Bonjour, my brilliant little banana cakes! Qu’est-ce qui se passe?
Y’know, I got no idea what that even means, but Outlaw’s decided she wants to learn French ta be all sophisticated and impress WB and whatever, ’cause last week they were at the mall pickin’ out boots an’ stuff and she swears he was eyein’ some haughty French chick’s holsters in Victoria’s Secret. Me, I’d be less amazed by him eyein’ one a’those A&F models they got wanderin’ around shirtless sometimes, but nobody asks me. Whatever the real story is, it’s been nothin’ but French on tape in the office sound system for the last three days, an’ even Bob’s gotten into the spirit. Yesterday he baked up some Battle Baguettes – they’re hard as a rock, but they make great stealth blackjacks. I gave one a try when Tasky came t’visit, and BOY, was he surprised.
As it so happens, I got a little down time right now (yeah, I know you thought you saw me down on the street th’other week, but y’know, who’s ta say I didn’t tell some other schmuck to go pretend t’be me fer awhile? Tasky was just whinin’ about how he needed a job), so I took a poll as t’what I oughta be doin’ just now. And the whole office said, “Get off yer lazy ass and answer some questions.” Well, ‘cept Tasky. He just told me ta go away before he stalked outta the joint. Sourpatch. We really gotta get him a girlfriend or somethin’. I wonder who we could hook ol’ skull-face up with…
Anyways, by popular consensus, I’ma gonna answer up a few questions now, an’ then I got a coupla announcements ta make.
Let’s start with this one…
What are your top five favorite horror movies? You know, the ones that scared the bejeebus out of even you?
Well first I gotta say, sorry it took me until now to answer this question from OCTOBER. The months, they just kinda slip by when you’re busy fighting zombies an’ tryin’ ta out-think Norman “Brush Waves” Osborn an’ stuff. So, y’know, happy totally belated Halloween and many happy cavities. Now, then, lessee – favorite horror movies? Well,there’s a lotta fun blood an’guts movies out there, an’ it’s real hard ta pick just five. So instead I’m gonna go with the top five movies I’d show to torture someone I’d just tied up with the horror of how BAD they are. ‘Cause there are some movies out there that are so bad that the fact they exist just plain scares the bejeebus outta me.
The first contestant fer the prize of horrible moviemaking is…
Kate & Leopold!
Yeah, the idea that this movie exists pretty much scares me every time I think on it. I mean, ok, say what you will about the new Wolverine movie, but at least it didn’t require Hugh Jackman to utter a line like this:
Are you suggesting, madam, that there exists a law compelling a gentleman to lay hold of canine bowel movements?
with a straight face. OR Liev Schreiber to go on fer ten minutes about dogs an’ rainbows an’ cracks in chairs until we were all bored stupid. (Betchy’all had forgotten Jackman an’ Schreiber starred in a movie t’gether before Wolverine. I WISH I COULD FERGET.)
An’ then there’s the fact that a movie containing a line like this:
Behold, rising before you, the greatest erection on the continent… the greatest erection of the age… the greatest erection on the planet!
somehow still failed ta be either funny or interestin’ fer more than three seconds at a time.
So, yeah – the knowledge that some yutz out there thought it would be a good idea to actually make this movie AND managed ta get it done totally horrifies me. As did Hugh’s crotchtacular pants.
Not ta mention that’s 118 minutes of my life I will. Never. Get. Back. Not even with a healing factor.
An’ ya know, while we’re on the subject a’scarily craptastic romance movies, can we talk about Tribute? I mean, kudos to Ms. Roberts fer gettin’ one a’her stories on the tiny screen, an’ I know sometimes Hallmark’s hard up fer things ta air, but COME ON. That movie was so bad, I actually stopped watchin’ it in favor a’shovelin’ off the couch (no small task, I c’n tell ya!). The “I sleep in my boxers” scene? The sledgehammer photoshoot? CAN WE GET A RESHOOT, HERE? Pref’rably one that doesn’t contain this?? (Except that the parts where people were tryin’ ta kill her were kinda fun.)
Ya know what scares me the most about this movie, though? That anyone thought it had the right t’be on the same channel as MY BELOVED BEA. HALLMARK, YOU ARE ON MY NAUGHTY LIST.
So enough with tha romance movies, ’cause ya know, I usually don’t even watch romance (that’s Tasky!). Next up on the list has gotta be Nick of Time. You wanna talk awful cinema? This is the vid ta pop in the ol’ machine. Here we got 90 minutes of Johnny Depp (completely amazin’ actor!) runnin’ around tryin’ ta be a hero, and it’s the most boring thing I ever seen. An’ that includes the time some mobster mook buried me up ta th’neck in cement fer a week an’ all I had ta look at was a dead beetle decayin’. (Word ta the Wise: Don’t piss off the Maggia. They get their feelins hurt, they’re worse than Christian Bale when you ruin his scene (an’ they don’t even have the panache ta tell you you’re *&@$! DONE, PROFESSIONALLY before they stick yer ass in the wet concrete. Low-class schmucks.)) Th’best part a’this whole movie was the scene where the senator or whatever’s about ta get shot and she does this panicked double-take tryin’ ta find out where the shooter is. MAN, me an’Weas actually fell off the couch laughin’ at that scene. I kinda don’t think that was the goal a’the producers, though.
What’r we up to now, #4? OK, #4: Wild Wild West. It’s a movie about the old West. With a giant freakin’ mechanical spider runnin’ around. WHUT? I honestly forget what the hell else happens, except fer the part where Will Smith rapped in a movie he was in, AGAIN. (I was amazed he didn’t bust out with some lyrics durin’ I, Robot, actually. I was kinda expectin’ some:
Yo this is a story, all about how,
my life got flipped, turned upside-down.
The dude who gave me a mechanical arm,
jumped out the window an’ bought the farm!
The robot I hated turned out ta be nice,
but the rest’a them tried ta get me iced!”
Fer real.) I mean, don’ get me wrong – Will Smith’ll always be awesome. But yeah, this movie totally lowered his cred fer awhile.
OK, now someone out there’s gonna yell at me fer this last one, I got a feelin’, but whatever – I tell it like it is, an’ you got a problem with that, well, I’m always up fer throwin’ down. BRING IT. So here’s movie pick #5: Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. (Yeah, I wish it was BURIED on The Far Side of the World.) I know some schmoes out there love this flick, but fer real? Here’s what I c’n remember after the 3.72 days I spent watchin’ it:
Ship, ship, ship, CANNONBALL, water, ship, water, CANNONFIRE, blood, water, RANDOM SPLINTERING WOOD, water, ship, slippery decks, CLAUSTROPHOBIC HAMMOCKS, blood, VIOLINS, water, water, really quiet dialogue, HOYAY, water, ship, ISLANDS, ship, water, TOTALLY BLATANT HOYAY, water, ship, water, FIN (VIOLINS). An’ the whole thing was all dark an’ blue an’ depressing. SNORE.
So there ya go, li’l Ame. Five movies ta stay away from unless ya love torturin’ yerself.
And on we go!
Ooh, my favorite German charmant has written me again!
That’s some awesome advice, thanks! ;D
You know, I’ll totally consider getting into the [merc] business, is it possible to work past time as well? It might be just the thing to get some extra cash while I catch up on my studies…
If it doesn’t work out.. what else could I do? Any ideas?
Ya know, I got all sorts a’ideas as ta what people c’n do in their spare time ta make some cold hard cash. I recommend a job where, if ya tell people what you do, they look at you funny an’ then run away real quick. ‘Cause that kinda thing makes me laugh.
Ideal job ta try fer this? Chicken sexer. No, it ain’t what you think it is. An’ it’s not that, neither. Although I’d totally go for it if this sentence meant what any normal person would think it means: Mohamad “does” about 700 chicks a day, or three chicks every two minutes. MAN. Even MY healin’ factor would be workin’ overtime with that many women.
OK, so that’s all the questions I got time for today, but like I said, I got a coupla announcements ta make, an’ here they are:
1) Even though I KNOW all my loyal fans are payin’ close, CLOSE attention ta everything on my journal, including my links list, I figured I oughta mention my two svelte, smooth, spectacular affiliates, as featured on the sidebar, ’cause I don’t think I did that here yet. So, yeah: if you want to keep up on all the Deadpool news that’s fit ta print (an’ even I can’t hardly keep up with it these days. I’m everywhere!) the absolute best place ta do that is The Deadpool Bugle. That’s right, true believers! I HAVE MY VERY OWN NEWSPAPER. Take THAT, J. Jonah Jameson. An’ if you wanna check out some YouTube videos by a big fan of yours truly, go on an’ give Deadpool and Friends a try. Don’t miss this dude’s thoughts on my new movie, or his poll on which of my sweet-ass costumes was the best ever. (Quick answer: ALL OF ‘EM.) Go on! Click the links! You know you want to.
2) Hey, you guys remember way back in the day when I did a poll an’ asked if you wanted to see any other Agency members answerin’ questions here? (Of course you don’t. That was an ice age ago!) Well it’s finally THAT TIME. That’s right. By popular consensus, I will be allowing my
pet pal BOB, AGENT OF HYDRA Hail HYDRA! ta answer a few of yer questions.
Here’s how it’s gonna work: Got a question fer Bob? Great! Post it in the comments ta this entry. Then, I’m gonna let Bob pick his FIVE favorites an’ answer them in the next entry. An’ hey! If he doesn’t screw it up too bad, I may even do this again. (Don’t worry. I’ll answer more a’yer questions first!) I think Tasky’s next in the polls, an’ even though he swears up and down he doesn’t wanna “waste time with your stupid imaginary friends” I know he’s totally itchin’ fer a chance ta say hi ta you all. (We *really* need ta get him a girl or somethin’. He’s so mopey.)
Warning: Bob has informed me that if you ask a numbered question, he will NOT answer it. Apparently, numbered questions frighten Bob. He claims Alison used to number all her complaints whenever they had fights er whatever. So, yeah: no numbers for Bob!! He’s allergic!
Until next time, my chill chimichangas, keep ’em oiled an’ loaded!