Hey hey, my feisty little tomatoes! How’re ya hangin? (Haha, tomato jokes. I love ’em!)
I’m just stoppin’ by th’ office ta pick up a new pair’a boots (you don’t even wanna know what nasty stuff I had ta tromp through ta retrieve th’ intel I needed ta “obtain” fer my last employer). But since I’m here, figured I oughta stop in an’ post a lil somethin’.
So ya know those journals where people just post a buncha random Twitter junk insteada entries an’ think it amounts ta fascinating storytellin’? You know what I mean. Like:
Look what I posted on Twitter today!
ha i fell aslepp again what is up with that
yesterday i ate a snadwich it was good
i don’t really like lettuce though wat do you think?
my cat fell off the bed i am so bored
isn’t twitter awesome i wish more people actually read this
i wonder if i should brush my teeth what do u think? nah.
Yeah, I hate ’em too. But, ya know, every now-an-then ya just gotta immortalize great moments in Twitter hist’ry, an’ the first ever time I had a party that some’a you feebs
crashed came to definitely counts.
It all started with foresthouse. (It’s always her fault.) I mean, I know bein’ my Number One Fan is a big responsibility an’ stuff, but really:
foresthouse: am too tired to do Deadpool Week today guys sorry I love you and Deadpool but brain is melting and eyes are unfocused and hey I need sleep.
A’course I hadda give ‘er a hard time:
Ask_Deadpool: @foresthouse Am totally offended at yer lack of dedication to my superstar self. …Nah, kiddin’. Yer still my favorite. Wanna beer?
foresthouse: @Ask_Deadpool You know I don’t drink beer. I’m prissy like that. Got any good white wine? I bet Sandi left some at your place last week.
Ask_Deadpool: @foresthouse Oh, hey, yeah she did. Huh. Awright, you can have it if ya want. She’ll ferget anyway. But if you come, we’re so watchin’ Bea.
foresthouse: @Ask_Deadpool Golden Girls-era Bea? I’m in the mood for some Dorothy right about now. And some cookies. Got any cookies?
Ask_Deadpool: @foresthouse Nah, none a’that. You c’n pick some up on the way over, though. I promise I won’t eat ’em all like last time. Swear.
foresthouse: @Ask_Deadpool OK, if you promise. And NO TOUCHING. I’ll be over in a few. And it’d better be CLEAN up in there. Pig.
Ask_Deadpool: Damn. Have to go clean now for prissy female. Think she’ll notice if I just shove a buncha stuff in the corner? Damn.
Ask_Deadpool: Anyone got an Indian throw? I heard if ya throw them over piles a’stuff people won’t notice there’s mess underneath…
Ask_Deadpool: Ah, screw it. I’ll just toss it all out the back window. She’ll never know.
A’course instead of cleaning much I was messin’ around online:
Ask_Deadpool: What the hell, why are there like 300 of me online? Kids, this is the real me, yo. Fer serious.
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool You’re the only one for me hurr hurr
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Damn straight, baby! But I mean there’s like, at least 4 other ‘Pool pretenders on Twitter. What’s that all about??
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool OBVIOUSLY ANOTHER T-RAY PLOT. THIS CALLS FOR ALCOHOL Y/Y
(PLS NOTE: HEY_FREY IS AN INSTIGATOR OF DRUNKEN PARTIES.)
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey You are so right. Damn T-Ray. Also: Y. You wanna come over an’ drink with me an’@foresthouse? We gots beer and wine.
(SEE I TOLD YOU.)
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey An’ she said she’s bringin’ cookies, too.
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool OMG bb I will bring the mixtapes I made of you. I goddamn love cookies.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Mixtapes OF me? I’m on a tape now? Who knew??
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool Oh YOU- mixtapes made FOR you I guess. Along with a scarf so your neck won’t get chilly.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Works for me. I like presents. Lots an’ lots of presents!
An’ then I..er…ok, I guess I did sorta invite you mooks over, huh? Well, hey, I’d already cleaned the place…a little. So why not?
Ask_Deadpool: Maybe we should get a party goin’ up in here. Everybody’s gotta bring somethin’ though. Like that game that goes by alphabet letter.
Ask_Deadpool: I’m bringin’ ants. Fire ants. Anyone bringin’ something with a B?
mellzers: @Ask_Deadpool I’ll bring boa constrictors, taking b AND c, because I’m that good.
Ask_Deadpool: @mellzers DAY-UM. Kinky. Hey, wait. Is this Britney Spears?
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool In return I expect nudes. NOTHINGS FREE PAL.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Who you expecting ta be nude, huh? We better be talkin’ females, here. Or – wait, are YOU a female? Then I’ll get freaky with ya.
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool I’m actually your mother.
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool SURPRISE IT’S HOUSE OF M AGAIN!
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey OH CRAP. This is gonna take awhile. Where’s the potty?
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool It’s alright, long enough for me to take advantage of you HOOO-RAH.
mellzers: @Ask_Deadpool Nope, never shaved my head. I’ve sung If U Seek Amy before though, much to my shame.
Ask_Deadpool: @mellzers Ain’t no shame in askin’ people to… nevermind.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Now that’s just twisted, yo.
Ask_Deadpool: Dude, Britney Spears’ fanclub just retweeted me. Hey, are they coming to the party too? They’d better bring somethin’ startin’ with “D”.
Ask_Deadpool: An’ it better not be toxic.
mellzers: @Ask_Deadpool Surely you’re not insinuating that there’s a hidden message to that song. I thought people were looking for a girl named Amy.
Ask_Deadpool: @mellzers Yeah, an’ ain’t we all lookin’ fer that? Heh.
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool Oh sugar, it’s only twisted if one of your clones show up. Then we just need more space.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Hey, that reminds me. I should get Agent X ta bring over the Twister mat. He can’t play though, ’cause if he falls everyone dies.
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool But Outlaw said he lost weight! MY GOD cut the man some SLACK! He’s carrying enough already.
Ask_Deadpool: @foresthouse just got here. She says why are there strange people in my apartment. I told her I couldn’t stop y’all from coming. Back me up.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Whatever, yo. 14 pounds or some such. You can’t even tell. An’ I saw him sneak a Twinkie yesterday.
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool I saw you topless, getting a bit chunky monkey yourself princess. Tell @foresthouse to put on her hot pants.
Ask_Deadpool: @foresthouse wants ta know why we got a Britney Spears fanclub in the bathroom. An’ a boa constrictor. I told her the fire ants were hungry.
mellzers: @Ask_Deadpool Are you inviting Taskmaster to the party? Because I heard that he can make radish roses.
Ask_Deadpool: @mellzers Tasky can come if he wants. He knows where I am. Watches my cable all the time. If he’s bringin’ radish roses he’s gotta come later.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Hey hey now, no personal attacks here, or my attacks’ll get personal too, an’ I got lotsa ordnance.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Kiddin’. But were you spyin’ on me again? when I was all naked and things? Some people frown on that.
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool I’ll love you no matter how blubbery or limbs you lose! Even if your head falls off.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Think my head’s fixed on ok now. Had Sandi test it th’other day. She pulled my ear. Head didn’t fall off. An’ then she bit my ear.
YouTubeDeadpool: @Ask_Deadpool are you on E? I’ll bring the Edible Endangered Elephant Ears.
Ask_Deadpool: @YouTubeDeadpool Sweet! We’ll just pretend there ain’t no D in the alphabet. Oh! @foresthouse brought date cookies. good enough fer me.
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool I just HAPPENED to have cameras set up. God, lock your front door more often.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey That was Outlaw’s fault. She fergot her holsters in here th’other day an’ had ta break in while I was out. Forgot ta fix the lock.
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool WHAT ABOUT BLACK WIDOW II?! You are such a player!
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey What? Me an’ Outlaw were just engagin’ in a bit of target practice, ya know what I mean?
hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool Until Yelena shows up and target practices your butt.
Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Eh, I ain’t worried. I’m a better shot. Don’t tell ‘er I said that, though.
Ask_Deadpool: Bob just showed up with a forensic fruit salad. Typical. But hey! That means we’re on G. Oh, an’ Bob says hi.
Ask_Deadpool: Ah, crap. Tasky showed up after all. But hey! He brought gorditas. Oh, an’ he says why the hell am I on a computer at my own party.
Ask_Deadpool: Guess I’ll sign off then an’ go be the life a’the party, as always.
Ask_Deadpool: Everybody come on over. But remember ta bring stuff. I think we’re up to H. CIAO.
mellzers: @Ask_Deadpool And obviously you brought H for humility. 😉
deadpool96: @Ask_Deadpool id prefer two things starting with T!
CrazyInez: @Ask_Deadpool I could bring somethin’ with a B! ……An’ get yer mind outta the gutter… Bullets, of course.
pensive1: @Ask_Deadpool what letter are you on now? I have a can o’ Pringles but don’t wanna wait outside the door.
Ask_Deadpool: @pensive1 I did let you in, didn’t I? Can’t remember. Those elephant tranquilizers mess me up fer a good few minutes.
Ask_Deadpool: @pensive1 Oh, wait. I remember the Pringles. You musta been there. WHEW!
pensive1: @Ask_Deadpool Twister is so much more interesting with coffee can lids that slide around… heh heh… ow…
Ask_Deadpool: @pensive1 Oh, that was you? Hah. Well, at least you got an introduction out of it. I saw that guy bandaging your elbow…
Ask_Deadpool: @CrazyInez Thanks fer bringin’ the bullets. Although I only let ya win the target-shootin’ contest ’cause yer a girl.
CrazyInez: @Ask_Deadpool You LET me win? I dun think so, cowboy. I can take you, ya know!
Ask_Deadpool: @CrazyInez Can’t believe ya actually shot Alex’s finger off, though. Cruel, you are.
CrazyInez: @Ask_Deadpool Well, let’s just say I haven’t forgotten about him and his cheatin’ ways…
addygryff: @Ask_Deadpool Em and my favourite merc throw a party and I’m off sleeping in a corner somewhere. figures. I woulda brought the Zirconia ;(
Ask_Deadpool: @addygryff Aw, man. I was wonderin’ where ya were. Well, next time I’ll get Sandi ta send out proper invites. Promise!
Ask_Deadpool: @addygryff I’m thinkin’ next time it’ll be a BYOO – “Bring Yer Own Ordnance” – an we can have some killer drunk fights. With bets.
Ask_Deadpool: @addygryff PS. Em said this mornin’ her head hurts like *anythin* Serves her right fer drinkin’ all them screwdrivers with no healin’ factor
A’course, a lotta what happened ain’t immortalized on Twitter. So, to sum up: hey_frey played DJ, the fire ants ate the Britney Spears fanclub, the boa constrictor ate the fire ants, pensive1 hurt her elbow but met a guy who later turned out ta be Maverick usin’ my image inducer (an’ then he BROKE IT) ta pick up chicks, foresthouse danced on the table after drinkin’ all them screwdrivers, CrazyInez was hittin’ on YouTubeDeadpool but found out he’s married an’ got annoyed an’ shot a hole through Alex‘s ear, Tasky likes tabledancers and was followin’ foresthouse around all night, mellzers did a REAL GOOD rendition of “Womanizer,” deadpool96 leered suggestively at pensive1 until Maverick-in-disguise clocked ‘im in the head during Twister, an’ Bob mostly stayed behind th’ couch ’cause he’s a weenie. Oh. An’ it turned out hey_frey isn’t really my mother. Yeah, it was one helluva party!
Hey, ya know what else counts as Twitter stuff that’s *gotta* be recorded? The Legends of Ryan Reynolds, a glorious byproduct of #ryanreynolds / #deadpool week. An’ that reminds me, if ya don’t know already, I’ve declared this week on Twitter ta be “#ryanreynolds / #deadpool week” just ‘CAUSE I CAN. So ev’ry day, everybody tweet somethin’ with #ryanreynolds and #deadpool in it. Don’t care what it is! Just make somethin’ up if ya have to. Or help add ta our list of Completely True and Accurate Facts about Ryan Reynolds, also known as:
The Legends of Ryan Reynolds
#1: Ask_Deadpool – Ya know, I was watchin’ that pizza place show yestaday, an’ I think #ryanreynolds really *is* 10 ft tall (#deadpool)
#2: foresthouse – #ryanreynolds owns every issue of #deadpool ever in mint condition and special gold-plated bags & boards. TRUFAX.
#3: foresthouse – #ryanreynolds also owns every issue #deadpool appears in besides the main runs – but they’re only in silver-plated bags.
#4: foresthouse – Thanks to rigorous training for that one show, #ryanreynolds can slice a pizza into 8 perfect pieces in midair. #deadpool approves.
#5: foresthouse – #ryanreynolds no longer eats any sort of eclairs, ever. You don’t want to know why. Even #deadpool doesn’t want to know why.
#6: Blazefire33 – #ryanreynolds married Black Widow and was engaged to God. look it up 😉
#7: Blazefire33 – #ryanreynolds also owned a pizza place with a guy and a girl cause he’s cool like that
#8: Blazefire33 – #ryanreynolds paid himself and Hugh Jackman to re-enact wolverine and #deadpool fighting, and won with one kick
#9: foresthouse – #ryanreynolds took out the entire female audience of Ellen with one katana trick. (#deadpool took out an entire army, though.)
#10: foresthouse – #deadpool just told me that of any actor, #ryanreynolds is his favorite pick to play him. And that he’s actually 11 feet tall.
#11: foresthouse – On a horse made of crystal #ryanreynolds patrols the land, with #deadpool, two katanas, and his perfect hands…
#12: foresthouse – George Washington predicted #ryanreynolds birth in 76 and wrote “I am vastly jealous of this amazing being who shall play #deadpool”
#13: Ask_Deadpool – #deadpool ‘s dad was an army general who could kick yer ass. #ryanreynolds dad was a Canadian mountie who’s HORSE could kick yer ass
#14: Ask_Deadpool – The existence of #ryanreynolds & #deadpool spontaneously caused the acronym BAMF to come into being. (see http://tinyurl.com/65y72u)
#15: Blazefire33 If you say #ryanreynolds 5 times in a row #deadpool sneaks into your room at night and watches you sleep
#16: Blazefire33 – #ryanreynolds does special role playing with Scarlett called #deadpool and the girl who gets rocked by #deadpool
#17: Blazefire33 – When #ryanreynolds was a baby, #deadpool picked him out of all the kids in the hospital to one day portray him in a movie.
#18: foresthouse – #deadpool and #ryanreynolds know EVERYTHING: like how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop
#19: foresthouse – Death waits for no man, unless that man is #deadpool. Or #ryanreynolds. She digs them both, ’cause they’re hot stuff.
#20: foresthouse – #ryanreynolds & #deadpool are the only two people in the world who know how to have their cake & eat it too.
#21: foresthouse – #ryanreynolds doesn’t kill people; #deadpool kills people. #ryanreynolds knows the benefits of plausible deniability.
#22: Blazefire33 – #deadpool wanted to get #ryanreynolds a b-day gift he could play with everyday, so he introduced him to Scarlett Jo
#23: inlaterdays – #ryanreynolds can count to infinity and the result is #deadpool
#24: Blazefire33 – #ryanreynolds took #deadpool to see Transformers 2, they’re now on a mission to kill Michael Bay and get their money back
#25: foresthouse – #deadpool *personally* taught #ryanreynolds how to slice bullets in half. Now they do it whenever they get bored.
#26: foresthouse – #ryanreynolds is the only human who fought with Deadpool and lived to tell about it. They were only fighting over the remote, though.
#27: foresthouse – #ryanreynolds and #deadpool teamed up and beat EVERYBODY who fought in The Ultimate Showdown. They won and went out for ice cream.
#28: foresthouse – #ryanreynolds & #deadpool once did a stand-up show together. The audience died of laughter. #ryanreynolds brought them back to life.
#29: foresthouse – #ryanreynolds and #deadpool met Deathstroke once. They made him carry their bags, and only tipped him a quarter. He thanked them.
#30: foresthouse – The appearance of #ryanreynolds and #deadpool in any crowd of females causes spontaneous ovulation.
#31: foresthouse – #deadpool once defeated Wolverine by puncturing his lungs. #ryanreynolds once slayed Wolverine with a glance.
An’ now…I gotta go see what Sandi did with my spare mask. No rest fer the poor mercenary! So until next time, keep ’em primed an’ prepped!