Holy horny toads in a hot bayou, my fearsome followers! I am just about the slowest typist this side of Louisiana, ain’t I? Ah well, quit’cher complainin’, ’cause I just got paid fer a sneaky little recon job me an’ Outlaw pulled, so now I can take a few minutes to sit back, relax with some of Bob’s Icy Death Lemonade (Now! With Arctic Poison Ice!*), and answer some a’ your ingenious questions. Please, please – try to contain your excitement.
OK, then…lookin’ through the pile a’junk Sandi handed me on my way in…Ah! Here’s one that’s been festerin’ in the mail heap for awhile:
Greetings, o purveyor of awesometudeness. I bring you numbered questions, and true brain strainers they are, too.
1) What’s up with the feebs at Marvel’s website making it so dang hard to subscribe to your new series?
2) What’s up with Outlaw chasing that closet case boyfriend-Fabio lookalike contest reject instead of basking in the glow of the mighty Deadpool?
3) Where the hell are my pants?
Oh, numbered questions, let me count the ways I adore you! But first, let me answer you!
1. First things first: anyone else here see the irony a’ the Doc askin’ me what’s up? Yeah, I thought so. Now then, Doc, there’s a very simple explanation here, and it goes somethin’ like this: see, whenever Marvel prints an issue of my comic, the editors look at it, all shiny and pretty and new, and decide that you feebs don’t deserve such a wondrous piece of artistry. They decide they want t’keep ’em all! (You know the mooks who work in comics are the biggest geeky collectors of them all, after all.) So they go an’ sabotage the online subscription sign-up and order list, and then they lock all the issues up in The Special Vault. An’ then the accountants start crunchin’ numbers (as they do) and go on an’ on about pesky little things like “cost of supplies” and “overhead” and “profits” and what-all, and the editors cry and pout, an’ then the accountants haveta go down the hall and get Fred.
Fred’s a little slow, but he’s a big dude that don’t ask fer much pay, so they keep ‘im around for this stuff. So Fred goes and pries the new issues away from the editors, and beats up whichever one of them sabotaged the order list this week, an’ everything gets straightened out. But see, Doc, this whole song an’ dance happens every single issue, an’ it kinda slows things down. So that’s why it’s so hard to receive issues of my awesome comic on time. It’s because they’re SO AWESOME.
See? Wasn’t that a simple explanation?
2. You know, I’d say it’s gotta be the hair. I mean, we all know I’m one in a million and three, here, but Outlaw’s got this thing about pretty blonde hair, an’ I ain’t bin sportin’ that for a long while (X-Force #56, anyone?). So I prob’ly wouldn’t be much use on a trip t’the mall an’ the hair salon, plus last time we went I may have accidentally, y’know, inadvertently caused some murder an’ mayhem, and Outlaw hates it when things get between her and her sale items. Anyway, her la-di-da relationship with WB doesn’t really phase me. Whatever barbeques her ribs is cool with me, ’cause I got my eye on a different gal. But I do wish Thor wasn’t so goshdarned whiny.
3. In yer back pocket, a’course! I can’t believe ya didn’t check there already!
Now then, since I’m on a roll, here…
I have a few questions for you!
1. Do you still have feelings for Siryn?
2. Are you even more embarrassed about being cursed with the face of Thom Cruz [after being cursed by Thanos for trying to hook up with Death] now that he’s gone crazy and is into Scientology?
3. On average, how much do you think you spend on Taco Bell?
4. Would you ever consider Jack In The Box tacos?
Thanks for taking the time to read my questions!
Ah, my precious little Ninjette, your numbered questions have stealthily stolen into my heart and nestled there, right alongside my eXtreme love of delayed-detonation hand grenades. And now, to answers!
1. Well, I know th’ mooks who run this LiveJournal carnival tend to frown on explicit written pornography, so in th’ interest of not rainin’ on their funnel cake stand, I’ll skip over how much seein’ Red spins my carousel, an’ just say that I’ll always have a little soft spot in my heart for th’ stunning songstress – prob’ly the spot right next to my love of sharp shiny things.
2. Man, I was embarrassed enough before anyone went around jumpin’ on couches and grinnin’ like a monkey on speed all the time. Lemme just say, no matter how much I may have looked like the dude, I never got so excited talking to people about my belief in aliens an’ explodin’ volcanoes or whatever that I looked like I was gonna spit a lung up at them. AND that I would rather be cursed with immortality than that face. Whew, what a narrow escape THAT was!
3. Ahh, who’s to say? Sandi got me an expense account there. She said it took some doin’ – apparently no one else in th’ known world had ever asked fer one. But then, I always knew I was special.
4. Are they free? Free for me? THEN HELL YES.
Anytime, baby. Now ninja on outta here and bring me a taco!
OK, one more before I go see if Agent Orca has left a single snack in the kitchen t’day.
…Well, I’m glad to hear that you still would want to team up with Nate after all that. Seriously, you guys are just awesome together. *fangirls*
But anyway, questions!
1. If you could get some kinda super tricked-out crimefi-I mean merc-work vehicle, what would it be? And what sort of features would it have?
2. What do you superhero/villian types normally wear under your costumes? Do any of them, you know, go commando? (Or just wear a little red thong like Tony Stark?)
3. Could you possibly find some way to jump into another comic book universe? If so, can you punch this guy in the face for me?-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adrian_Veidt
Because he really needs to be punched in the face.
I’ll pay you in cookies. Or brownies, or cupcakes. Some type of baked goods. Please?
Ooh, numbered questions from the Monster of Spam! Shouldn’t they all be asking me if I want to expand my mojo with the little blue pills an’ things? Huh. Guess not. Ok, here we go!
1. You know those giant hamster balls? The ones where you can go rollin’ down hills an’ over th’ water an’ stuff? Well, I’m not sayin’ that would be my transportation a’choice, but it’s definitely gotta be a feature. Collapse one a’those down and pack it in the side compartment for the easy jobs, ya know? Because, I mean, what else strikes fear inta th’heart of whatever mafia goons you’re about ta knock off like a Giant Hamster Ball A’ Doom barrelin’ straight for them? Gets ’em every time, I tell ya, right about when I roll on over their heads. Other features, other features…OOH. Well, a smoothie machine, fer sure. Sometimes a brain freeze is just what my bubblin’ brain-pan needs. And a’course, some of us are easily distracted, so I guess I’d have ta heist one of Mr. Iron Man Stark’s little smart robots to rig up somewhere so it could hand me my smoothies and take the ladies’ phone numbers when I slow down at red lights and all that. An’ naturally I’d have some, y’know, homing missiles, spike-producin’ tires, crazy spy GPS tech, an’ pretty much everything else you’ve ever seen in a Bond movie.
But where would all this custom gear fit, you ask me? No contest! In a tricked out, souped up Ducati Superbike 1198 S, a’course. Don’t think I could fit it all in there? ‘Chya! A’course I could. Look at how much Tony fits in one little suit a’armor and tell me I couldn’t do even better with a Ducati! Not to mention their gear comes in my colors.
2. OK, now see, I don’t go around spyin’ on the other supercool peeps in their skivvies unless they happen t’be, y’know, women. So I can’t say one way or th’ other what Tony wears under that suit. An’ there are some things us superheroes (like me!) are totally sworn to secrecy on, like how Emma Frost manages to keep her top from falling down all the time (but oooh, wouldn’t you fanboys love to know how I found that one out). I will say, though, that those of us who wear spandex have a much easier time of it if we forget our briefs than kids like Tony. OUCH! An’ then you got crazy bastards like The Thing, who pretty much wanders around in his boxers all day without anyone sayin’ a word, even if he does look like magnified sandpaper. So pretty much what I’m sayin’ is it depends a whole lot on who we’re talkin’ about. Me, I get by with just about anything I can find that’s sorta clean at the moment, which usually means something with little Deadpool symbols on it, although I’m not above wearin’ the green panties if Bob hasn’t finished the laundry yet. I look pretty darned good in green. Yellow, too!
3. OK, I tell you what – if I ever get out of the crossover story I’m stuck in right now, I’ll take a little detour downtown to Veidt’s place and knock his lights out for ya. And you know? I’ll even do it for free. ‘Cause MAN, what a tool that dude is.
I won’t turn down baked goods if they’re offered, though.
P.S. Yes, to answer your other question, Nate *is* part pirate, thanks to his pirate captain granddaddy’s shenanigans (although I’m not sure his granddaddy was the sharpest splinter in the tinderbox. Who builds a plane out of wood these days?). In fact, one of his middle names I always forget t’list is “Yaarrrrrr.” I think it’s somewhere between “Christopher” and “Dayspring,” but who can remember? Anywho, I got him an eyepatch for his glowy-eye one Christmas, ’cause it was totally keeping me awake at night, but he refused to wear it unless I saluted him and called him “Yaarrrrrr.” He’s very respectful of his heritage. What a dork.
An’ that’s it for today, my friendly amigos. Bob’s cookin’ up some South a’the Border specialties fer dinner, and I don’t want to be late. You know how I love me some Mexican food.
So until next time, keep ’em revved and ready! (And I’m referring here to my elite fleet of Ducati motorcycles. You know, the ones I assume you all are buying for me as we speak. You haven’t started signin’ the papers yet? WELL GET TO IT. I accept both red and black paint jobs. Thank you.)
* Sandi would like to remind us all that Artic Poison Ice, while not harmful to regenerative wonders like me, is actually a serious matter that we should be trying to stop, even if it does leave Bob with less fun ingredients to experiment with. So recycle and save energy and and help stop global warming and all that jazz! Sandi thanks you.