Blood on the rug, and the livin’ is eeeeeasy…

Guess what, Deadpool junkies? It’s time for another Q&A! YAY!

I know you all want to know what’s been happening at the office, so first off I’ll tell you that Outlaw just dumped a guy in the middle of the reception room floor and yelled at him that she was going to wash up and he’d better not move until she came back. He’s bleeding on the carpet and stuff and Sandi’s having a fit. Even though we purposely got the bloodstain-colored carpeting for this very eventuality. (We’ve even got an industrial-strength washer and dryer in this place in case they bleed on the couch doilies.) I dunno what’s going on, but I think maybe that’s Outlaw’s new boyfriend.

So, LETTER TIME!

Dear Deadpool:

What’s up with you being on LiveJournal and all? Don’t you have anything better to do?

I’m bored,
Steve

Steve, Steve, STEVE. It’s time for a little story, which goes like this: MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS.

Oh. Um. Sorry. I just thought maybe you were implying I don’t have a life and stuff, but of course I do. It’s not like I just sit on the couch or at work flipping through channels in my DeadpoolTM boxers or nothin’. I got lots of better things to do.

On the other hand, sometimes in between kickin’ butt with Spider-man and openin’ up a can of whup-cha on Tasky, I do like to chill. And Sandi and Outlaw were all huddled up at the computer last week, giggling over some Ben Barney feeb from Narina or something, and they said they were reading about his boy band on some blog, and how everyone blogs these days, and then Sandi started getting on me about all the piles of junk in my office, and I figured maybe I could get rid of some by answering my mail. Online. So there it is.

And THEN it hit me that this would also be a better place for people to write in than the office, because Sandi can be really nasty with her doily-knitting needles when she wants things clean. So from now on:

SEND ALL QUESTIONS AND FAN MAIL TO THIS ADDRESS:

ask-deadpool @ livejournal.com

ANY QUESTIONS, ABOUT ANYTHING! AND I WILL ANSWER THEM! IT’LL BE FUN.

You can send hate mail too, but I’ll just make fun of it, and that’s probably not what you want.

P.S. I don’t know what’s up with this free-LiveJournal-accounts-mean-random-ads thing, but that ad that said “Customize your Zwinky” had me on the floor for about an hour. I don’t think he needs any customization, thanks. He’s awesome enough as it is.

Karen from Maryland writes:

Hey ‘Pool,

So, when are you two going to take the NEXT STEP?

Alright, I know what you’re implying, but let me tell YOU, you ain’t gonna find me in no Massachusetts courthouse anytime soon. (Man, I hate Fabian.) Now, if I could just figure out how to get that cute redhead with the Irish lilt to give me the time of day again, then I might be tempted to start evacuating the moths from the ol’ monkey suit. But when it comes to arrogant old men who have far too many big, gleaming muscles for their own good, it’s just never gonna happen. So you fangirls can just put down your inhalers and paper bags and take a deeeeep breath now. And that’s that.

Oh, and one more thing I think we oughta get straight (haha, straight. Oh, I kill myself). If it did happen, which it won’t, but you know, if it did; I sure as hell wouldn’t be the one in the dress! Not that I’ve thought about it or nothin’. But if I did, what I’d think is maybe something light blue and sleeveless in silk and chiffon. That’d go nice with his eyes.

…Did I say that out loud?

Um. Anyway, NEXT LETTER PLZTHX.

Dear Mr. Pool,

Numbered question time! Everyone does it in comics, and I wanna feel like one of the cool kids for once.

1) Which one do you prefer, Maude or The Golden Girls?
2) You know, recently I tried to explain Cable’s backstory to a friend of mine and failed miserably, could you perhaps help us out and explain it in a way even a pre-schooler would get? We’re stupid like that, and would really appreciate the help.
3) Talking about Cable, did he ever find that pair of yellow panties you nicked from Marvel-Girl? How did he react?
4) At the moment I’m busy making icons of pretty much everything in C&DP, I’ve got almost 200 already and am not even close to finished, that sort of makes me feel like a weird stalker-fan-person. Do you mind?
5) Have some Oreos. You like Oreos, don’t you? Otherwise have some cupcakes. You can have both, if you like.

Addy S. (addygryff)
NRW, Germany
Ooh, numbered questions! Goody! Just for that, you’re Number One cool kid in MY book, Miss Addy. (And invited for dinner, if you’re free…? I think Germans are SO HOT. I’ll even wash behind my ears and scrub my foot fungus and everything if you’ll dine with me!)

Oh, yeah. Questions. Lessee, here…

1) Oh, definitely The Golden Girls. I mean, Maude was cool and all, and she was all about the strong political statements, but when it really got right down to it, it was Dorothy who kicked more a$$. Seriously, between her and Sophia, they ruled the roost big-time and kept Blanche and Rose under their collective thumbs, AND managed to be funnier than two sex kittens tied by their tails out on the wash-line. And you can’t argue with that. Not to mention, Bea had better eyebrows when she was Dorothy.

Oh, and also I can’t stand Edith Bunker. Her voice would make a deaf-mute run for cover. So anyone related to her is automatically a Lesser Mortal.

2) So do you want me to get out the hand-puppets, then?

…Darn, where did I put that Cable puppet? Hmm…sock drawer, dirty boxers, um…

…Actually, I think I can do this one even without it. Yeah! I really can. OK, here we go:

    a. Cable’s real name is actually Nathan Christopher Gesundheit Charles Askani’son Summers Priscilla Geronimo Jackson Liefield-Nicieza.

    b. He’s half-flesh, half-techno-organic metal, and ALL man.

    c. His eye glows, and you REALLY don’t want to piss him off when that’s happening. Really.

    d. He can throw things around with his mind and also read your mind without even blinking one glowy eye. His favorite hobby is to take things apart and make them float around so they look like those diagrams you get from IKEA that show you how Slot A is supposed to fit into Slot B even though you’ve really only got two Slot Cs and the stupid TV table shouldn’t BE this complicated and…oh.

    e. He’s the son of Cyclops and Jean Grey’s clone Madelyne Pryor. Mister Sinister created him from their DNA to use as a weapon against Apocalypse, who’s this mutant who wants people to worship him as a god and is a real pain in the a$$. Apocalypse realizes Cable is a threat and infects him with a techno-organic virus that, ironically, a time-traveling adult Cable had infected Apocalypse with centuries before (no, really). Cable struggles with the disease, and Cyclops is told to send him into the future so he can be saved.

Baby!Cable arrives in the future and is cared for by the Askani (read: some weird name that means his half-sister Rachel and her followers, actually. I have no idea). She has him cloned because she is a doofus. Apocalypse comes and steals the clone and pets him and woos him and names him Squishie Stryfe, heir to the Throne of Apocalypse (which is basically the Throne of Trying To Conquer Things for No Reason Whatsoever, as far as I can tell). Cable, meanwhile, is reared by Cyclops and Jean or their minds in the future or some such thing I could never really follow. They are a woobie family until he is 14.

Woobie family leaves Cable right in those Difficult Teenage Years and he ends up fighting people and killing things and blowing stuff up a lot. It happens. Then he follows Stryfe into the past because he is a moron (runs in the family) and starts a mercenary group with The Lamest Name Ever, makes them all hate him, and starts another group called X-Force. That’s about when I meet him and try, repeatedly, to kill him. He mails me back to my boss by Federal Express and I HATE HIM. He leads a bunch of teenagers into Danger and Death numerous times, has a fling with Domino, and has a bunch of lame adventures no one really remembers. He has some Moments of Woobieness with his parents, defeats Stryfe at some point, travels around kicking merc butt on a global level, and then gets the BRILLIANT idea to be Mutant Jesus of the World.

He builds an island out of pieces of abandoned time-traveling space-ship (yes, really), invites all the cool kids to join him there in Being All Intellectual and Stuff, kicks me out just ‘cause I killed some terrorist dude, and starts riots in all the political offices by being better at their jobs than they are without even wiggling a toenail.

He tricks me into putting together this jigsaw thing that will lobotomize him, because it turns out he’s TOO POWERFUL OMG! and he’s going to burn out and stuff and why not go out with a bang? So I do it ‘cause he asks me to and WHAT DO I GET? Leper status for killing the Mutant Jesus. GEEZ. So then I have to go around trying to find something to fix his mutant comatose butt, and I DO, and everyone STILL hates me, and I can’t WIN, and it’s JUST NOT FAIR. And then he fights some Thing and turns into a baby on another world and I have to go find him because otherwise ad revenues will plummet and finally I do and he ages into his ol’ crabby self again and kinda fixes my memory in the process.

Then he chooses the totally wrong side during Civil War and I’ve got a badge and a license to ill but he’s all jealous so he makes me look bad and MAN, he always wants to be on top of me, doesn’t he? Just always has to be on top. Just once, JUST ONCE, I want to get on his ass, but noooooooo, that’s not allowed, is it? And…oh.

He joins the X-Men and does a bunch of stuff and ends up with a mutant baby and now he’s on the run changing diapers and sh*t while I get to start kicking Skrull butt in September. I rock.

Wait, you know what? Strike all that stuff I just wrote. Really, all you need to know is that the only time he’s interesting at all is when I’m in the scene, too. But if you copied and pasted all that other junk I wrote above in an email to your friend, he (or she) might just start to understand why Cable is so awesome has so many ISSUES.

3. We don’t talk about that.

4. NOT AT ALL. I’m all about the branding. Have a party. Share with the group. Link ‘em here! And while you’re at it, get on the job making that stuffed Deadpool doll everyone loves so much. Really. It needs to be done.

5. I only keep the Oreos around in case Rhino comes by again. Cupcakes are cool, though! Or ginger-snaps. I like them too. THANKS.

…Oh, and Outlaw’s shouting again. I’d better go see if anybody’s dead.

P.S. Don’t forget: ask questions here or at ask-deadpool @ livejournal.com. TELL YOUR FRIENDS.

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7 Comments to “Blood on the rug, and the livin’ is eeeeeasy…”

  1. First of all, thank you so much for your lovely, lovely answers.
    Of course I’d like to go out for dinner with you sometime, just gimme a call whenever you’re in the neighbourhood. I’m feeling so totally honoured, makes me feel all special and fuzzy inside when a guy is willing to clean himself up for me. ♥
    My friend (who is too shy/lazy to write an answer himself, that bugger) and I are very grateful that you took the time to explain Cable’s backstory to us, boy it’s even more weird than I had thought, but I think actually got it this time (not too sure about my friend.. but well *sighs*), so thank you very much.
    Also, I agree that you should totally get to nail Cable, I noticed that it always seems to be him who ends up on top, and I’d love to see it the other way round for once.
    Heh, I’ll link you to the icons as soon as I can be arsed to upload them, so probably with my next set of questions. (And do believe me, I’ve got, like, tons left. I’ll also force tell my friends to come up with some as well.
    EDIT: Oh, about the doll. I’m not much of a seamstress (*cough*), I rather knit to be honest, but I want a doll like that really badly (as does everyone..) so I might try to make one someday.
    Until next time,
    Addy

    • Well it is a date, little lady. Next time I’m in Germany I’ll call you up. Or appear upside down outside your window. Your choice – I’m flexible.
      Hey, anytime I can talk about how silly Cable’s life is, I’m glad to do it.
      Nail Cable? What, to the wall? Done that before! Nail guns are AWESOME! They go through fingers like butter.

  2. Nathan Christopher Gesundheit Charles Askani’son Summers Priscilla Geronimo Jackson Liefield-Nicieza.
    haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  3. Fabian did list you and Cable as one of the romances he has written.
    Than some asshat claimed Nate didn’t love you back.
    1) What the hell is that about? Nate was the one who used the word divorce, and was practically writing you love notes, am I right?
    2) How can I make my father stop stalking me? Do you have any advice?
    3) How hot are you going to be kicking Skrull butt on a scale of 1-15? 27? 29? 150?

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