Chillin’ like a villain after a long hard day of killin’

Hey there, my charismatic chiquitas! How’s it hangin’? Just got time for a quick couple of questions while I wait for the dryer to buzz.

I’m typin’ from home this time, ‘cause we finally got enough money from the eyeball job that Sandi said I could go home for the night. I think it might be the first night in twelve days I’ve actually gotten back to that comfortable ass-groove in the couch. Man, I missed my couch. Hello, couch!

Oh. Anyway. Let’s pull out a letter or two, shall we? Here we go…

chrryblssmninja wonders:

Dear ‘Poolster:

What was your pre-chilla life like?

Huh. Well, my petite cherry blossom, not entirely sure what you mean there. I mean, I’ve always been chilla than the next dude, so it’s not really like I had a life pre-chilla. But maybe you mean in those days before I became the amazing, astonishing merc-for-hire that I am today? I guess you could say back then my life was…not nearly as much fun as it is now, that’s for sure! But maybe that’s not what you meant, either. I guess maybe it’s time to try out my Google-fu!

Hmmm…lessee…Google says:

Chilla-nashini (severe trial: also spelled Chelaa-nashini) is the spiritual practice, known mostly in Indian and Persian folklore, of remaining seated in a circle without food, water, or sleep for forty days and nights.

Haha. Well that can’t be what you meant. I mean, what kind of a fool would sit around in a circle and do nothing for that long? I hope you’re at least allowed to talk sometimes. Man, that’d be so boring if you couldn’t even talk.


Oh, here’s something. I see “chilla” is a nickname for “chinchilla.” Now, how in the hell did you know that Sandi just got one of those things? Are you stalking the Agency?? (O_<) You’d better watch out, or you’re gonna start freakin’ me out, here. Anyway, if THAT’S what you meant, the answer is: much less cute. I mean, I’m not much of a sucker for little furry things, but damn that puffball is irrisistable. The very first time she made me pet it it tried to lick my finger, and I have to admit, now I bring it raisins and call it my little Cottonball. And I haven’t even tried to stab it yet. Just don’t tell any of the bad guys this, ‘kay? It’s not good for my image.

P.S. I don’t know why she named it Rogue. Chindis the Killa Chinchilla would have been a much better name. Especially with those little red eyes the furball has. But Sandi never listens to me. Also she’s got a major lesbian crush on that X-chick.

So, what else have we got here? Oh, here we are:

amejisuto says:

Dear Deadpool,

Who’s your favorite Buffy character? And I mean the character, not your
favorite set of tits.



Ooh, this one’s easy-peasy-puddin-and-pie. That’d be Willow, baby. She’s clearly better than all the other feebs on the show. I mean:

a) she’s got red hair, which is spicy-hot-hot-hot;

b) she dated a werewolf for awhile, so I figure even a guy who looks like me might have a shot; and

c) she gets it on with chicks, and she’s kinda kinky, so if I asked real nice, she might let me watch.

In a word: ZING!

P.S. How dare you imply I’m so shallow that I’m just admirin’ the melons? I am so very offended!

P.P.S. And speaking of melons, helloooo, witch! That would be reason (d) why Willow’s the best!

OK, one more for the night:

Dear Deadpool;

I’m a big, big fan, and I love your style, but I have to ask: are you gay? My friend gestalt1 says you’re “totally gay for Cable. TOTALLY!” and I want to know if it’s true. I mean, Cable’s got a chiseled profile and all, and I dig the glowing eye, but really, man, that’s just LAME. And now he’s traipsing around with a baby and stuff, and that’s kinda wussy, and I just had to ask. Say it ain’t so, man!

Derek Boterry
Monte Sereno, CA

P.S. Is this you? I know you’ve dressed up as a girl before. I thought maybe it was you in drag again.

Derek; you know, I’ve never been to Monte Sereno, but I’ve heard it’s a nice place to visit for a day. Maybe I’ll come out your way sometime. I bet you’d LOVE to see my katanas all up close and personal. They’re really sharp.

But to answer your question: I thought we covered this already! Damn. I don’t know where these rumors even come from! Really. I mean, you live with a mutant Jesus that everyone is in love with on a remote island for a few months or so and all of a sudden people think you’re the new Odd Couple or something. Like I could help that we always went everywhere together and stuff. That was the fault of science, man, not my choice. Well, science and Cable swallowing me, but–wait–that didn’t–you know, the short answer is NO. In all caps, dude. I dig the chicks. And my fantasies in no way involve WD-40. I don’t know who started that one, but just GET IT OFF THE INTERNET, FEEBS. I am a 100%. Straight. MAN.

Ooh, I gotta go now. The dryer just buzzed and my new green panties are dry! See ya!

14 Comments to “Chillin’ like a villain after a long hard day of killin’”

  1. Chindis the Killa Chinchilla, would have been the best name ever. Also, that’s a really interesting link… and now I’ve got the mental image of these Chindi spirits attaching themselves to people as tiny little balls of fluff and cuteness. ❤
    Much yay for Chinchillas!
    You know, chicks dig tiny little balls of fluff and cuteness.

    • Well, our tiny little ball of fluff and cuteness sure has the spirit of SOME devil in it! Yesterday I stopped by the agency and it was loose and bouncing off the walls, and the wooden doorframe to Agent X’s office was completely gone. On the plus side, the wood splinters the little critter left are just the right size for toothpicks!
      Do they dig tiny balls of fluff and cuteness more than awesome buff merc-types? Hm. Maybe I’ll ask Sandi if I can take that thing for a stroll in the park…
      P.S. NICE ICON.

      • That is.. really impressive, actually. Maybe you should try to train it and then take it on missions with you, it could surely be helpful.
        Well, no. Nothing quite beats the merc charm, but it sure would be a bit of a bonus, me thinks.
        Why, thank you. ;P

      • Yeah, I thought about it, but that thing poops like a Pez dispenser on a swing-hinge. Every couple of minutes, it’s poop poop poop. It’s not real messy or nothing, but having a little Poop Machine ridin’ around on my shoulder when I go to take some schmoe out probably isn’t gonna do anything for my image.

  2. Wow. I would have thought Faith, what with the leather and the Want, Take, Have attitude. Then again she’d probably remind you too much of Typhoid or one of the other pains in your ass. Willow would be a good match for you, especially since you like redheads.
    Oh, and the whole You/Cable thing, is the fact that us girls are just as big of pervs as you guys are. While you might daydream of two girls having a sleepover and loosing their inhibitions, we like to think about two guys.
    Don’t worry, we wonder about Cap and Iron Man too, UST could have been the main cause of that whole Civil War thing. And Daredevil and Spider-man are both agile and very bendy … that would be fun to watch! ~leers~

    • Don’t get me wrong, Faith’s as hot as they come, but MAN, am I tired of dealin’ with head-trippy women. Just give me a nice flip-floppin’ lesbian witch – surely that’d be less trouble?
      Y’know, I gotta say I just take the attitude of my main man Wentworth Miller (Prison Break Season 4, hurry yo’ ass on out here!) – people wanna wonder, let them wonder. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of me scorin’ some feminine a$%!
      Oh, there’s no question about Cap and Iron Man, darlin’. And I wouldn’t call their ST unresolved. But you didn’t hear it from ME. Daredevil and Spider-man, though? Nadda there – Spider-man can’t stop looking at MJ long enough to cross the street, let alone do the nasty with a horny man.

    • P.S. I had to look up “UST.” Man, you fanficcers abbreviate everything, don’t you?

      • Pretty much. LOL We also make up names for our favorite ships … which gets really weird when you go back to the old days, before computers and people were sharing fan fiction at sci-fi and comic conventions. Because Kirk/Spock almost always ends up as Kock.
        Well, it does if you have a pervy mind.
        New question for you dude …
        Dear Deadpool,
        Who are the top five bad guys you’d like to smash their face in. Any bad guys, or girls, RL, Marvel, DC and otherwise.
        Later dayz!

      • Cool beans! Thanks man.

  3. Dear Deadpool
    1) I’m aspiring to be a mad scientist and I’d like your input on what you think my first evil deed should be? I know world domination is the goal you’re supposed to aim for but I thought I should start with something a bit more low key and get some practice first. Any ideas?
    2) Further to the above, would you be amenable to being kidnapped and subject to perverse sexual tortures in the name of science?I’m free all week.
    3) You spend a lot of time defending your heterosexuality, but if you had to have sex with a man, any man, who would it be?
    4) Have you ever been to Australia? You really should come down here sometime, we could use the excitement.

  4. Dear Deadpool,
    01. Will you marry me?
    02. What do you think when I say Deadpool for president?

  5. thanks for the response.
    and Chindis the Killa Chinchilla is a fantastic name.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s