Posts tagged ‘cable’

November 8, 2009

Jiminy Cricket on a Highwire, I’m Such a Slacker! Sorry!

Hey there, my brilliantly bouncy borschts (say that three times fast!). Guess what day it is? Well, it’s my friend’s birthday. But MORE IMPORTANTLY, it’s th’ day that I answer some’a yer questions – startin’ with th’ ones that were submitted back in what may have been the Mesozoic era. Oops. Sorry ‘bout that. Got a lot of excitement at th’ Agency these days, what with all these other me’s wanderin’ around eatin’ alla Bob’s bagels and sayin’ how good they look in their uniforms. Also it’s Tasky’s turn ta decorate th’ office (I never said people could have turns, but apparently he’s all miffed that everybody else got ta do it an’ he hasn’t yet. Next thing I know, BOB is gonna want ta decorate. Odin help us all if that happens!) an’ he’s decided ta tear everythin’ up before he puts in whatever fancy-schmancy posh décor he’s got swimmin’ around in his Queer Eye For The Straight Guy brain (I shoulda NEVER let him watch reality TV!). So we got carpets and upended chairs and Loki knows what all around th’ place right now. MAN.

Anyway. On ta th’ questions.

drownthemoon asks:

Holy hot ham and cheese on rye! I have enough questions to number them now!

1. If you had to choose one weapon from your sexy large arsenal as your favorite, which would it be?

2. Other than the smiley faces, and the Deadpool motif, what other designs do your boxers have?

3. What is your favorite flavor of cake? Furthermore, what sort of frosting do you prefer?

4. Is a cattle prod an acceptable method of enticing someone to keep from repeating the same romantic behavior?

5. Why don’t you have a harem yet?

Hot hijinks with a hausfrau! Yet another handful of numbered questions! Color me *surprised*! And psyched. And impressed with my own alliteration. Now then…

1. Ooh, this is a tough one. But I gotta say, ya know…I think it’d be the sais. I mean, sure, the katanas’re standard around here, but fer sheer looks, sais are pretty goshdarned awesome. An’ ya know, they also got three times as much pointyness per hilt. As my old friend Al would say (not the blind one, th’other one!), “ain’t that a kick in th’ pants?!” Or in this case, a poke.

P.S. Ooh, and can I choose “sais with decorative grenades on th’ handles,” or is that cheating? ‘Cause this one time, in Panama, I found these wicked sais with little grenades swingin; off th’ hilts, an’ MAN, those things were adorable. And handy. At least until I accidentally armed one while I was slashin’ some mook with it. Ouchie!

2. Ummm…ahhh…hang on a minute, k?

OK, I’m back! Had ta go hunt down Bob and the clean laundry basket (Bob’s good with th’ laundry. Almost as good as he is with th’ baking!). Lessee here, now…I gots some hearts, some clovers (Agent Casey ain’t the only one with th’ luck a’the Irish!), Daffy Duck, uhhh…what the…? ’pparently I got a pair with little recycling symbols on ‘em? Huh. I think Tasky’s tryin’ that “subliminal message” stuff on me again. He’s so prissy about stuff like garbage. Anyway. I got, hm, I got two sets with eyes on ‘em (blue AND green!) an’ a pair with cowboy hats. An’ the ones with grenades, an’ the ones with aces an’ dice, an’…man, it’s amazin’ I ever run out, isn’t it? An’ yet I always find myself havin’ ta resort ta th’ yellow panties after awhile. Funny.

3. My fav’rite flavor of cake is cake. Same goes fer th’ frostin! But, ya know, if yer question was, “if there were 100 different flavors of cake all spread out on a table in front’a you, which one would ya eat first?” then my answer would be…those big round cookie cakes you c’n get at the mall! With the icing that they put on them, whatever that stuff is. SCRUMPTIOUS.

4. If yer usin’ a cattle prod ta *entice* someone, I think yer love life’s a little on the kinky side. But if yer tryin’ ta keep them from doing somethin’ ya don’t like – cattle prods’re ok, but I say nothin’ beats a straight-up taser!

5. They’re on backorder from Russia. SOURFACE. (X^(

Next up…amejisuto wonders:

Dear Deadpool,

Any good movie or TV show reviews? What does a mercenary watch when he’s not working? On the flip side, any show or any character that you hate? My friends and I have fun discussing how we’d kill off annoying characters we can’t stand, have you ever done that?

Yeah, I’m twisted and evil. But a couple of these characters really annoy the hell out of me so I simply must wish that they’d be in a horrible industrial accident and get squashed by a shipping container while at the docks.

How much would something like that cost anyway? LOL


Ah, Ame, ma cherie, I’ve missed you! Wouldst thou go with me…to Detroit? No? Ah, awright, then; I’ll just answer yer questions. Ya know, I don’t know where the cool kids go fer reviews, but I hear foresthouse is maybe thinkin’ of doin’ some one’a these days. An’ I know cleolinda does some kick-ass recaps. Check ‘em out!

Around the Agency, I always gotta wrestle Tasky fer the remote (him an’ his pickin’ up new skills from TV. What’s with that? That’s not the point of TV!) but when I win, I watch…uh, pretty much everything. Does it ruin my street cred if I admit ta watchin’ Gossip Girl? ‘Cause I’m all about that evil schemin’ Blair chick. SHAZAM. But I gotta say, it’s gettin’ a little less fun an’ frisky these days. Hrmph. What else is on the clicker Mondays? Ah, gotta love House. That twisted genius. Man, he cracks me up. An’ FOX was totally S-M-R-T fer putting that show Lie to Me on next ta House – ‘cause now I gotta watch that one too. I mean, it’s got a hot redhead an’ everything! An’ then there’s Castle – true, the dialogue ain’t quite as snappy as me an’ Cable on a Saturday night, but hey, it’s Nathan Fillion. You gotta watch Nathan Fillion. If only fer the Best Firefly Shoutout Ever in the Halloween ep. Guess I’m not the only one who hangs onta old costumes fer years!

And, uh…ooh, I love me some Bones. Kinda reminds me of th’ good ol’ days when *I* was one half of a buddy movie team – ‘cept fer th’ part where me an’ Cable didn’t forensically solve crimes an’ stuff. Eh, close enough. Oh, and can’t ferget Supernatural – talk about blastin’ away and slicin’ an’ dicin’ things! Not ta mention Action Figure Castiel a few weeks ago was worth th’ price of admission. An’ then there’s Smallville—wait, am I allowed ta admit I watch Smallville? Hey, Marvel lawyers! What’s the rule on me tellin’ everyone I like a show about DC characters? Is that kosher?

Oh. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. …As a matter’a fact, Ame, I don’t watch Smallville. Nope! Never seen it, not even once. Not even the ep where the JLA walks away from a giant explosion all badass and sh*%. Which would have been totally cool ta watch, except that I never watched it!

But I *do* watch Psych. An’ it’s totally not fer Dule Hill’s cheekbones. Not at all! Just like why I watch Dexter an’ Dollhouse – it’s fer the characters!

An’ speakin’a characters, yeah, there are some I’d like ta see take a long walk off a short pier. With cement shoes. Lessee, now; if I was killin’ characters, Jenny Humphrey would have a tragic curlin’ iron accident – ya know th’ kind where yer hair accidentally goes up in flames? An’ if she wasn’t already leavin’ th’ show, Thirteen would be accidentally poisoned fer sure – I mean hey, poetic justice an’ all that, right? After all, she did kill that dude’s dog that one time. An’ I’d definitely knock off Emergency Backup Cop #2, whatever the hell his name is, on Castle. He’d have th’ most boring death possible, so they wouldn’t be able ta make an episode out of it. And…lessee…ooh yeah, whatshisface the annoying angel who keeps tryin’ ta get Dean ta be the Michael sword would get a short trip down ta The Pit. Oh, yeah.

As fer pricin’, well, if it was a character I couldn’t stand, I might could maybe consider a bit’a pro bono work, ya know?

Now then…Michelle Nieporte / Lady_Phantom asks via Twitter:

Hey, DP! I was wondering what your thoughts are on you being in the new Hulk Vs. Wolverine show?

Well, my phantasmic friend, I gotta say, not only am I super-psyched to *finally* be featured in animation as more than a second’s hallucination in ol’ Wolvie’s mind, but I’m also completely, totally, over-the-topally in love with th’ dude who did my voice-overs. Fer serious: Nolan North, I’m gonna hunt you down an’ buy you flowers an’ propose a lifelong business arrangement in which you do my voice-overs fer all my future animations (unless, a’course, *I’m* not too busy ta do ‘em). An’ then I’m gonna kidnap ya and run off ta Doctor Strange’s lair so’s he can work his crazy magic an’ send us back in time so’s you can do my voiceovers from Marvel Ultimate Alliance I, too. ‘Cause I don’t care how long I lived in San Francisco, I never sounded like a Californ-eye-aye surfer dude.

Oh, an’ as fer my actual screen time in the movie? I gotta say, animated me ROCKS. An’ should totally get a whole animated show of which he (I?) is (am? Man, this is so confusin’) th’ star.

Raise yer hand if you agree with me on this one. Yes? Good! ‘Cause at some comics convention ‘er another, the dude who worked on the Hulk DVD actually said that if enough fans wrote in ta say they wanted ta see more animated me, it might work! So why don’t ya all get out yer pencils (‘cause I know you’re kickin’ it old school) an’ write ta:

Marvel Studios
9242 Beverly Boulevard
Suite 350
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

To tell ‘em you think I should get my own animated movie!

An’ one more fer today. lady_of_mists writes:

Dear Deadpool:

A certain lovely, possibly a low level psionic being is temporarily out of work. At her previous job, she was paid a decent living wage. Now she is not making enough money to pay for Important Things in life — like Deadpool comics, movie tickets, Wii game systems, trips to England to stalk superheroes, or even brand name cookies. Should the certain LPALLPB take a job (if offered) which would pay much less than the job that she had before, but more than unemployment — or should she hold out for only the best of jobs as would suit her stature?

All the best! Lady_of_Mists

Well well, m’lady, we meet again. An’ as always, I got the perfect answer ta yer challengin’ question: there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING more important than bein’ able ta afford Deadpool comics. You do what you gotta do, little missy, ta get yer hands on those. Beg, borrow, steal, or take a job you ain’t too fond of, but don’t miss out on what makes life worth livin’. I mean it!

P.S. Also, eatin’, payin’ tha bills, an’ yes, Wii game systems are very, very important. So do what ya gotta do fer those, too, at least until somethin’ better comes along. Which it will. I mean, hell, I can’t even tell ya ‘bout some’a the crappy jobs *I* did while I was waiting (years. YEARS, I tell you) fer my character ta get bigger’n Ye Old Hairy Canadian Claw Master, but hey, it’s finally happened – I’ve hit the JACKPOT, baby; an’ you will too. Swear.

An’ that’s all I got time for today, folks. So until next time, keep ‘em pointy an’ polished!

March 5, 2009

Merc Werc Part III: If I had a nickel for every team that’s kicked me out…

Y’know what’s awesome about havin’ a healing factor? Even the biggest headache in the universe (ya know, the kind that happens after seein’ somethin’ like this) goes away in no time flat. Which is good, ’cause I just remembered I gotta post the latest installment of Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way. Yep, that’s right! I did another chapter, just fer you lucky kids!

But first, Helpful Linkage:

Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way? What the heck is that?

Merc Werc Part I: The Importance of Being…Prepared

Merc Werc Part II: What To Do When You’re Totally Screwed

And now…

Holla Atcha All! Take 3

If I had a nickel for every team that’s kicked me out…

15. If ya end up on a team’a X-Feebs, don’t be intimidated. They put their pants on one leg at a time, too. ‘Cept for Nightcrawler, a’course.FN 2

FN 2: ‘Cause’a his tail, y’know? And then there’s Shadowcat. Bet she just phases into ’em. And out of ’em. Rrowr!

16. If yer team roster is an immortal idiot, a gay flat dude, a skinny chick who wants t’be fat, a human teleporter, and a dinosaur…laugh.

17. And then check fer little black goatees, ’cause you may have accidentally ended up in an evil universe. You should be so lucky.

18. If some fancy-schmancy law firm with a lotta Ls in the name comes recruiting you fer their “savin’ th’ world team,” RUN. Trust me on this.

19. Never blow up a dude on yer team. He might come back 10 years later lookin’ really creepy and end up bein’ a real pain in the tookus.

20. If y’end up facing a psychotic midget version of yerself in yer first team-up book, just shake yer fist and yell, “Curse you, Joe Kelly!”

21. If yer lucky enough to get a call from Heroes for Hire, get the money up front and then try not t’laugh at the little yellow slippers.

22. If y’volunteer fer the team that used ta work with that feeb Cable, hang around until they say “Time to break out a frosty new SIX PACK.”FN 3

FN 3: Trust me. It never gets any less funny. Those mooks are cheesier than a stadium full’a Packers fans eating cheeseburgers.

23. When the mutant savior’a the world, who also happens to be yer best bud/mortal enemy, says t’lobotomize him, don’t. Everyone’ll hate ya.

24. Sometimes ya get lucky. If yer team’s got a hot mutant cowgirl in a skimpy shirt: NEVER LEAVE. Even if ya gotta put up with a big fat guy.FN 4


And there it is, my frolicksome fans! Another volume’a wisdom in a small package, comin’ at ya from the Fortress of Cool. Where we’re outta Twinkies. AND DEVIL DOGS. That bastard.

January 26, 2009

Merc Werc Part II: What To Do When You’re Totally Screwed

Holy Heidi in leiderhosen! It’s been a year and a day since I’ve managed to make it to my trusty little laptop and share my ingenious thoughts of the moment with you, my loyal if misguided fans! But rest assured, I’m back in the saddle now. And rarin’ to go. Or somethin’a that kind, anyway. Where’ve I been, you ask? WELL I’LL TELL YOU. I’ve been in secret places, doing secret things that had NOTHING to do with me having to grow back my fingers after a little run-in with Wolverine, or anything. (Man, typing with no fingers = World’s Greatest Challenge, I tell you what.) Also nothing to do with Wolverine’s whiny son kickin’ the hot air outta me. Really.

So forget about all that, and concentrate on what’s important: the second chapter of Merc Werc, comin’ to you all right here, right now, from the Fortress of Cool (entranceway statue of Tasky optional; I keep telling him he needs t’stay away from the Grey Gargoyle, but does he listen?)

And now…

Holla Atcha All! Take 2

What To Do When You’re Totally Screwed

11. What to do if you get yourself in a tight situation: diet.

12. There is never any situation in which a knife is an unnecessary accessory.

13. When outnumbered, just charge at everyone in sight while yelling really loud. They’ll be scared of that. And of your swinging katanas.

14. There are times when a banana peel really is the best thing you can throw at your enemy. Those times are few, so choose wisely.

15. Don’t let enemy taunting make you lose your head: just because your name rhymes with “fool” doesn’t mean you have to act like one.


So there ya go, some sage advice from the Merc who knows his Werc. And never fear, I’ll be here with more advice soon enough. And, y’know, maybe the answers to those letters y’all wrote me a millenium ago. Although from what I hear from my doppelganger from the future (he checks in on me now and again), I may be pulling a fast one soon and accidentally locking myself in a freezer for 200 years just so I can see an old…friend. Yeah, friend. So I guess I’ll have to get those answers out fast!

Until next time…don’t panic!

September 19, 2008

Batten Down th’ Hatches and Blow th’ Man Down! Arrrrrrrr! Rrrrr! Rrr! R!

Ahoy, thar, mateys! Weigh anchor and hoist th’ mizzen! Today be th’ day when all faithful buccaneers must Talk Like a Pirate, and ye know I must be following what th’ captain orders! So t’day, all yer bonny questions’ll be answered in the best pirate-speak that mercenary money can buy! Er somethin’ a’that nature, anyway.

Just in case ya scurvy dogs want to know what th’ crew’s been doin’ today, I SHALL TELL YE. Unlike a coupla days ago when I posted my lonely ballad a’woe, every last one a’those worthless seadogs in my profile is on deck at th’ Agency t’day. Even the faithless dog I never figured would be stridin’ th’ boards a’this vessel showed up fer a pint a’grog. I almost made ‘im walk the plank fer bein’ a low-down, dirrrty deserter, but chose to be a charitable captain and let him try some’a Bob’s special brew instead. Avast! Ye should ha’ seen his yaller eye glow as he choked on it! (Bob’s getting partic’ly good at Arsenic Limeade and Cyanide Stew these days! He’s always muckin’ about in th’ galley now.) I asked the scurrrvy varmint what he’s been doin’ with hisself since we divorced he went off t’find a different berth t’call his own, but he just looked all sorts a’serious and mumbled somethin’ vague ‘bout ‘babies.’ He didn’t stay long even though I offered him a place on th’ crew but said mayhap he’d be comin’ back through this patch’a sea soon and that he missed me like the dickens, that pansy feeb. I bade him ‘good riddance’ and downed a pint meself.

After that shockin’ happenstance, Orca X climbed back on board after a three-day shore leave. He’d been out practicin’ his cookin’ ‘cause th’ feeb wants to be on The Iron Chef. Apparently th’ booty fer winnin’ is now a lifetime supply a’victuals, but I don’t reckon Orca will make it to the treasure, even if there is an X in his name – all’a that fat gets in the way a’speedy cookin’.

Now that he’s back t’sitting on th’ couch, Outlaw and that feeb WB have deserted that berth fer the lobby. Methinks they’re playin’ tiddlywinks on the floor right now, ‘cause they’re a coupla crazy kids. And splice my mainsail, but me bonny lass Sandi’s gone a bit crazy as well! She’s waltzin’ around in a raggedy stripey skirt an’ eyepatch askin’ me iffen I want t’play some “special pirate games.” I dunno why she wants me t’tie her up and pretend she’s my pris’ner, but Weasel said he’d be game if I’m too lame. Me! Lame! Arrrrr! So now he’s a’followin’ her around and beggin’ her t’ ‘shiver his timbers,’ th’ fool.

In th’ middle a’all this, Irene stopped by, (woman’s got a sixth sense fer whenever Cable’s been in th’ vicinity) and kicked me ‘cause I hadn’t called her when the shiny mook came by. I suggested she’d better just hang around in my bed me until he came back, since we all know Priscilla can’t stay away from yarrrrs truly fer long, but she just kicked me again.

Right about then, Tasky wandered in, twelve sheets t’th’ wind (i.e. as drunk as a bedbug in a whisky fact’ry), and I realized there was ONE thing we were missin’ here at the office on Talk Like a Pirrrrrate Day. So I got lil’ Mary-O to give me a hand, and we hoisted ol’ Tasky up the yardarm outside so’s we could use his skelly little face as the middle of our new pirate flag. Tasky makes a fair bonny Jolly Roger, a’though he’d be a good sight bonnier if he didn’t look so gloomy all th’ time!

But hoist me up the mizzen mast and use me as a sail if it’s not time to be answerin’ some questions!

Let’s go to th’ mail ship and see what she’s a-brought us t’day.

Blimey! half_attended writes:

Dear Deadpool,

A close friend/person I am forced to deal with on an unfortunately regular basis is being a bit of a tyrant. It’s always her way or no way, even in matters she has no say over. She had a little power and it’s all gone to her head. Should my friends and I handle this internally, or should we outsource our rebellion?

Also, where do you get your costumes? And do you buy in bulk because you go through them so quickly?

Avast ye! I always say th’ best way t’handle uppity folks and mutiny in the crew is t’hire a strappin’ fine mercenary t’do yer dirrrrty work! And I just happen t’know a few who’re in th’ market. But if ye want t’handle it yerself, here’s a wee tip: th’ best approach is a direct approach. So drag yon bucko down to th’ brig, sit ‘er in the bilges, and explain t’her in kind, calm terms that unless she gets her arse offa her high horsie and starts lookin’ at ye more respectful-like, yer gonna have to, much as it breaks yer wee heart, keelhaul ‘er an’ send ‘er down t’shake hands with Davy Jones; th’ scallywag. I guarantee that’ll set the lassie straight!

As fer where I get me rig-and-getup, if me memory serves me right (and when don’t it, ‘cept always?), ‘twas at a custom costume shop, made ‘specially t’fit me manly’n’muscular physique. It was def’nitely not made outta Spider-man’s old cast-offs, that bilge-sucking arachnid! But what is this ‘buy’ of which ye do discourse? A cap’n like meself darsn’t lay down good doubloons fer what c’n be hornswaggled outta little pansy shopkeeps! Savvy?

Now, on t’th’ next bit o’scrap and words.

rozokuthedragon replies to me last post:

dude your never alone when you have us around
but I have to ask how “Orca” X made it out the door?

Ah, me hearty, th’ fat landlubber deflated some after his disgustin’ love affair with chips’n’applesauce came t’an unsightly end, but really it was th’ grenade I lobbed at WB a coupla days ago that did it. Didn’t leave a mark on that son of a biscuit eater, but our doorway got a whole lot bigger.

Arrr! Sandi’s callin’ fer me t’come ‘n’ batten down th’ hatches ‘cause a storm’s a-comin’ through, so until next time, lasso a big bag a’pieces of eight and heave-ho that booty on board!

(And if ye be confused by th’ local lingo, check out this handy translation of me pirate prattle.)

September 15, 2008

Happy Haikus and Hinky Hijinks!

This conversation with amejisuto inspired me.

…to poetry, of course!

Happy Haikus
By, Deadpool


Like the red and black?
I am totally awesome.
Here, have a grenade!


I jumped on your back.
You screamed like a little girl.
Orca X, you wuss!

Red Dress!

Why’s it take so long
For Sandi to draw my ass?
She is really slow!


Who would guess they’re fake?
Her mutant power has to be
Her bodacious boobs!


His hair is girly;
His hammer is so studly;
I am all confused!

Fix the TV!

Holes in the TV.
Taskmaster made me angry;
Now his foot is stuck.

I don’t get it!

What’s a battlestar?
Is it a star that fights you?
He is such a nerd!


I like the red one;
Don’t like the green sprinkle one.
Dumb Bob poisoned it!


It was only once!
We didn’t kiss or nothin’!
Just mixed up our genes.

Hellooo, NURSE!

What’s she see in him?
I’m way more bendy and stuff
And scars are so hot.


Now where did she go?
Only Orca and I know.
Tricksy Mary-o.

P.S. New moodtheme! W00t!

Oh, and before all you feebs write in all, “You keep saying you don’t care two figs and a dentist’s drill about Cable, so why is he in half of these pics, huh?” The answer is:

foresthouse wrote to me:

Dear Deadpool,

addygryff and I made this Mood Theme just for you. Will you please accept this gift of our love? I’m sure Weasel can help you install it on your journal!

♥ Em

And, well, I couldn’t refuse a gift, now, could I? Especially one that came in part from my favorite little süß, addygryff. Even if it does mean the Mutant Messiah Wannabe is going to be all over my journal from now on. Whatever. I’ll just ignore all the moods he’s in. I’m used to doing that.