Hey there, my brilliantly bouncy borschts (say that three times fast!). Guess what day it is? Well, it’s my friend’s birthday. But MORE IMPORTANTLY, it’s th’ day that I answer some’a yer questions – startin’ with th’ ones that were submitted back in what may have been the Mesozoic era. Oops. Sorry ‘bout that. Got a lot of excitement at th’ Agency these days, what with all these other me’s wanderin’ around eatin’ alla Bob’s bagels and sayin’ how good they look in their uniforms. Also it’s Tasky’s turn ta decorate th’ office (I never said people could have turns, but apparently he’s all miffed that everybody else got ta do it an’ he hasn’t yet. Next thing I know, BOB is gonna want ta decorate. Odin help us all if that happens!) an’ he’s decided ta tear everythin’ up before he puts in whatever fancy-schmancy posh décor he’s got swimmin’ around in his Queer Eye For The Straight Guy brain (I shoulda NEVER let him watch reality TV!). So we got carpets and upended chairs and Loki knows what all around th’ place right now. MAN.
Anyway. On ta th’ questions.
Holy hot ham and cheese on rye! I have enough questions to number them now!
1. If you had to choose one weapon from your sexy large arsenal as your favorite, which would it be?
2. Other than the smiley faces, and the Deadpool motif, what other designs do your boxers have?
3. What is your favorite flavor of cake? Furthermore, what sort of frosting do you prefer?
4. Is a cattle prod an acceptable method of enticing someone to keep from repeating the same romantic behavior?
5. Why don’t you have a harem yet?
Hot hijinks with a hausfrau! Yet another handful of numbered questions! Color me *surprised*! And psyched. And impressed with my own alliteration. Now then…
1. Ooh, this is a tough one. But I gotta say, ya know…I think it’d be the sais. I mean, sure, the katanas’re standard around here, but fer sheer looks, sais are pretty goshdarned awesome. An’ ya know, they also got three times as much pointyness per hilt. As my old friend Al would say (not the blind one, th’other one!), “ain’t that a kick in th’ pants?!” Or in this case, a poke.
P.S. Ooh, and can I choose “sais with decorative grenades on th’ handles,” or is that cheating? ‘Cause this one time, in Panama, I found these wicked sais with little grenades swingin; off th’ hilts, an’ MAN, those things were adorable. And handy. At least until I accidentally armed one while I was slashin’ some mook with it. Ouchie!
2. Ummm…ahhh…hang on a minute, k?
…
…
OK, I’m back! Had ta go hunt down Bob and the clean laundry basket (Bob’s good with th’ laundry. Almost as good as he is with th’ baking!). Lessee here, now…I gots some hearts, some clovers (Agent Casey ain’t the only one with th’ luck a’the Irish!), Daffy Duck, uhhh…what the…? ’pparently I got a pair with little recycling symbols on ‘em? Huh. I think Tasky’s tryin’ that “subliminal message” stuff on me again. He’s so prissy about stuff like garbage. Anyway. I got, hm, I got two sets with eyes on ‘em (blue AND green!) an’ a pair with cowboy hats. An’ the ones with grenades, an’ the ones with aces an’ dice, an’…man, it’s amazin’ I ever run out, isn’t it? An’ yet I always find myself havin’ ta resort ta th’ yellow panties after awhile. Funny.
3. My fav’rite flavor of cake is cake. Same goes fer th’ frostin! But, ya know, if yer question was, “if there were 100 different flavors of cake all spread out on a table in front’a you, which one would ya eat first?” then my answer would be…those big round cookie cakes you c’n get at the mall! With the icing that they put on them, whatever that stuff is. SCRUMPTIOUS.
4. If yer usin’ a cattle prod ta *entice* someone, I think yer love life’s a little on the kinky side. But if yer tryin’ ta keep them from doing somethin’ ya don’t like – cattle prods’re ok, but I say nothin’ beats a straight-up taser!
5. They’re on backorder from Russia. SOURFACE. (X^(
Dear Deadpool,
Any good movie or TV show reviews? What does a mercenary watch when he’s not working? On the flip side, any show or any character that you hate? My friends and I have fun discussing how we’d kill off annoying characters we can’t stand, have you ever done that?
Yeah, I’m twisted and evil. But a couple of these characters really annoy the hell out of me so I simply must wish that they’d be in a horrible industrial accident and get squashed by a shipping container while at the docks.
How much would something like that cost anyway? LOL
Ame
Ah, Ame, ma cherie, I’ve missed you! Wouldst thou go with me…to Detroit? No? Ah, awright, then; I’ll just answer yer questions. Ya know, I don’t know where the cool kids go fer reviews, but I hear foresthouse is maybe thinkin’ of doin’ some one’a these days. An’ I know cleolinda does some kick-ass recaps. Check ‘em out!
Around the Agency, I always gotta wrestle Tasky fer the remote (him an’ his pickin’ up new skills from TV. What’s with that? That’s not the point of TV!) but when I win, I watch…uh, pretty much everything. Does it ruin my street cred if I admit ta watchin’ Gossip Girl? ‘Cause I’m all about that evil schemin’ Blair chick. SHAZAM. But I gotta say, it’s gettin’ a little less fun an’ frisky these days. Hrmph. What else is on the clicker Mondays? Ah, gotta love House. That twisted genius. Man, he cracks me up. An’ FOX was totally S-M-R-T fer putting that show Lie to Me on next ta House – ‘cause now I gotta watch that one too. I mean, it’s got a hot redhead an’ everything! An’ then there’s Castle – true, the dialogue ain’t quite as snappy as me an’ Cable on a Saturday night, but hey, it’s Nathan Fillion. You gotta watch Nathan Fillion. If only fer the Best Firefly Shoutout Ever in the Halloween ep. Guess I’m not the only one who hangs onta old costumes fer years!
And, uh…ooh, I love me some Bones. Kinda reminds me of th’ good ol’ days when *I* was one half of a buddy movie team – ‘cept fer th’ part where me an’ Cable didn’t forensically solve crimes an’ stuff. Eh, close enough. Oh, and can’t ferget Supernatural – talk about blastin’ away and slicin’ an’ dicin’ things! Not ta mention Action Figure Castiel a few weeks ago was worth th’ price of admission. An’ then there’s Smallville—wait, am I allowed ta admit I watch Smallville? Hey, Marvel lawyers! What’s the rule on me tellin’ everyone I like a show about DC characters? Is that kosher?
…
Oh. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. …As a matter’a fact, Ame, I don’t watch Smallville. Nope! Never seen it, not even once. Not even the ep where the JLA walks away from a giant explosion all badass and sh*%. Which would have been totally cool ta watch, except that I never watched it!
But I *do* watch Psych. An’ it’s totally not fer Dule Hill’s cheekbones. Not at all! Just like why I watch Dexter an’ Dollhouse – it’s fer the characters!
An’ speakin’a characters, yeah, there are some I’d like ta see take a long walk off a short pier. With cement shoes. Lessee, now; if I was killin’ characters, Jenny Humphrey would have a tragic curlin’ iron accident – ya know th’ kind where yer hair accidentally goes up in flames? An’ if she wasn’t already leavin’ th’ show, Thirteen would be accidentally poisoned fer sure – I mean hey, poetic justice an’ all that, right? After all, she did kill that dude’s dog that one time. An’ I’d definitely knock off Emergency Backup Cop #2, whatever the hell his name is, on Castle. He’d have th’ most boring death possible, so they wouldn’t be able ta make an episode out of it. And…lessee…ooh yeah, whatshisface the annoying angel who keeps tryin’ ta get Dean ta be the Michael sword would get a short trip down ta The Pit. Oh, yeah.
As fer pricin’, well, if it was a character I couldn’t stand, I might could maybe consider a bit’a pro bono work, ya know?
Now then…Michelle Nieporte / Lady_Phantom asks via Twitter:
Hey, DP! I was wondering what your thoughts are on you being in the new Hulk Vs. Wolverine show?
Well, my phantasmic friend, I gotta say, not only am I super-psyched to *finally* be featured in animation as more than a second’s hallucination in ol’ Wolvie’s mind, but I’m also completely, totally, over-the-topally in love with th’ dude who did my voice-overs. Fer serious: Nolan North, I’m gonna hunt you down an’ buy you flowers an’ propose a lifelong business arrangement in which you do my voice-overs fer all my future animations (unless, a’course, *I’m* not too busy ta do ‘em). An’ then I’m gonna kidnap ya and run off ta Doctor Strange’s lair so’s he can work his crazy magic an’ send us back in time so’s you can do my voiceovers from Marvel Ultimate Alliance I, too. ‘Cause I don’t care how long I lived in San Francisco, I never sounded like a Californ-eye-aye surfer dude.
Oh, an’ as fer my actual screen time in the movie? I gotta say, animated me ROCKS. An’ should totally get a whole animated show of which he (I?) is (am? Man, this is so confusin’) th’ star.
Raise yer hand if you agree with me on this one. Yes? Good! ‘Cause at some comics convention ‘er another, the dude who worked on the Hulk DVD actually said that if enough fans wrote in ta say they wanted ta see more animated me, it might work! So why don’t ya all get out yer pencils (‘cause I know you’re kickin’ it old school) an’ write ta:
Marvel Studios
9242 Beverly Boulevard
Suite 350
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
To tell ‘em you think I should get my own animated movie!
An’ one more fer today. lady_of_mists writes:
Dear Deadpool:
A certain lovely, possibly a low level psionic being is temporarily out of work. At her previous job, she was paid a decent living wage. Now she is not making enough money to pay for Important Things in life — like Deadpool comics, movie tickets, Wii game systems, trips to England to stalk superheroes, or even brand name cookies. Should the certain LPALLPB take a job (if offered) which would pay much less than the job that she had before, but more than unemployment — or should she hold out for only the best of jobs as would suit her stature?
All the best! Lady_of_Mists
Well well, m’lady, we meet again. An’ as always, I got the perfect answer ta yer challengin’ question: there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING more important than bein’ able ta afford Deadpool comics. You do what you gotta do, little missy, ta get yer hands on those. Beg, borrow, steal, or take a job you ain’t too fond of, but don’t miss out on what makes life worth livin’. I mean it!
P.S. Also, eatin’, payin’ tha bills, an’ yes, Wii game systems are very, very important. So do what ya gotta do fer those, too, at least until somethin’ better comes along. Which it will. I mean, hell, I can’t even tell ya ‘bout some’a the crappy jobs *I* did while I was waiting (years. YEARS, I tell you) fer my character ta get bigger’n Ye Old Hairy Canadian Claw Master, but hey, it’s finally happened – I’ve hit the JACKPOT, baby; an’ you will too. Swear.
An’ that’s all I got time for today, folks. So until next time, keep ‘em pointy an’ polished!
askdeadpool 