Posts tagged ‘x-men’

May 5, 2009


Hey everyone! ♥Sandi♥ here!

I know, I know. You’re expecting Wade and you get me, and I’m sure it’s a disappointment, but you’ll be happy when I tell you WHY I’m here instead of Wade.

Wade has currently passed out on the floor from happiness, because he just read that he’s getting a solo movie! And we are all SO happy for him! (Well, Alex isn’t particularly pleased, but I keep telling him that maybe, just maybe, he’ll get to be in the movie too somehow. He’s not buying it.) Anyway, even Tony is a little bit happy, because he knows there’s a tiny chance he’ll get a cameo, since he’s known Wade for a lot longer than Alex. And also because Tony’s really quite fond of Wade, although I suspect he wouldn’t want me to tell you that…

Anyway, where was I? Oh! Oh, right. So before he passed out, Wade expressed extreme jubilation at the fact that Ryan Reynolds will be playing him, AND that Marvel is going to be involved in the production, thus minimizing the chances of another Weapon XI fiasco. Wade didn’t say it quite like that, but I think that was the gist of it.

Oh, and he said one more thing: “DEADPOOL MOVIE WRITERS, CALL ME. PLEASE.”

So, um, yep! That’s all, I think. Wade should be back for another post soon. I think I just saw his foot twitch.

Love & Kisses!


P.S. Another story link here!

April 3, 2009

Give the girl a cookie. Or a vote!

Leapin’ lizards in a Lambourghini, my fearless fans! I gotta admit I don’t usually do this, but my No. 1 fan foresthouse gave me the big virtual puppy-dog eyes and asked me to pass along this little message to all my friends (that’d be YOU, feebs). An’ I can’t say no to a cute blonde with puppy-dog eyes, can I? (Even if they are virtual an’ all!) So here goes. foresthouse says:

Dear Deadpool,

The new Wolverine movie is coming out soon, and they’re doing a contest to decide where to hold the premiere. The town with the most votes wins. If your fans want to vote for their hometown, that’s totally cool, but if any of your fans don’t feel any particular desire to vote for their own hometowns, could they maybe go to the X-Men Origins: Wolverine contest site and vote for Washington, D.C. to host the premiere of the movie? (They can use the zip code 20005 if they want – it’s a central DC location.) I figure it actually has a chance of winning since it’s a big city. And then maybe for once I can actually see a real live movie star. Which would be exciting, yo. Especially if his name rhymed with, say, Buyin’ Kennels. Or Blue Pacman. Or even, We’ve…um…ok, nothing rhymes with Schreiber. But he’s cool too.

I promise that if they show up in my city I will take oodles of pictures and write about it and post things and stuff. Lots of stuff.


Your bestest fan ever,

So there’s that, then! And, uh, Sandi tells me if I don’t start answerin’ questions soon she’s gonna take away the feng shui fountain she bought me last week for bein’ such a good boss. So, yeah, I’ll be doin’ that REAL SOON (Because I love my fountain. It is sparkly.)

So stay tuned!

March 5, 2009

Merc Werc Part III: If I had a nickel for every team that’s kicked me out…

Y’know what’s awesome about havin’ a healing factor? Even the biggest headache in the universe (ya know, the kind that happens after seein’ somethin’ like this) goes away in no time flat. Which is good, ’cause I just remembered I gotta post the latest installment of Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way. Yep, that’s right! I did another chapter, just fer you lucky kids!

But first, Helpful Linkage:

Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way? What the heck is that?

Merc Werc Part I: The Importance of Being…Prepared

Merc Werc Part II: What To Do When You’re Totally Screwed

And now…

Holla Atcha All! Take 3

If I had a nickel for every team that’s kicked me out…

15. If ya end up on a team’a X-Feebs, don’t be intimidated. They put their pants on one leg at a time, too. ‘Cept for Nightcrawler, a’course.FN 2

FN 2: ‘Cause’a his tail, y’know? And then there’s Shadowcat. Bet she just phases into ’em. And out of ’em. Rrowr!

16. If yer team roster is an immortal idiot, a gay flat dude, a skinny chick who wants t’be fat, a human teleporter, and a dinosaur…laugh.

17. And then check fer little black goatees, ’cause you may have accidentally ended up in an evil universe. You should be so lucky.

18. If some fancy-schmancy law firm with a lotta Ls in the name comes recruiting you fer their “savin’ th’ world team,” RUN. Trust me on this.

19. Never blow up a dude on yer team. He might come back 10 years later lookin’ really creepy and end up bein’ a real pain in the tookus.

20. If y’end up facing a psychotic midget version of yerself in yer first team-up book, just shake yer fist and yell, “Curse you, Joe Kelly!”

21. If yer lucky enough to get a call from Heroes for Hire, get the money up front and then try not t’laugh at the little yellow slippers.

22. If y’volunteer fer the team that used ta work with that feeb Cable, hang around until they say “Time to break out a frosty new SIX PACK.”FN 3

FN 3: Trust me. It never gets any less funny. Those mooks are cheesier than a stadium full’a Packers fans eating cheeseburgers.

23. When the mutant savior’a the world, who also happens to be yer best bud/mortal enemy, says t’lobotomize him, don’t. Everyone’ll hate ya.

24. Sometimes ya get lucky. If yer team’s got a hot mutant cowgirl in a skimpy shirt: NEVER LEAVE. Even if ya gotta put up with a big fat guy.FN 4


And there it is, my frolicksome fans! Another volume’a wisdom in a small package, comin’ at ya from the Fortress of Cool. Where we’re outta Twinkies. AND DEVIL DOGS. That bastard.

March 5, 2009

What in the name of Jupiter’s smelly jockstrap is THAT?

Ectoplasmic endives on an eggroll, my faithful followers! I feel like someone’s been walkin’ over my grave or somethin’! Wait, wait…nah, my bad. That’s just me shivering with dread after seein’ the newest trailer fer X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Is that holy horror from Hector’s House’a Budget Horrors supposed to be me? I mean, don’t get me wrong. All the parts with my good bud Ryan in it look AWESOME. He’s really got me down, y’know? Except he needs to work in a few grenade tosses’n’stuff. But anyway. I’m talkin’ bout that dude what looks like someone’s been drawin’ on him with a Magic Marker an crap. And…waita…hold the…are those…jumpin’ Jiminy Cricket, they are. LASERS. EYE LASERS. I DON’T HAVE EYE LASERS. I KICK BUTT JUST FINE WITHOUT THEM, THANKS.

Y’all, I think I just got a headache. I need t’lie down. I…I…I gotta go.


July 17, 2008

Teeny Tasky on a Twinkie, It’s Late!

Jumpin’ Jack on a beanstalk, my magnificent little matzos! It’s been so busy around here I haven’t had a minute of me-time, but I’ve been waitin’ and waitin’ to tell you the news, and I just can’t wait any more!

So remember how we got hired by Iron Man a few days ago to go “liberate” the forfeit Captain America lost to Iron Man at poker? Well I thought fer sure it was gonna be his shield – I mean, everyone loves that thing, right? Who wouldn’t want to have Cap’s shield? But I was so far wrong on this one. It’s not the shield we gotta get – it’s the teeny wings! THE TEENY WINGS. You know what I’m talking about, right? The teeny, useless little wings Cap sports on his mask like weird little antennae? Oh, man, when I read the fax from Iron Man, I couldn’t get off the floor for about an hour, I was laughing so hard. Sandi was havin’ a hard time, too. We can’t even look at each other right now, ‘cause every time we do, one of us says, ‘Teeny wings!’ and off we go again.

Anyway, that Iron Man is one twisted *&%@&!^#4$#%! You gotta admire a man who would go after Cap’s teeny wings. I wonder what Iron Man’s forfeit woulda been.

Since this it CAPTAIN AMERICA we’re talkin’ about, and the teeny wings aren’t as easy to nab as the shield (I mean, he throws that shield around all the time, but I’ve never seen him throw the teeny wings), we decided to call in Tasky, too. Well, that and Sandi’s a little worried ‘cause he tried to drink the oven cleaner yesterday after he ran out of booze. Little skelly-dude is a mess. So she thinks maybe this’ll get ‘im back to normal. Well, normal for him, anyway. Even if it works I’m not sure we’ll be able to tell the difference.

Speakin’ a’folks at the Agency, Agent X has finally gotten his Bloat down to “normal” levels. We put ‘im on a No Twinkie diet yesterday to try to help him even more, but so far, even with the electrodes we hooked up as a deterrent to Snacking, the score’s at Twinkies, 82; Agent X, 0. I dunno if we’re ever gonna get him the way he used to be again. Which is good for me, ‘cause then I can keep gettin’ all the work!

…Oh, and I almost forgot. Weasel said don’t tell, but he’s got a little crush on one a’you readers. Chyah, like he really thought I wouldn’t tell.

Weasel also had a kinda fun idea, though. He thought maybe, y’know, now and then, one of the other Agency mooks should answer some questions. Apparently all the famous people have “guest bloggers,” he says. I think it’s just ‘cause he’s getting bored with his Wii and wants to interact with possibly hot babes over the wires, but hey, I’m willing to give it a try. Sandi showed me how to do this nifty “poll” thing, so I’m gonna try it out:

And now, while Orca X is polishin’ up the guns and polishin’ off the puddin’, I’ll answer some questions:

First up, daughterofisis asks:

Good day, Sr. ‘Pool,

1. Were you born snarky, or did you have to work at it? Or, to put in another way…have you always been an asshole, darling?
2. Have you ever worn women’s underwear, and if so, what kind and do you have any pictures?
3. What is your favourite vivverid?
4. Should my girlfriend pierce her tongue?
5. In the interest of irritating you and repeating questions, how’s that cock taste? And did you know someone made two Cable/Deadpool fanmixes? Heh.

Yours truly,

P.S. I’m German, incidentally. Hopefully that’ll make you less inclined to shank me.

Oh, and happy birthday and suchlike. Actually, another question’s occurred to me: what flavour of cake do you enjoy? An excellent tool in personality assessment, is that.

Oh, numbered questions, my heart sings for you!! Whee!

    1. Well, kid, I gotta tell ya, I came outta my mother’s belly crackin’ wise, and I ain’t never stopped yet. Except when the writers shove me in those lame alternate worlds where I’m all boring and look even scarier than I do here. Man, I HATE THAT. But really, I can’t remember a day when I wasn’t me, so clearly I musta been me from Day One. But I don’t like t’think of myself as an asshole – if I had to pick a body part, I’d say I’m more of a dick. A private dick. A–oh, never mind.

    2. How come on Marvel Girl it’s a uniform, and on me, it’s underwear, that’s what I wanna know? I mean, hey, if I came out wearing the one-eyed angst-cushion’s stupid visor people’d just say, “Oh, look at ‘Pool. He borrowed Cyclops’ visor ‘cause he wanted to look like a tool, too!” But when it’s yellow panties, everybody gets all excited. I just don’t get it! As for pictures, well I tried to pose (those feebs got a whole wall with shots of themselves in uniform, and I figured they’d want me too, since I’m the coolest mutant of them all) but everyone seemed to be outta film. Schmoes.

    3. Is that like a Pokemon? Charmander’s THE BOMB.

    4. If you’re inta that freaky $&^!, then go for it! I tried to get a piercing once, but the damn hole kept healing up! Mutant DNA, I tell ya. It ruins all your fun.

    5. Well like I said, the chicken stew was fantastic, but we haven’t killed the cock yet. I think Bob’s kinda starting to think of it as his little pet. I can’t wait to see what happens when I wring its neck. And…uh…fanmixes? Is that like a mixer that can fan you at the same time? Hey, if it means my mask is on more merch, I’m cool with it.

As for the cake question, well I’m pretty partial to Bob’s non-lethal lemon cake, but I gotta say I like me some red velvet cake, too. Too bad Bob refuses to make it with black icing.

Whew! That was a lot of answerin’, right there. My typin’ finger might be just about worn out now. No, no, wait…ah, healing factor. Feelin’ good, feelin’ ready. On to the next letter:

chrryblssmninja wants to know:

if you could be in any classic black-and-white movie, what would it be? Doesn’t even have to be in English.

Oh, I love the easy ones: Citizen Kane, baby. That CFK was one crazy dude, and I dig that. ‘Course, if I was in the movie, it wouldn’ta been called Citizen Kane anymore, it woulda been something like, Deadpool Kicks Ass, so maybe it’s a good thing I wasn’t in it – I wouldn’t want to upstage some poor actor who can’t even afford color film.

OK, one more, and then we gotta go do some more Strategic Planning around here, ‘cause Iron Man said we’re supposed to try not to hurt Cap too much when we go for the TEENY WINGS.

glitterandlube says:

Fabian did list you and Cable as one of the romances he has written.

Then some asshat claimed Nate didn’t love you back.

1) What the hell is that about? Nate was the one who used the word divorce, and was practically writing you love notes, am I right?

2) How can I make my father stop stalking me? Do you have any advice?

3) How hot are you going to be kicking Skrull butt on a scale of 1-15? 27? 29? 150?

Ah, the numbered questions, like candy to my soul!

Fabian can call it whatever he wants, but I never starred in no romance novel. But to answer your questions:

    1) Well, you know how it is, some asshats are still stuck in Big Guns ‘90s, and can’t stand the idea that Cable is really a woobie schmoop. But, y’know, if they can’t wrap their heads around that one, I don’t know why they even bought the issues. I mean, here’s a guy who practically sheds a tear of w00b if he can’t save a little girl from a toothache. He’s a schmoop with a capital S. As for how the big glowy-eyed Schmoop feels about me, well, I can’t help it if everyone loves the ‘Pool-man. And I do mean everyone. I tried to let ‘im down easy over the fact that I just ain’t interested – y’know, shooting at him, trying to arrest his a$$, blowing him up with a grenade – but he just won’t give it up. Whaddaya gonna do?

    2) As my good friend Bob would say, “TAKE. HIM. OUT. Hail HYDRA!” I mean, sure, he’s your dad, but really, what’s that mean? He’s got some of the same DNA as you? Well I got some of the same DNA as Cable, and like I said, I got no problem shooting him inna face. Just DO IT.*

…Well, unless by “stalking me” you mean he asks you where you been all day when you been out on the corner with the girls smokin’ and drinkin’ and flashin’ some leg or whatever. In that case, I think he might be justified. Even if you’re fifty. That’s just something dads are allowed to do. Forever.

    3) Like the Black Box once said, I’m off the CHARTS, baby. Those Skrulls won’t know what hit ‘em. Unless Danny-boy wusses out on the writing, but you can’t blame me if that happens.

Oh, looks like the big meetin’ is about to start, so I gotta go. Wish me luck on the mission, and until next time, keep ‘em jacked and packed!

* Our lawyer (Outlaw, via mail-away law school degree) has informed me that encouraging non-super-powered beings to violence and murder is Probably Not a Good Idea, so I have to put in this little disclaimer that says, “Don’t really shoot him.” But, y’know, I don’t mean it.