Posts tagged ‘asked and answered’

November 8, 2009

Jiminy Cricket on a Highwire, I’m Such a Slacker! Sorry!

Hey there, my brilliantly bouncy borschts (say that three times fast!). Guess what day it is? Well, it’s my friend’s birthday. But MORE IMPORTANTLY, it’s th’ day that I answer some’a yer questions – startin’ with th’ ones that were submitted back in what may have been the Mesozoic era. Oops. Sorry ‘bout that. Got a lot of excitement at th’ Agency these days, what with all these other me’s wanderin’ around eatin’ alla Bob’s bagels and sayin’ how good they look in their uniforms. Also it’s Tasky’s turn ta decorate th’ office (I never said people could have turns, but apparently he’s all miffed that everybody else got ta do it an’ he hasn’t yet. Next thing I know, BOB is gonna want ta decorate. Odin help us all if that happens!) an’ he’s decided ta tear everythin’ up before he puts in whatever fancy-schmancy posh décor he’s got swimmin’ around in his Queer Eye For The Straight Guy brain (I shoulda NEVER let him watch reality TV!). So we got carpets and upended chairs and Loki knows what all around th’ place right now. MAN.

Anyway. On ta th’ questions.

drownthemoon asks:

Holy hot ham and cheese on rye! I have enough questions to number them now!

1. If you had to choose one weapon from your sexy large arsenal as your favorite, which would it be?

2. Other than the smiley faces, and the Deadpool motif, what other designs do your boxers have?

3. What is your favorite flavor of cake? Furthermore, what sort of frosting do you prefer?

4. Is a cattle prod an acceptable method of enticing someone to keep from repeating the same romantic behavior?

5. Why don’t you have a harem yet?

Hot hijinks with a hausfrau! Yet another handful of numbered questions! Color me *surprised*! And psyched. And impressed with my own alliteration. Now then…

1. Ooh, this is a tough one. But I gotta say, ya know…I think it’d be the sais. I mean, sure, the katanas’re standard around here, but fer sheer looks, sais are pretty goshdarned awesome. An’ ya know, they also got three times as much pointyness per hilt. As my old friend Al would say (not the blind one, th’other one!), “ain’t that a kick in th’ pants?!” Or in this case, a poke.

P.S. Ooh, and can I choose “sais with decorative grenades on th’ handles,” or is that cheating? ‘Cause this one time, in Panama, I found these wicked sais with little grenades swingin; off th’ hilts, an’ MAN, those things were adorable. And handy. At least until I accidentally armed one while I was slashin’ some mook with it. Ouchie!

2. Ummm…ahhh…hang on a minute, k?

OK, I’m back! Had ta go hunt down Bob and the clean laundry basket (Bob’s good with th’ laundry. Almost as good as he is with th’ baking!). Lessee here, now…I gots some hearts, some clovers (Agent Casey ain’t the only one with th’ luck a’the Irish!), Daffy Duck, uhhh…what the…? ’pparently I got a pair with little recycling symbols on ‘em? Huh. I think Tasky’s tryin’ that “subliminal message” stuff on me again. He’s so prissy about stuff like garbage. Anyway. I got, hm, I got two sets with eyes on ‘em (blue AND green!) an’ a pair with cowboy hats. An’ the ones with grenades, an’ the ones with aces an’ dice, an’…man, it’s amazin’ I ever run out, isn’t it? An’ yet I always find myself havin’ ta resort ta th’ yellow panties after awhile. Funny.

3. My fav’rite flavor of cake is cake. Same goes fer th’ frostin! But, ya know, if yer question was, “if there were 100 different flavors of cake all spread out on a table in front’a you, which one would ya eat first?” then my answer would be…those big round cookie cakes you c’n get at the mall! With the icing that they put on them, whatever that stuff is. SCRUMPTIOUS.

4. If yer usin’ a cattle prod ta *entice* someone, I think yer love life’s a little on the kinky side. But if yer tryin’ ta keep them from doing somethin’ ya don’t like – cattle prods’re ok, but I say nothin’ beats a straight-up taser!

5. They’re on backorder from Russia. SOURFACE. (X^(

Next up…amejisuto wonders:

Dear Deadpool,

Any good movie or TV show reviews? What does a mercenary watch when he’s not working? On the flip side, any show or any character that you hate? My friends and I have fun discussing how we’d kill off annoying characters we can’t stand, have you ever done that?

Yeah, I’m twisted and evil. But a couple of these characters really annoy the hell out of me so I simply must wish that they’d be in a horrible industrial accident and get squashed by a shipping container while at the docks.

How much would something like that cost anyway? LOL


Ah, Ame, ma cherie, I’ve missed you! Wouldst thou go with me…to Detroit? No? Ah, awright, then; I’ll just answer yer questions. Ya know, I don’t know where the cool kids go fer reviews, but I hear foresthouse is maybe thinkin’ of doin’ some one’a these days. An’ I know cleolinda does some kick-ass recaps. Check ‘em out!

Around the Agency, I always gotta wrestle Tasky fer the remote (him an’ his pickin’ up new skills from TV. What’s with that? That’s not the point of TV!) but when I win, I watch…uh, pretty much everything. Does it ruin my street cred if I admit ta watchin’ Gossip Girl? ‘Cause I’m all about that evil schemin’ Blair chick. SHAZAM. But I gotta say, it’s gettin’ a little less fun an’ frisky these days. Hrmph. What else is on the clicker Mondays? Ah, gotta love House. That twisted genius. Man, he cracks me up. An’ FOX was totally S-M-R-T fer putting that show Lie to Me on next ta House – ‘cause now I gotta watch that one too. I mean, it’s got a hot redhead an’ everything! An’ then there’s Castle – true, the dialogue ain’t quite as snappy as me an’ Cable on a Saturday night, but hey, it’s Nathan Fillion. You gotta watch Nathan Fillion. If only fer the Best Firefly Shoutout Ever in the Halloween ep. Guess I’m not the only one who hangs onta old costumes fer years!

And, uh…ooh, I love me some Bones. Kinda reminds me of th’ good ol’ days when *I* was one half of a buddy movie team – ‘cept fer th’ part where me an’ Cable didn’t forensically solve crimes an’ stuff. Eh, close enough. Oh, and can’t ferget Supernatural – talk about blastin’ away and slicin’ an’ dicin’ things! Not ta mention Action Figure Castiel a few weeks ago was worth th’ price of admission. An’ then there’s Smallville—wait, am I allowed ta admit I watch Smallville? Hey, Marvel lawyers! What’s the rule on me tellin’ everyone I like a show about DC characters? Is that kosher?

Oh. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. …As a matter’a fact, Ame, I don’t watch Smallville. Nope! Never seen it, not even once. Not even the ep where the JLA walks away from a giant explosion all badass and sh*%. Which would have been totally cool ta watch, except that I never watched it!

But I *do* watch Psych. An’ it’s totally not fer Dule Hill’s cheekbones. Not at all! Just like why I watch Dexter an’ Dollhouse – it’s fer the characters!

An’ speakin’a characters, yeah, there are some I’d like ta see take a long walk off a short pier. With cement shoes. Lessee, now; if I was killin’ characters, Jenny Humphrey would have a tragic curlin’ iron accident – ya know th’ kind where yer hair accidentally goes up in flames? An’ if she wasn’t already leavin’ th’ show, Thirteen would be accidentally poisoned fer sure – I mean hey, poetic justice an’ all that, right? After all, she did kill that dude’s dog that one time. An’ I’d definitely knock off Emergency Backup Cop #2, whatever the hell his name is, on Castle. He’d have th’ most boring death possible, so they wouldn’t be able ta make an episode out of it. And…lessee…ooh yeah, whatshisface the annoying angel who keeps tryin’ ta get Dean ta be the Michael sword would get a short trip down ta The Pit. Oh, yeah.

As fer pricin’, well, if it was a character I couldn’t stand, I might could maybe consider a bit’a pro bono work, ya know?

Now then…Michelle Nieporte / Lady_Phantom asks via Twitter:

Hey, DP! I was wondering what your thoughts are on you being in the new Hulk Vs. Wolverine show?

Well, my phantasmic friend, I gotta say, not only am I super-psyched to *finally* be featured in animation as more than a second’s hallucination in ol’ Wolvie’s mind, but I’m also completely, totally, over-the-topally in love with th’ dude who did my voice-overs. Fer serious: Nolan North, I’m gonna hunt you down an’ buy you flowers an’ propose a lifelong business arrangement in which you do my voice-overs fer all my future animations (unless, a’course, *I’m* not too busy ta do ‘em). An’ then I’m gonna kidnap ya and run off ta Doctor Strange’s lair so’s he can work his crazy magic an’ send us back in time so’s you can do my voiceovers from Marvel Ultimate Alliance I, too. ‘Cause I don’t care how long I lived in San Francisco, I never sounded like a Californ-eye-aye surfer dude.

Oh, an’ as fer my actual screen time in the movie? I gotta say, animated me ROCKS. An’ should totally get a whole animated show of which he (I?) is (am? Man, this is so confusin’) th’ star.

Raise yer hand if you agree with me on this one. Yes? Good! ‘Cause at some comics convention ‘er another, the dude who worked on the Hulk DVD actually said that if enough fans wrote in ta say they wanted ta see more animated me, it might work! So why don’t ya all get out yer pencils (‘cause I know you’re kickin’ it old school) an’ write ta:

Marvel Studios
9242 Beverly Boulevard
Suite 350
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

To tell ‘em you think I should get my own animated movie!

An’ one more fer today. lady_of_mists writes:

Dear Deadpool:

A certain lovely, possibly a low level psionic being is temporarily out of work. At her previous job, she was paid a decent living wage. Now she is not making enough money to pay for Important Things in life — like Deadpool comics, movie tickets, Wii game systems, trips to England to stalk superheroes, or even brand name cookies. Should the certain LPALLPB take a job (if offered) which would pay much less than the job that she had before, but more than unemployment — or should she hold out for only the best of jobs as would suit her stature?

All the best! Lady_of_Mists

Well well, m’lady, we meet again. An’ as always, I got the perfect answer ta yer challengin’ question: there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING more important than bein’ able ta afford Deadpool comics. You do what you gotta do, little missy, ta get yer hands on those. Beg, borrow, steal, or take a job you ain’t too fond of, but don’t miss out on what makes life worth livin’. I mean it!

P.S. Also, eatin’, payin’ tha bills, an’ yes, Wii game systems are very, very important. So do what ya gotta do fer those, too, at least until somethin’ better comes along. Which it will. I mean, hell, I can’t even tell ya ‘bout some’a the crappy jobs *I* did while I was waiting (years. YEARS, I tell you) fer my character ta get bigger’n Ye Old Hairy Canadian Claw Master, but hey, it’s finally happened – I’ve hit the JACKPOT, baby; an’ you will too. Swear.

An’ that’s all I got time for today, folks. So until next time, keep ‘em pointy an’ polished!

June 27, 2009

Hey! I, Bob, actually get to answer questions now! Wow!

H-Hey everybody! Bob, Agent of HY–, er, I mean, President of Mr. Wilson’s Fan Club, here! Hail Mr. Wilson! Mr. Wilson (who also goes by Deadpool, of course) has finally let me out of the kitchen long enough to answer all the amazingly wonderful questions you nice, kind, fantastic people have sent in to show how much you like me and want to hear from me. Aiieeeeek!!!

Oops. Sorry! I thought I saw a mouse, and I had to deploy HYDRA Strategic Maneuver #301, Squeaking Like A Rodent And Jumping On The Couch, which, you know, when I think about it, wouldn’t squeaking like a rodent when you see a rodent maybe be like you were doing a mating call or something? Which would attract the rodent? Huh. Well maybe not. I mean, I guess…I guess HYDRA knows best. After Mr. Wilson, of course.

Mr. Wilson’s so great. He’s been trying to teach me some new tricks, like Holding A Katana, and Pointing A Gun, and Not Running From Fists, and Throwing A Grenade After Remembering To Pull Out The Pin, but I don’t think I’m getting along as fast as he’d like. (Alison always did say I was a bit slow. I thought she was talking about my chewing, though. You know, it’s important to chew a bite 42 times before you swallow. Especially if you don’t have a good medical plan that covers choking and things.) Mr. Wilson shouts a lot after a few minutes of lessons, and last week he put his fist through the Agency wall again after I hid behind his desk for the 52nd time. But he’s so nice that he is still trying to help me learn. I mean, he says it’s because at the level I am at now I’m “more dangerous ta others than a pigeon who’s just eaten a big meal’a C4 an’ perched on yer shoulder,” but he’s always saying things like that. I don’t know why the only HYDRA training classes I ever excelled in besides hiding were the ones like Killer Baking 101, Poisonous Puddings 265, Sharp Salads 322, and Arsenic Hors d’oeuvres 436, but Mr. Wilson lets me practice my cooking and baking a lot, because he also says we should “play ta our strengths an’ surprise the enemy.” Last week he surprised an enemy with some of my Myoporum Muffins (Delicious and Deadly!). He said they worked like a witch’s charm. I was very proud.

So I guess I should answer questions now, huh? Oh, except I have to tell you something else I’m so proud of: Mr. Wilson told me I could be President of his Fan Club!!! I mean, I had to cling to his ankle and beg for awhile while he dragged me around the office like a leg weight, but then he said ok! So now I am President Bob! Alison would be so proud, if she still answered my calls.

As President, I feel I have certain duties to Mr. Wilson, so I’ve been looking around to see what people are saying about him. And it turns out, Mr. Wilson has LOTS of fans. (Who should all become members of the Official Fan Club of which I am the President, of course. There is A Button that you can buy once you are An Official Member. There is also A Secret Handshake, once I figure out the rest of it. If you want to join, I think it’s ok with Mr. Wilson if you comment here with your email address. I am not sure what I will do with your email address, except maybe send you a link to A Button You Can Buy And Wear To Show You Are Official. But I am sure I will figure out other things to do with it. I won’t sell it to anybody, though. I promise!)

Anyway, as Fan Club President, I think now would be a good time to mention some of the amazing fans out there who have been doing all kinds of neat things in honor of Mr. Wilson.

Links to Neat Mr. Wilson-Related Things

I think maybe Mr. Wilson already mentioned these first two before, but just in case, I will mention them again:

The Deadpool Bugle is the place where you can read ALL the news on where Mr. Wilson will be appearing and what people are saying about him. It also has a Twitter feed.

Deadpool and Friends is where you can watch YouTube videos that are mostly about Mr. Wilson. The person who runs it also has Twitter.

And here are some I don’t think Mr. Wilson mentioned yet:

I’m a Marvel…and I’m a DC. Here at the Agency, we love ItsJustSomeRandomGuy, but I don’t think we’ve mentioned him before. So now I will! You should all watch every single one of his videos because they are all amazing. AND now Mr. Wilson is in several of them, too. Here are the ones he is in so far:

Hi, I’m a Marvel…and I’m a DC: Wolverine (Deadpool) and Watchmen

Hi, I’m a Marvel…and I’m a DC: Wolverine Heroes and Watchmen Heroes

Marvel and DC Keep on Trekkin’ (Marvel/DC/Star Trek Parody)

Marvel/DC/Terminator Salvation Parody

Marvel/DC: The Hangover, Up, and Drag Me To Hell Parodies

Marvel and DC Talk Transformers (Marvel/DC/Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen Parody)

Yay, RandomGuy and RandomGal! (And RandomCat!)

What Would Deadpool Do? is by a couple of Mr. Wilson’s fans who have made what I think is called a “mash-up” of Star Wars and Deadpool comics (not to be confused with my Monkshood Mashed Potatoes). As they say on TV Tropes, when you put two wacky things like that together, Hilarity Ensues.

ScarletVulture’s Comics show some of Mr. Wilson’s “unofficial” adventures. They are very, very good. I wish I could draw like that. But I can’t. Oh well. At least I can bake!

The Merc With A Mouth Files page contains some of Mr. Wilson’s information on some of the many, many people Mr. Wilson has interacted with in the course of his important work. Of course, it might not have all of the classified info. But that’s because if Mr. Wilson told us that, he’d have to kill us. At least, that’s what he’s always telling me.

Kyle Robinson Customs is a place where you can get little dollies action figures of Mr. Wilson and other people he knows. The guy who runs this site is a big fan of Mr. Wilson, so he has many different versions of Mr. Wilson’s costume and things for people to choose from. I only have 6 so far, but I’m hoping to collect a few more!

The Deadpool Forum is a pretty cool new place for people to go and talk about Mr. Wilson and comics and other things. Mr. Wilson’s Number One Fan (but not President of the Fan Club, that’s me!), foresthouse, joins in the conversations over there sometimes.

And I think that’s all the links I have for now. If you know of other good fan places, you should let me know so I can put them in the Official Fan Club Files.

And now I really will answer your questions. Mr. Wilson says that since seven isn’t much more than five I can answer all seven of the questions people asked me! Let’s see, how does Mr. Wilson usually do this? Oh. Oh right.

youtubedeadpool writes:

Wow! Hey thanks for the shout out! It is greatly appreciated. I shall repay you with a question for Bob and some authentic New Mexican food if you ever come this way.

Question for Bob:
If you could kick any three people square in the nuts and get away with it, who would it be?

Gee, I’m not sure we’ve gotten to the Kicking People In The Nuts part of our training yet, although I know Mr. Wilson is an expert at that. I guess I will just have to use my imagination and pretend I am skilled in that so that I can imagine who I might want to use that skill on. Huh. And also I will have to imagine that my therapist did not tell me not to release my anger at myself and Alison towards other people, and to be tranquil like a babbling brook and all of that.

OK. OK, I think I’ve got it. The first would be L. Ron Hubbard. I mean, I know he’s not alive, but if I had a time machine as well as a way to get away with kicking people, I would definitely kick Hubbard for making a cult out of a bunch of science fiction stories. I mean, not only does that give nice science fiction writers a bad name, but Alison’s uncle Stewy sent all his money to those stupid Scientologists and he was still a crazy drunk who ended up falling off a trolley car and dying. I blame Hubbard. And also, what kind of a name is L. Ron?

I guess I’d also use my time machine to kick Michael Jackson’s dad. A lot. He sounds like one mean evil man.

And I guess if I was ABSOLUTELY assured of no consequences…I’d kick APOCALYPSE in the nuts. Just because I could!

And now I have to do my breathing exercises for a minute. My therapist wouldn’t like me getting all excited like this.


designatedhero wrote:

What was there not to like about Wild Wild West? Overly-elaborate death traps, campy villains, super awesome trains, Ulysses S. Grant?!

Anyway, onto Bob:

Let’s face it Bob, you throw like a girl. You ever considered getting lessons? Maybe going to a baseball game and taking some notes?

I liked Wild Wild West, personally. But don’t tell Mr. Wilson I said that!

Gee, Mr. Hero, I’m really flattered that you think I am such a good sportsperson. Alison was an All-Star League pitcher back in our hometown, and I never thought I was as good as her in the throwing department, even though she really, really tried to teach me. I guess I do throw a lot like Alison did, but then, she used to strike out a lot of people every game, so I thought that was a good thing. Huh. I guess I could go to a baseball game sometime and see how other people do it. But I bet most of them aren’t as good as my Alison is. Was. Is still. Even if she’s not really my Alison anymore. You know what I mean.

isntthatfancy asks:

Dear Bob Agent of Hydra,

The other day I had a math test that I’d consciously chosen not to study for. I didn’t want my teacher to think I was stupid though, so when I came upon a problem that I just couldn’t figure out, I filled in the answer blank with something I did know about: The history of Russia. A whole essay on it.

For some reason I didn’t get any points, not even for effort! Oh Bob, with all your great knowledge, could you possibly tell me something that would have been a better topic? What would you deem worthy of points despite being not-math?

Dear Fancy Person,

I would think an essay on the art of stealth combat cookery would have impressed your teacher very much, to the point where he or she would have given you an A+. I mean, stealth combat cookery is a very exact kind of cookery – it really has to be done right, and you have to be very meticulous about measuring your seasonings and making little spaces for explosives to be hidden and getting the doses for the poisons right and all of that. And certainly after you wrote the section on How To Make Apples Grizwald, I am sure your teacher would be very, very impressed.

trashjack wants to know:

Dear Bob, Agent of HYDRA,

What the hell did Deadpool do to you? You know, when you two first met, and he was tiny for some reason (probably involving Pym Particles or the Rhino; I never knew what happened immediately before that adventure). When he threatened you with your own HYDRA ID card, you said that because he was so minuscule, he could not harm you. You clearly ended up being very wrong about that, but I want to know HOW wrong. What on earth did he do to you with that card? And why did you look unhurt after that?

Dear Mr. Jack,

Mr. Wilson is very, very tricky and smart in a very unique way that I like to call “The Deadpool Way.” It is very practical, kind of like The Way of Mrs Cosmopilite, but in a completely different Way. As in not so logical, just practical. And one of the practical things I learned from Mr. Wilson when he had my ID card in hand is that even tiny people, if they know where to push with a sharp plastic corner, can cut your eyeball right in half. At least, that’s sort of something like what he told me in his tiny voice right before I decided I didn’t want to find out if he was one of the people who knew where to push. My Way includes the maxim, “Don’t do anything stupid that could get you killed.” And that would include disobeying Mr. Wilson, who could clearly get me killed in many, many ways. People who follow my Way might not have the most fun, but they usually have the longest lives!

lady_of_mists wonders:


How would *you* go about keeping people in a hospital from waking you up every forty-five minutes during the night shift? Please remember that there are no locks on any of the doors (even the bathrooms!) and that this hypothetical hospital room is on the sixth floor.

All the best,


Dear Lady,

This one is easy. I would ask Mr. Wilson to go and make sure no one woke me up unless it was important to my own personal health that they do so. And then I would offer him money so he would do what I asked him to. He is very conscientious about doing what someone asks when he is being given money for it. Sometimes. Which is why I would also offer him the money in several parts, with the last bit being given to him after my release from the hospital.

And people say I am not smart!

benicio127 says:

DP! And Bob, Agent of Hydra Hail HYDRA! Answering questions!
How fabulous.

Question for Bob, Agent of Hydra Hail HYDRA!
Let’s say you’re in a desert and a scary dude walks up to you. Your training is to hide, but where do you hide? Do you stick your head in the sand like an ostrich? Burrow underground like a marmot? Make like tumbleweed and roll away?
Do tell!

Well, Benicio (Benicio del Toro, is that you? OMG I’m such a fan!), I will tell you that even in the desert a clever hiding operative can find plenty of places to hide. For instance, in our HYDRA manual, all of the illustrations of deserts had a big cactus in them to show that it was a desert situation. Since I am not a beefy man, I am sure I could hide behind a cactus with only minimal pain and tiny pricks to the skin. Also, in HYDRA Hiding School, we were taught that with the right willpower, humans can make themselves really, really flat. Like a hamster! So in a desert situation, I might lie down and sprinkle some sand over myself and then make myself really, really flat, thus looking like merely a Bob-shaped hillock of sand! The scary dude would never even know I was there! And of course, there is the age old run-and-hide-behind-a-sand-dune method. Most deserts have little hills and things. Once you are behind one, you can burrow in pretty quickly, given a sharp implement and the right level of fear as a motivator.

Nope, the desert would not pose a-ny problem at all, when it came to me and hiding! I am sure of it.

And now, one last question:

writerbunny asks:

Bob, Agent of HYDRA HAIL HYDRA!:

If you could go anywhere in the world on a week’s holiday, where would you go?

Ooh! Ooh! That reminds me, Mr. Wilson promised me that next week I could finally go on that holiday he told me I could have two years ago. OOOH. And I know exactly where I am going, too. Geneva, Switzerland! I think it is probably the least likely place in the whole world where anyone would be shooting at me, trying to stab me, or even yelling at me. I can’t WAIT!

And, well, I think that’s all the questions you wonderful, lovely fans asked me. So I guess here is where I must leave you! But maybe Mr. Wilson will let me do this again sometime. It was fun, being out of the kitchen for awhile and answering your questions! I hope you had fun reading my answers, too!


Bob, President of Mr. Wilson’s Fan Club Hail Mr. Wilson!

April 15, 2009

Crunchy Churro at a Carnival Cart, It’s Been a Busy Day!

Holy horny toads in a hot bayou, my fearsome followers! I am just about the slowest typist this side of Louisiana, ain’t I? Ah well, quit’cher complainin’, ’cause I just got paid fer a sneaky little recon job me an’ Outlaw pulled, so now I can take a few minutes to sit back, relax with some of Bob’s Icy Death Lemonade (Now! With Arctic Poison Ice!*), and answer some a’ your ingenious questions. Please, please – try to contain your excitement.

OK, then…lookin’ through the pile a’junk Sandi handed me on my way in…Ah! Here’s one that’s been festerin’ in the mail heap for awhile:

docwebster says:

Greetings, o purveyor of awesometudeness. I bring you numbered questions, and true brain strainers they are, too.

1) What’s up with the feebs at Marvel’s website making it so dang hard to subscribe to your new series?

2) What’s up with Outlaw chasing that closet case boyfriend-Fabio lookalike contest reject instead of basking in the glow of the mighty Deadpool?

3) Where the hell are my pants?

Oh, numbered questions, let me count the ways I adore you! But first, let me answer you!

1. First things first: anyone else here see the irony a’ the Doc askin’ me what’s up? Yeah, I thought so. Now then, Doc, there’s a very simple explanation here, and it goes somethin’ like this: see, whenever Marvel prints an issue of my comic, the editors look at it, all shiny and pretty and new, and decide that you feebs don’t deserve such a wondrous piece of artistry. They decide they want t’keep ’em all! (You know the mooks who work in comics are the biggest geeky collectors of them all, after all.) So they go an’ sabotage the online subscription sign-up and order list, and then they lock all the issues up in The Special Vault. An’ then the accountants start crunchin’ numbers (as they do) and go on an’ on about pesky little things like “cost of supplies” and “overhead” and “profits” and what-all, and the editors cry and pout, an’ then the accountants haveta go down the hall and get Fred.

Fred’s a little slow, but he’s a big dude that don’t ask fer much pay, so they keep ‘im around for this stuff. So Fred goes and pries the new issues away from the editors, and beats up whichever one of them sabotaged the order list this week, an’ everything gets straightened out. But see, Doc, this whole song an’ dance happens every single issue, an’ it kinda slows things down. So that’s why it’s so hard to receive issues of my awesome comic on time. It’s because they’re SO AWESOME.

See? Wasn’t that a simple explanation?

2. You know, I’d say it’s gotta be the hair. I mean, we all know I’m one in a million and three, here, but Outlaw’s got this thing about pretty blonde hair, an’ I ain’t bin sportin’ that for a long while (X-Force #56, anyone?). So I prob’ly wouldn’t be much use on a trip t’the mall an’ the hair salon, plus last time we went I may have accidentally, y’know, inadvertently caused some murder an’ mayhem, and Outlaw hates it when things get between her and her sale items. Anyway, her la-di-da relationship with WB doesn’t really phase me. Whatever barbeques her ribs is cool with me, ’cause I got my eye on a different gal. But I do wish Thor wasn’t so goshdarned whiny.

3. In yer back pocket, a’course! I can’t believe ya didn’t check there already!

Now then, since I’m on a roll, here…

ghetto_ninjette writes:

Dear Deadpool,

I have a few questions for you!

1. Do you still have feelings for Siryn?

2. Are you even more embarrassed about being cursed with the face of Thom Cruz [after being cursed by Thanos for trying to hook up with Death] now that he’s gone crazy and is into Scientology?

3. On average, how much do you think you spend on Taco Bell?

4. Would you ever consider Jack In The Box tacos?

Thanks for taking the time to read my questions!

❤ –Ames

Ah, my precious little Ninjette, your numbered questions have stealthily stolen into my heart and nestled there, right alongside my eXtreme love of delayed-detonation hand grenades. And now, to answers!

1. Well, I know th’ mooks who run this LiveJournal carnival tend to frown on explicit written pornography, so in th’ interest of not rainin’ on their funnel cake stand, I’ll skip over how much seein’ Red spins my carousel, an’ just say that I’ll always have a little soft spot in my heart for th’ stunning songstress – prob’ly the spot right next to my love of sharp shiny things.

2. Man, I was embarrassed enough before anyone went around jumpin’ on couches and grinnin’ like a monkey on speed all the time. Lemme just say, no matter how much I may have looked like the dude, I never got so excited talking to people about my belief in aliens an’ explodin’ volcanoes or whatever that I looked like I was gonna spit a lung up at them. AND that I would rather be cursed with immortality than that face. Whew, what a narrow escape THAT was!

3. Ahh, who’s to say? Sandi got me an expense account there. She said it took some doin’ – apparently no one else in th’ known world had ever asked fer one. But then, I always knew I was special.

4. Are they free? Free for me? THEN HELL YES.

Anytime, baby. Now ninja on outta here and bring me a taco!

OK, one more before I go see if Agent Orca has left a single snack in the kitchen t’day.

spam_monster says:

…Well, I’m glad to hear that you still would want to team up with Nate after all that. Seriously, you guys are just awesome together. *fangirls*

But anyway, questions!

1. If you could get some kinda super tricked-out crimefi-I mean merc-work vehicle, what would it be? And what sort of features would it have?

2. What do you superhero/villian types normally wear under your costumes? Do any of them, you know, go commando? (Or just wear a little red thong like Tony Stark?)

3. Could you possibly find some way to jump into another comic book universe? If so, can you punch this guy in the face for me?-
Because he really needs to be punched in the face.

I’ll pay you in cookies. Or brownies, or cupcakes. Some type of baked goods. Please?

Ooh, numbered questions from the Monster of Spam! Shouldn’t they all be asking me if I want to expand my mojo with the little blue pills an’ things? Huh. Guess not. Ok, here we go!

1. You know those giant hamster balls? The ones where you can go rollin’ down hills an’ over th’ water an’ stuff? Well, I’m not sayin’ that would be my transportation a’choice, but it’s definitely gotta be a feature. Collapse one a’those down and pack it in the side compartment for the easy jobs, ya know? Because, I mean, what else strikes fear inta th’heart of whatever mafia goons you’re about ta knock off like a Giant Hamster Ball A’ Doom barrelin’ straight for them? Gets ’em every time, I tell ya, right about when I roll on over their heads. Other features, other features…OOH. Well, a smoothie machine, fer sure. Sometimes a brain freeze is just what my bubblin’ brain-pan needs. And a’course, some of us are easily distracted, so I guess I’d have ta heist one of Mr. Iron Man Stark’s little smart robots to rig up somewhere so it could hand me my smoothies and take the ladies’ phone numbers when I slow down at red lights and all that. An’ naturally I’d have some, y’know, homing missiles, spike-producin’ tires, crazy spy GPS tech, an’ pretty much everything else you’ve ever seen in a Bond movie.

But where would all this custom gear fit, you ask me? No contest! In a tricked out, souped up Ducati Superbike 1198 S, a’course. Don’t think I could fit it all in there? ‘Chya! A’course I could. Look at how much Tony fits in one little suit a’armor and tell me I couldn’t do even better with a Ducati! Not to mention their gear comes in my colors.

2. OK, now see, I don’t go around spyin’ on the other supercool peeps in their skivvies unless they happen t’be, y’know, women. So I can’t say one way or th’ other what Tony wears under that suit. An’ there are some things us superheroes (like me!) are totally sworn to secrecy on, like how Emma Frost manages to keep her top from falling down all the time (but oooh, wouldn’t you fanboys love to know how I found that one out). I will say, though, that those of us who wear spandex have a much easier time of it if we forget our briefs than kids like Tony. OUCH! An’ then you got crazy bastards like The Thing, who pretty much wanders around in his boxers all day without anyone sayin’ a word, even if he does look like magnified sandpaper. So pretty much what I’m sayin’ is it depends a whole lot on who we’re talkin’ about. Me, I get by with just about anything I can find that’s sorta clean at the moment, which usually means something with little Deadpool symbols on it, although I’m not above wearin’ the green panties if Bob hasn’t finished the laundry yet. I look pretty darned good in green. Yellow, too!

3. OK, I tell you what – if I ever get out of the crossover story I’m stuck in right now, I’ll take a little detour downtown to Veidt’s place and knock his lights out for ya. And you know? I’ll even do it for free. ‘Cause MAN, what a tool that dude is.

I won’t turn down baked goods if they’re offered, though.

P.S. Yes, to answer your other question, Nate *is* part pirate, thanks to his pirate captain granddaddy’s shenanigans (although I’m not sure his granddaddy was the sharpest splinter in the tinderbox. Who builds a plane out of wood these days?). In fact, one of his middle names I always forget t’list is “Yaarrrrrr.” I think it’s somewhere between “Christopher” and “Dayspring,” but who can remember? Anywho, I got him an eyepatch for his glowy-eye one Christmas, ’cause it was totally keeping me awake at night, but he refused to wear it unless I saluted him and called him “Yaarrrrrr.” He’s very respectful of his heritage. What a dork.

An’ that’s it for today, my friendly amigos. Bob’s cookin’ up some South a’the Border specialties fer dinner, and I don’t want to be late. You know how I love me some Mexican food.

So until next time, keep ’em revved and ready! (And I’m referring here to my elite fleet of Ducati motorcycles. You know, the ones I assume you all are buying for me as we speak. You haven’t started signin’ the papers yet? WELL GET TO IT. I accept both red and black paint jobs. Thank you.)

* Sandi would like to remind us all that Artic Poison Ice, while not harmful to regenerative wonders like me, is actually a serious matter that we should be trying to stop, even if it does leave Bob with less fun ingredients to experiment with. So recycle and save energy and and help stop global warming and all that jazz! Sandi thanks you.

March 5, 2009



Just when I was about ta celebrate my lil old journal havin’ FIFTY WHOLE READERS now (hello, readers!), I find out someone else out there in LJ land is claimin’ to be me. What’s up with this, yo? I didn’t even know I hadda stake my claim. MAN. Every time I look around, some yutz is pretendin’ t’be cool like ‘Pool. Whyizzat? I guess it’s just ’cause I’m so awesome. BUT STILL.

Look. It’s me. Right here. Here I am, at home in my kitchen! No paparazzi or fake ‘Poolmeister could get a picture like that, y’know?

And they don’t even got no way fer me ta challenge this mook! What is this “first come, first serve” junk? Where’s the part where I can challenge them to a duel fer my identity? THAT SHOULD BE IN THE RULES, FEEBS.

Hrmph. Well, just fer that, I’m gonna go ahead and…answer a question! TAKE THAT, fake ‘Poolster.

OK, now. This one here’s from tyrannicalalien, who asked me, way back in September (really, September? Great gourds of fire, I am a slacker!):

Dear Deadpool,

Who’d be your ideal sidekick, eh?

Well I guess I should assume we’re leavin’ out the obvious, here, right? I mean, it’s not like I’d choose him or nothing, but he does share some DNA with me and stuff…hem. Anyway, if we’re not talkin’ ’bout stupid jerks who left me behind to go off and try to save the world, then I guess I’d hafta say…

Rex the Wonder Dog!

(Crossovers’re allowed, right?)

I mean, who wouldn’t want a super-soldier sidekick who was smarter than most humans but didn’t constantly yammer on while you were tryin’ ta make a speech yerself? He can ride a horse! He can swing on vines! He beat up a T-Rex! It’s like having Captain American in canine form! Except I guess he’d have ta carry the shield in his teeth or somethin’. But whatever. Hands down, I’d take this pooch as a sidekick any day. Too bad he won’t return my calls.

Hmmm. I guess I got time fer one more before I gotta go find me a late night snack. Bob made Homocidal Ham and Cheese sandwiches earlier, but I ate ’em all before 3. Damn.

OK, then. amejisuto asks,

Dear Deadpool,

If you could guest star on any TV show, past or present, which one would you choose?


Oh, now, this one’s easy as crackin’ necks in Sunday School. (Uh, not that I ever cracked anyone’s neck durin’ Sunday School. Really. Scout’s honor!) No question about it, I’d pick FIREFLY! (What a shock, another great franchise FOX screwed up!) I mean, who the hell wouldn’t want t’be a SPACE COWBOY? Not to mention me’n’Jayne would obviously be best buds, once he acknowledged my superior skills (and gettin’ him ta do that would probably involve some fun knock-down drag-out fights, too! I promise I wouldn’t kill him or nothin’. He’s cool) and little Kaylee is the cutest piece of ass on two legs. RrrOWR. Sure, me an’ the Captain might have a tussle or two now and again, and I’d have no use fer the doctor at ALL, but I bet River and I could have some GREAT conversations. Don’tcha think?

Oh! Bob just yelled out from the kitchen that he’s finished makin’ his new Calotropis Calzones. I can’t wait to try one! Gotta go!

So until next time, keep ’em oiled and ready!

January 28, 2009

In-a-Gadda-da-Vida dey had good apples. Yah.

Great galumphing gazpacho on a grizzly! Am I glad to be here instead of hangin’ out in the pages of yet another Pool’o’vision-heavy storyline! *grumble grr rassumfrassum Pool’o’vision* But I gotta say, the Agency has gotten real dirty while I was out doing Secret Things with Secret People all those months. Clearly Agent X is gettin’ more bored than usual with the whole not-getting-to-do-anything-ever-because-fat-characters-aren’t-cool-unless-they’re-named-Kingpin thing. He’s gone and turned one half of the lobby into a crazy-ass shooting range, complete with whacked-out rubber duckies in a row (and doesn’t #4 look a lot like someone we know?). Remind me to clock him one for the giant poster of me with bullet holes in the head.

But enough about that crazy s.o.b.! We got more important things to talk about. Like how, finally, after more procrastination than twelve Marvel writers on a deadline, I’m gonna answer me some questions! (Please, please, hold your applause until the end.)

So starting from the very ancient and moving forward…

slothfulsamoyed writes:

Dear Deadpool:

I do know how you love numbered questions. However my driving need for nonconformity means that they’ll be Roman numerals.

I. Only a few months ago did I actually start paying for the privilege of reading your comics (blame scan communities), and I regret nothing. But something really bothers me. The last two volumes of Cable & Deadpool cost, like, five dollars more than the rest. That might not seem like a lot to a merc with as much work as you get but I’m an art student, so my comic budget is pretty small. So what’s up with the sudden hike in price?

II. My friends and I are constantly arguing over the fact that some of us preferred The Dark Knight and some preferred Iron Man. Which movie did you enjoy more?

III. Why does your costume keep changing? I mean, how many different ways can there be to strap two swords to your back? Seriously. This is a pain to keep track of.

Oohh, Roman numeralled questions. You sure know how to appeal to a guy with classy taste – like me! Now then, lessee here…

I. Well, my furry little friend (and speaking’a that, get your cold nose outta my armpit while I’m tryin’ t’type, willya?) there’s a real simple answer t’that. The truth’a the matter is, guns are expensive, not even counting the endless ammo I need so I can do what I do best (yeah, yeah, tagline copyright infringement blah-de-blee. Bite me, Wolverine). And big guns are really expensive. So I bet you can imagine how much Liefeld-sized guns cost. And that’s just the beginning. After all the guns and ammo me an’Cable need, you got’cher grenades, yer knives, yer hand-crafted heavy-duty landmines, yer katana-handle-grip-tape (what the heck is that stuff called, anyway?), yer switchblades, yer Vaseline, yer crossbows, yer grappling hooks, yer fuzzy handcuffs, yer…well, you get the idea. The point is: Merc werc? It don’t come cheap. And what happened, see, is that suddenly, all our favorite suppliers showed up at the office to collect, and Cable and his wallet were off saving the world or whatever, and I’d just got back from Vegas (yeah, baby), and Nicole and Fabian and Reilly and the whole happy bunch’a mooks who chronicled The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay Cable and Deadpool realized that they were, erm, a bit short’a cold hard cash to pay the piper. So: price hike! ‘Cause it was either that or Fabian lost a hand, Reilly lost an eye, and Nicole lost…well, they decided it’d be better to pay is all I’ll say.

There. Now wasn’t that a simple answer?

II. Ooh, now this is a toughie, doomed to inspire endless debates, just like the age-old question of who has more spine, Weasel or a jellyfish. But personally, I gotta say, I don’t see why we can’t just all get along and agree that Batman and Iron Man would totally be drinking buddies if the mooks over at Marvel and DC headquarters ever decided to get crazy and make that crossover happen. I mean, think about it: two rich miserable geniuses with messed-up psyches and way more gadgets than any grown man strictly needs. They could sit around all day moping about their problems and comparing Bat-a-rangs and shoulder-mounted missiles. It’d be an emo friendship made in heaven. Don’t believe me? Just watch this.

III. We do it just to piss you off. POW!

And on we go.

chrryblssmninja asks:

1) What big-name fashion designer would you model for?

2) If you were in the Olympics, what sport(s?) would you compete in, how many medals would you get, and what international judging scandal would probably arise?

Numbered questions: they make my world go round!

1) Well, my sweet li’l cherry pie, for this one I’d have to say Narciso Rodriguez. After all, his designs are red and black and scary all over, which fits me to a T. A’course, he’d have to go a lot less girly before I’d wear his gear, but, hey, I just bet with a proper (and sharp) incentive, he could make it happen. And you all know I’d look stunning.

2) Oh, ya know I’d rock the house at table tennis. I’d be all up in those judges’ faces, like, “WHO’S FORREST GUMP TO YA NOW, FEEBS? And they’d be so wowed they’d give me all three medals. And the ones from curling, since it isn’t really a sport anyway. It’s just something the Scots used to do between reaving to keep warm. And I guess I’d go out for judo, too, just for kicks. I always like the easy A’s. As for scandals, the real scandal would be when I challenged the entire judo-judgin’ panel to a knock-down drag-out fight and they ran away crying like babies. Ohh, yeah.

Ooh, would ya look at the time? It’s half past time for me to go kick some ass on another secret mission that you won’t be reading about because Way only writes about the ones with zombies in ‘em.

So until next time, keep ‘em locked, cocked, and ready to rock!