Remember When I Dressed Like Ant Man? Good Times.

OK, so you feebs are gonna die when ya hear this:

I’m in th’ supermarket (le supermarchet!) in France, ’cause I got this megamajor cravin’ fer some Snackes Au Francais (that’s French munchies ta you unedumacated feebs) an’ this dude comes up to me all, “Zut alors, mon ami! Etes-vous DEADPOOL?” an’ I’m all whippin’ out the heavy artillery ’cause ya know, guys comin’ up ta me ta ask who I am usually wanna kill me, an’ he kinda reminds me a’the guy who’s uncle I mighta maybe snuffed a few weeks ago — an’ then he goes, “Mais oui! Je t’adore! J’aime les questions auxquelles vous répondez sur le Twitter!” An’ then? He bought me all my snacks. SCORE.

So, random French dude who’s name was probably Pierre ’cause ev’ry French person is named Pierre: this one’s fer you!

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part V: The Havartian Decade (When all th’ questions were soft an’ cheesy, an’ all th’ answers were delicious. Woo! (This decade has not yet been officially recognized by the International Commission on Stratigraphy, which I totally did not make up.))

…

@lastgeek asks: Is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

@lastgeek Yeah, I wouldn’t fry a Smurf w/a magnifying glass (ScarletVulture, WHATUP http://tinyurl.com/ygt9gd8) I’d do that sh*t for FREE.

@bunnnn asks: what can I do to train and kick butt like you do cause im only a small bunny but your really cool!!!!!!!!!!!!

@bunnnn Oldest trick in th’ book, wee furry creature: file those l’il teeth a’yers until they’re SHARP and POINTY! An’ then hide in a cave

RT @bunnnn http://twitpic.com/owj2u – @ask_deadpool is tellin us a story about how he kicked captain america in the nads to get aliens out

RT @bunnnn http://twitpic.com/owuyy – now @ask_deadpool is tellin me how my brass knuckles look like crepes I didnt know how to spell it

@bunnnn Sweet, little vorpal bunny! I like these.

@gjrkow asks: that cuz he was not allowed to talk when he was u at the end??? they messed u up big time but maybe they do betta next time

@gjrkow Hellz yeah that’s why! Those fools din’t know what 2 do w/a good thing. WHERE’S MY LAWYER CALL HER IN HERE Oh hey She-hulk whatup?

@jenvargas asks: What do you think of @NASA?

@jenvargas I’ve been ta space. It’s kinda creepy out there sometimes. @NASA & the astronauts are killer-cool fer going up there alla time.

@jenvargas P.S. Have you heard my new band, @NASA and the Astronauts?

@jenvargas It’s me an’ Domino, a guitar, a bass, an’ a hamster on a wheel. #TRUFAX

@jenvargas P.S. Sometimes Rorschach does guest vocals, but we can’t get ‘im ta read th’ lyrics in full sentences. Crazy little man.

@jenvargas: @Ask_Deadpool That’s pretty cool, DP! I’ll bet you guys would kick Harry & the Potters’ butt in a Battle of the Bands!

@jenvargas Yeah, but I dunno ’bout Draco & the Malfoys. They might emo us ta death.

@I_Tenacious asks: Here’s one. Why the hell did Marvel set up another account for you if they/you aren’t doing jack with it?

@I_Tenacious WHO TO THE WHAT NOW? Where is this villain of whom you speaketh. Eth.

@I_Tenacious WE MUST ROUST THE IMPOSTOR FROM HIS THRONE OF NOTHINGNESS BEFORE HE BECOMES ENTRENCHED. Also I have a spare grenade.

@I_Tenacious Thanks dude. …OH COME ON NOW, THIS AIN’T FAIR. If he don’t post somethin’, how can I reply an’ tell ‘im ta GET LOST.

@I_Tenacious Hey man, what’s th’ point’a havin minions if ya can’t get’em ta do yer work for ya. EVERYBODY TELL @RealDeadpool I’M TH’ BEST

IF HE EVER ACTUALLY POSTS. TELL MARVEL THEY SHOULD JUST HIRE ME TA BE ME FER THEM. I MEAN COME *ON*

GO MINIONS GO! RT @bunnnn @RealDeadpool i like @Ask_Deadpool hes tha best!!!!

@RealDeadpool BEWARE MY MINIONS WITH THEIR SHARP. POINTY. TEETH. (snicker-snack; snicker-snack. @bunnnn will getchya!)

@Jebroney says: id REALLY love it if there was a chance of u teaming up with weasel again…i miss poolboy

@Jebroney Ya know, I think we need ta go storm th’ writers’ lair, ’cause I got a few suggestions as ta my supportin’ cast myself!

@ToughTom asks: Why is it all the other Deadpools on twitter are so sorry?

@ToughTom Cause all the other ones are pale copies of xeroxes of mimeographs of tracing-paper drawings of th’ REAL me. Which is ME. #TRUFAX

@RedHeartTart asks: Do you think you could take on Freddy Krueger?

@RedHeartTart Psshya, what’re ya, kiddin’ me? He can’t even leave town! You can beat him just by not being afraid! An’ I’m not afraid a’him

@gil_garcia asks: have you seen the Proposal yet?

@gil_garcia Yes. #ryanreynolds is SO DREAMY. Jus’ like me! That’s why he’ll be perfect ta play me soon.

@krazynate05 asks: What would @Ask_Deadpool do if a guy kissed your chick on the cheek even if the 2 are friends?

@krazynate05 HAHAHAHAHA show me th’ guy who’s nuts enough ta do that. MY BABE, DUDES. THAT MEANS BACK OFF. *grenade toss*

@bairdduvessa asks: does that meam you won’t get me Sandi’s number?

@bairdduvessa Hmm, not sure, dude. Do you have shifty eyes? A tendency ta beat women? If not, I might maybe could consider it.

@bairdduvessa: @ask_deadpool neither.

@bairdduvessa Weeeeellllll, I’ll see if she wants ta share.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: is ryan reynolds as good and cute in the proposal as in wolverine ??

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 CUTER. HE GETS NAKED which I totally didn’t watch because I am into women. Only women. Hot women. In conclusion: WOMEN.

@JLopezCostume asks: Deadpool/Transformers Michael Baysplosion Crossover, y/y?

@JLopezCostume Oh HELL no. Michael Bay? *makes warding sign* Who did The Dark Knight CAN I GET THAT PERSON?

@JLopezCostume: @Ask_Deadpool what if Michael Bay explodes too? Someone will pay to see that!

@JLopezCostume Only if Optimus Prime falls on ‘im outta the clear blue sky afterwards. ‘Cause that’d be kinda funny.

@I_Tenacious asks: Hey, did we ever get rid of that other jerk?

@I_Tenacious Nah, he;s still hangin’ around, not sayin’ a word. But I don’ care. We all know who the REAL “RealDeadpool” is: ME.

@I_Tenacious Actually, I figured out who that feeb is: he’s th’ version a’me from the FOX movie: aka Not Cool Deadpool.

@I_Tenacious That’s why he ain’t talkin’ – HIS MOUTH’S STILL SEWN SHUT. Hahahahaha.

@BuddhaBBuddhism asks: Ive read just about every deadpool comic (that i know of) But when does he get the other extra voices??

@BuddhaBBuddhism The voices are tellin’ me somethin’ about some dude named Daniel…Way…and salad tossing…Wolvie? Is that you??

@BuddhaBBuddhism Oh wait. Now th’ other voice is sayin’ somethin’ about tired gimmicks…HEY NOW. Nothin’ I do is tired. I RULE.

@fableboyblue asks: so you battling Dr. Doom (via @doomwar) for money or chicks or both? You should eat something before you take him on!

@fableboyblue Eh? That ain’t Doom. Doom wouldn’t talk ’bout Taylor Swift all the time. …Wait. Scratch that. Maybe he WOULD.

RT @fableboyblue has to be doom. NAY WAIT ITS LADY GAGA! I was fooled don’t let this happen you you kids!

@fableboyblue HEY NOW don’t you hate on @ladygaga; she’s my kinda crazy. She wore a cape made outta a polar bear AND SET IT ON FIRE.

@fableboyblue: @Ask_Deadpool most definitely not hating on @ladygaga. You have to respect multi-talent.

@fableboyblue Anyway, I think @ladygaga c’n actually SPELL. Plus: POLAR BEAR CAPE. ON FIRE. Yeah, that’s right, @Ask_Deadpool’s a fan.

@fableboyblue An’ women who wear masks alla time. Maybe @ladygaga is secretly a superhero/villainess. HEY IT COULD BE TRUE.

@fableboyblue: @Ask_Deadpool agreed. Akin to Dazzler, only…lots more flash.

@jadaily asks: I’m looking for a career change. What should I do?

@jadaily How ’bout citrus fruit dyer: http://tinyurl.com/yew7vhk Dunno if it’s hard work, but ya c’d prob’ly snack some while ya work!

@gjrkow asks: x-force annual was cool cuz u fought dead acolytes, so when u officialy join x-force?

@gjrkow Shhh, don’ tell! I’m already a super-secret member. So secret that not a single person knows I joined! Hah!

@HamjamIAm asks: If you had your way, what would you do about school buses?

@HamjamIAm I’d turn ‘em inta portable awesomeness on wheels: hot tub school buses, pizza parlor school buses, observatory school buses…

@HamjamIAm moonwalk school buses (they’d be totally safe! *bounce bounce bounce*), armory school buses (fer when ya need a new grenade)…

@HamjamIAm fashion show school buses (shutup I ain’t gay; it’d attract hot models!), personal rock show buses (hello, Matthew Good show!)

@HamjamIAm …OK, now I’m really thinkin’ I gotta get some old buses and go ta work on this idea. Thanks, man!

@ToughTom asks: Do you think Longshot could “get lucky” whenever he wanted?

@ToughTom I think he’d have a real good chance at makin’ babies if that’s what he wanted. Since his aim’s so good. Hur hur hur.

@ToughTom Know what I’d love ta see? Longshot vs. Domino in An Affair of the Heart. An’ in a fight, too, a’course.

…

Hey! I think…I think that means I’m almost caught up on th’ ol’ Twitterfeed. Which…ah, damn. Guess I’ll hafta start answerin’ questions again, eh? Just kiddin’, kids. I LOVE YA AN’ YER QUESTIONS.

P.S. I heard a rumor t’day that my friend who said he was gonna draw some little pictures fer me drew ‘em. Stay tuned!

What’s That Thing You Do? We Love That Thing You Do! Do You? We Do! Ooh!

Ooh, another post’a questions I already answered on that thing they call Twitter. I’m so lazy, it’s nearly unbelievable! ‘Cept I know you’ll b’lieve just about anything of me. Like you’ll b’lieve I’m gonna answer yer questions in my next post. SWEAR.

But fer now, it’s time fer…

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part III: The Achean Eon (That time when I said painfully ridiculous things in answer ta yer questions. Wait…that mighta been every eon. Whatever.)

…

@omgzombieswtf asks: Who’s the better current writer of you: Daniel Way or Mike Benson? Both brilliant bastards!

@omgzombieswtf I gotta say BENSON. Danny boy’s ok, but I’ll never fergive him fer Pool-o-vision. My brain’s a LOT more crazy than THAT.

@ConanSlew asks: Oye Deadpool! Sabes hablar español?

@ConanSlew (& this goes fer all y’all from foreign parts) Wish I did, but th’ part’a my brain that knows 50 languages is still regeneratin’.

@Jinxrave asks: Pirates or Ninjas? You can only choose one!

@Jinxrave Pirates, a’course. I’M a ninja, so I got no use fer more a’them around here. But I love guys who go, “Yaaarrrrrr” at everythin’.

@prescribeddrone asks: Do chongas like chimichangas?

@prescribeddrone Damned if I know – maybe ya should head down ta Miami an’ ask one.

@ToughTom asks: Whats your advice for training a zombie head of yourself?

@ToughTom Ya know, I’d start with LOTSA practice biting and headbutting. I mean, my zombie head rocks, but it’s got a kinda small skillset

@ToughTom We’re workin’ on our own “fastball special,” though – an’ ours is WAY better than the original.

@PissOnYouBitch asks: hey i got a question. what would have you thought of bruce campbell playing you in a movie back when he was younger

@PissOnYouBitch Bruce Campbell is a BAMF, so sure. Only thing I’d worry ’bout is his tendency ta kill zombies. I like my zombie head!

@EXISTunicornsDO asks: Zombies or vampires?

@EXISTunicornsDO ZOMBIES Gotta stick with fam’ly, right? My zombie head rocks OK, now who’s gonna ask me ’bout ninja zombie pirate robots?

@HellrazerHD is confused: He says: Now I’ve seen everything … someone posing as the red and black attack on twitter.

@HellrazerHD No posin’ here, man. I’m the real deal. I got the scars ta prove it.

@HellrazerHD: @ask_deadpool good because the last guy I met dressed as deadpool was about 400 pounds and couldn’t speak a lick of english. makes u wonder

@HellrazerHD Wonder no more, my friend. Anyway, that was just Agent X messin’ with ya. He stole my *stretchy* uniform from Heroes Reborn.

@Mark_Currie asks: Ninja zombies or Pirate robots? Or Ninja robots? Or Pirate zombies?

@Mark_Currie Radioactive Teenage Samurai Robot Wombats, a’course!

@jamesdavidW asks: what happens when someone cuts off your head??? with a chainsaw

@jamesdavidW It smarts a little. ‘Specially after Bob puts my head back on my neck an’ it’s becomin’ attached ta me all over again.

@mrsmulwray asks: So, Deadpool, what are you going to get me for my birthday?

@mrsmulwray Go clubbin’ an’ I’ll take out a contract hit on ya. But the nice kind. Where all the guys hit on ya all night. You’ll love it!

@skeletontrees asks: so where are you taking me for our birthday on july 7?

@skeletontrees Abraham Lincoln on a pogo stick, I forgot it’s our birthday in a few days! Uh, I gotta rappel down a mountain fer work.

@skeletontrees An’ then shoot somebody. Don’t ask. Wanna come? We can totally get chinese after the dude is dead.

@EXISTunicornsDO asks: Do you believe is unicorns??

@EXISTunicornsDO Nah, but I do believe in pictsies. Nasty little buggers! But handy in a fight!

@PissOnYouBitch asks: did you read your new series yet i picked it up today very nice by the way

@PissOnYouBitch What, you think I got time ta read all that – I gotta get my rockets ready fer tonight. BIG BOOM, BABY.

@CrazyInez asks: Hey Wade I gotta question for ya When ya pay me back for wreckin’ my apartment, are ya gonna throw in some diamond spurs?

@CrazyInez I was thinkin’ a’somethin’ a little more…intimate, baby. *wink wink*

@Xanapanda asks: Just out of curiosity how much would it cost me to have you take out someone?

@Xanapanda First rule’a merc werc is I don’t talk bout how much I charge fer merc werc on here. But we could conduct a private negotiation

@Xanapanda: @Ask_Deadpool Oh sorry. I’ll keep that in mind from now on! Don’t want you to hurt me the next time. ^^; So where shall it take place then?

@Xanapanda Ever been ta Manhattan? There’s a handy abandoned warehouse we could chat in…

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: hey any news on deadpool movie havent looked in in a long time

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Here’s th’ latest: http://bit.ly/bhrbR

@miss_risible asks: So we’re wondering how RR will portray you, but what would YOU do if your boss [WHO U HATE(!!!)] proposed to YOU?!

@miss_risible Well I’m kinda freelance, but I think I’d fall on my ass if like, Nick Fury or Cable proposed ta me after hirin’ me…

@HellrazerHD asks: So is poolman a Mortal Kombat fan?

@HellrazerHD Well I WAS, until this whole Weapon XI thing…now I ain’t so sure. I guess I should blame FOX, not Mortal Kombat.

@Mark_Currie says: @Ask_Deadpool DC have stolen Ryan Reynolds away from us! You could kick Green Lantern’s cosmic butt any day.

@Mark_Currie Don’t I know it! I just hope #ryanreynolds is going to do BOTH. If he throws me over fer GL, we may be DONE, professionally.

@gil_garcia asks: is it just me or do you feel a little betrayed by Ryan Reynolds over his hiring as the Green Lantern?

@gil_garcia Weeeellll, I’m waitin’ ta see what #ryanreynolds says about it, ya know? If he’ll still play me too, it’s all good.

@NaTeSaUcE asks: yo wade! whats up? who’d be the last guy standing after a bar fight with you and wolvie? ya both gots the healin’ factors!

@NaTeSaUcE Ain’t gonna lie & say it’d be an easy fight, but I do have one thing Wolvie don’t have: a teleporter. Gives me th’ edge. So: ME

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: how do you feel about renolds playing green lantern ????

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 I’m gonna be happy fer him unless it hurts MY movie – then I’ma gonna be PISSED. Anyway, #ryanreynolds looks good in green.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 It brings out the seriousness in his eyes.

@Lachdanan_ asks: Who would win in a fight? Wolverine? or Darth Vader?

@Lachdanan_ Wolvie’s got the healing, but Vader’s got the Force. It’d be a standoff: Vader’d just create a Force field to keep Wolvie away

@YouTubeDeadpool: @Ask_Deadpool Yeah. Vader all the way. Force choke him to the nearest Airlock.

@YouTubeDeadpool A’course, if the question was ME vs. Vader, def. it’d be ME. But I can’t tell ya how I’d beat ‘im, or I’d hafta kill ya!

@feildmouse asks: why is the Suicide Kings mini so lame compared to all of your other books?

@feildmouse ‘Cause it’s not really me; it’s Tasky. Sh. Actually, I didn’t even read it yet. I’ll get back ta ya on how he screwed up later

@zareonianwolf asks: Hey Wade! Besides Ryan Reynolds, who do you think would do justice to you on the big screen?

@zareonianwolf Ya know, at this point, I don’t think I can think’a anybody else bein’ me…damn. #ryanreynolds better be able ta do it!

@fullofwhoa asks: Dear Deadpool, I do not actually own any of your comics. Where should I start?

@fullofwhoa We here at the Agency consider anything written by Joe Kelly, Fabian Nicieza, or Gail Simone to be Word of God.

@fullofwhoa So I’d try out Deadpool (1997) 1-33, Deadpool (1997) 65-69 and Agent X 1-15, Cable & Deadpool (2006) 1-50. But any are good.

@Blazefire33 asks: Yo Wade, what do you think of that podcast dedicated to you?

@Blazefire33 I think fans dedicating stuff ta me is freakin’ fantastic. Chimichanga!

@Mark_Currie asks: Hey Wade, I was wondering… what should I ask you?

@Mark_Currie Do I gotta do ALL the work aroun’ here? Heh. I dunno, ask me how behind I am on answering everyone’s questions. Answer: A LOT

@Mark_Currie But I swear I’m workin’ on it! In between the slicin’ an’ dicin’, ya know.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: hey any new updates on movie ?!?!?!?!?

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 No. *sniff* Has #ryanreynolds forgotten me because he likes green better? …NAH. I’m sure he’ll come through. HE’D BETTER.

RT @foresthouse DEADPOOL IN MAGNET WARS! Mwahaha! http://bit.ly/14WJMk

@Lachdanan_ asks: How come I can’t find your comics at my local convince store I work at?

@Lachdanan_ ‘Cause Comic Book Guy *personally* threatened Apu Nahasapeemapetilon and ALL ‘is kind if they ever honed in on his territory

@Lachdanan_ #TRUFAX

@zareonianwolf asks: hey Wade! If you fought the Green Lantern, who’d win?

@zareonianwolf Depends, ya know? We talkin’ in th’ movies? ‘Cause that’d be just kinda existential an’ crap, me fightin’ myself…

@zareonianwolf But in th’ comics, ME, a’course. Even need ta ask? An’ he’d be damnin’ a lot more’n my lemonade http://tinyurl.com/mwf92d

@xXBlackVirusXx asks: HEY DEADPOOL!I just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a jawbreaker? forget tootsiepops!

@xXBlackVirusXx No freakin’ clue. But ya know I built a sweet-ass gun when I was a li’l tyke, shot those things out like nobody’s biz

@xXBlackVirusXx I mean, those things’r HARD. They make ‘em outta 100 year old chewing gum’r somethin’

@xXBlackVirusXx Ya know, th’ kind ya find on th’ bottom’a th’ seat at the movies? LIKE A ROCK.

@gil_garcia asks: will you be playing Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 when it releases next month, since you are in the game?

@gil_garcia Ya kiddin’? HELLS YEAH. Game me looks SWEET. …Oh, ‘cept I gotta wait til I score another gig ta get it. Money’s kinda tight.

@gil_garcia I mean, guess I c’d heist it on outta th’ store…but I don’t usually steal stuff unless I’m gettin’ paid. Or it’s fun. Or…

…

Whew! Well that was a lotta typin’ I didn’t actually just do. Tune in next time, fer Wolverine’s special guest appearance on the ol’ blog!*

* Wolverine not actually appearing.

Bubblin’ Brie in the Brain-pan! Who *Are* All These Hooligans??

Hey hey, my freaky fans! It’s meeee!

…NO! It’s ME. The younger, cooler, better Deadpool!

What? Kid, shut it an’ sit down. Yer a tool. Anyway, as I was sayin’–

Wait, wait! They don’t want to hear about YOU. Let’s talk about *ME*. Check this out; I have HAIR. Pretty, blonde–ouch! Why you little–

Soldiers! Stop shoving over there! There’s only one keyboard and I need some elbow room! I can’t even…Ok, who ate the burrito for lunch?

Don’ look at me! I only do live and recently-deceased flesh. Non’a that beans an’ rice stuff fer me. But I think it was comin’ from that dir–OOF!

Hey, mister. If you don’t quit blamin’ me for yer messes, I’m gonna take my custom-modified Colt Peacemaker and shoot you right in your–

Will you two knock it off? I swear to Super-Skrull that I will turn this journal entry right around and not even post it if you don–

Dammit, why don’t you just shut up already, Major Dragpool; and by the way, who stole my Midol? Listening to you mooks bicker is giving me CRAMPS.

I didn’t even know that was possible. An’ seriously? You’re goin’ with PMS jokes ta emphasize which one of us is the female Deadpool? Really? LAME. Man, I think I liked it better when all I had ta worry about was which schizophrenic colored box was talkin’…

Well, I mean, look at my gratuitously chesty body. Do you really expect the writers aren’t going to play up the random female stereotypes all the time? Dollars to donuts they’ll have me freaking out because I lost my favorite lipstick in the middle of a fight by page three of my next appearance. You know it’s tr–

Hey, any’a you seen my puppy? If one’a you all shot him or somethin’, I’m gonna be REALLY–

Shut it, shorty. No one cares about yer puppy. We can’t even pronounce ‘is name. And anyway, where’d you come from? Ain’t you dead?

Well, you know how Marvel likes ta bring things back ta life. And what better time for me than now? I mean, no one’d even protest, ’cause they wouldn’t even notice yet ANOTHER version’a Deadpool reappearing with alla these new feeb versions croppin’ up left, right, an’ center!

Hey, squirt; watch who you’re insulting! I’m almost as old-school as you; but of course I’m way, way fresher in the hip-and-cool department. And everyone knows i–

*THUD*

Hah, that should keep him down for the count. DAMN, he was getting on my nerves. Listen, why don’t we take turns sharing our insights with the internet? I mean, all this shoving is getting us nowhere, and–

Hey kids, it’s your friendly neighborhood Spider-man, here to tell you it looks like another beautiful day in the neighborhood!

What the…? Who said that? What is this thing??

What? Since I can’t snuggle with my puppy, I needed a substitute. And Spidey-Plush is SOOOO. CUUUUTE. And he talks! I couldn’t resist. Look, if you squeeze him he says “Excelsior!”

Gimme that!

Excelsiooooooooorrrrrrrrr!

OMG! You threw Spidey-Plush out the window! YOU BASTARD!

Eh, don’t be upset. He was holding back your development. You need to learn to exist without the crutch of–OOF!

I don’t wanna hear it, Lady! HE KILLED SPIDEY-PLUSH.

Ah, he’ll bounce back. He’s made a’stuffing! Now c’n we get back ta the actual topic at hand here? Which is: WHY ARE THERE SIX OTHER VERSIONS’A ME IN MY OFFICE???

It’s bad enough when Agent X shoves his fat butt in here and makes me feel all claustrophobic an’ oddly like I wanna cuddle up on his sumo-esque tummy, but THIS is ridiculous! An’ now the me with the biggest chest is gettin’ her own comic? An’ I’m gonna be on the cover’a 24 other comics in one month? Sandi’s goin’ crazy tryin’ ta book alla my appointments, an’ I can’t even HIRE people ta fill in fer me anymore. Tasky just stormed out in a huff ’cause Sandi double-booked him fer a merc job as himself an’ a cover shot as Iron Man me last week. An’ I can’t even remember what day it is anymore ’cause I been so busy runnin’ all over town posin’ with the Fantastic Four an’ tormentin’ Daredevil. Don’ get me wrong, I like being busy, but THIS IS GETTIN’ EXHAUSTING. What th’ hell’s goin’ on here?

Didn’t you hear, soldier? You’re the hottest property around right now! It’s the culmination of a rise in popularity that’s been on slow burn since shortly before that ridiculous Wolverine movie came out. All the movie hype brought you to the attention of the mainstream and caused Marvel to give you more page-time; pre-Department K you was the best part of that haphazard movie; and now that BAMF Ryan Reynolds is going to play you again in Deadpool, you’re hot stuff!

Well, I mean, yeah, I know I got more fans now than I used ta, an’ there’s gonna be a movie an’ all, an’ I’m real excited about that, but I thought it was ’cause…I’m bloggin’ now…and…I have a Twitter…?

Don’t be silly! It’s because you landed a small role in a movie that starred WOLVERINE, so people who’d never heard of you are now your fans, and Marvel only knows one way to deal with a rising star: overexploit him until the public can’t take it anymore! Why do you think there’s that persistent subsection of fans who hate Wolverine so much? It’s because Marvel did the same thing to him, and some people eventually got sick of it!

So what yer sayin’ is…I’m gonna be th’ next Wolverine?!

Honey, you already are. You’re Marvel’s next big hero fixation! Guest appearances in pretty much every book? Encounters with a collection of random spin-off characters? A book about you and your zombie head? TWENTY FOUR variant covers in one month?** Me maybe getting my own book? I thought you’d already realized this: we have hit THE BIG TIME, baby!

Hang on, hang on. The whole point of Deadpool is that he’s not a mainstream hero or even anti-hero, an’ he’s not a villain either; he’s both. I mean, look up amoral in th’ dictionary an’ you’re gonna find that dude’s ugly mug starin’ right back atchya. Trust me on this, I’m his CLONE. An’ that’s why Deadpool c’n do things other Marvel cats can’t: because his every action doesn’t have ta be a show’a heroism fer the kids or affect the whole freakin’ universe. How else could he get away with stuff like punchin’ out Kitty Pryde or rochambeauin’ Captain America? Terrorizin’ mental patients in the loony bin? Encouragin’ crazy folks ta kill judges just so’s they can feel better? I could go on forever, here!

…So then how’s this-here newfangled fame going t’affect the Merc with a Mouth? I mean, besides occasionally giving him some right smart podners like me, The Deadpool Kid?

Ah, we all know what’s gonna happen; I mean, it’s already started. He’s gonna get a little less zany an’ fun, an’ a little more mainstream, ’cause editors actually pay attention ta what goes in th’ books that everybody’s buying, an’ he’s gonna show up everywhere they c’n wedge his little symbol in, and the market’ll be flooded, an’ then after awhile people are gonna get tired’a him.

Oh yeah, an’ foresthouse is gonna go either broke er crazy er both tryin’ ta collect alla his appearances. Or her comic book lady is gonna shoot ‘er inna heart fer callin’ up at all hours’a th’ day ta add YET ANOTHER Deadpool comic ta the purchase list. Ah, foresthouse: We’ll miss ya!

Hey now! I like foresthouse. AND having fans who aren’t sick of me. An’ I don’t wanna be all boring and mainstream. So…I can’t believe I’m about ta say this, but:

Marvel? STOP PUTTING ME ON, IN, AN’ AROUND EVERY SINGLE COMIC YOU’VE GOT. STOP MAKING THE FANS GO NUTS TRYIN’ TA GET THAT ONE COVER WHERE ONLY MY ELBOW APPEARS, OR PAY OVER $100 FOR A VARIANT COVER, OR LOCATE A MARBLE WITH ME IN IT THAT APPARENTLY DOESN’T EVEN EXIST. STOP WATERING DOWN MY CHARACTER BY GIVING ME 100 SPIN-OFF APPEARANCES, BECAUSE I’M *ALREADY* HALF-SCHIZOPHRENIC OVER HERE AND I REALLY DON’T NEED ANY MORE’A THAT. The reason I’m so awesome is that I’m ME, and now I’m hearin’ that what yer doin’ is gonna change all that. Nice as it is ta be able ta whip out th’ X-Men Club Card at th’ local Starbucks (what? I lifted if off the angsty one-eyed wussbucket while he was oglin’ Emma Frost), I DON’T want ta be th’ next Wolverine. I want ta be me. An’ that means not makin’ me work so hard that even me an’ my healin’ factor can’t keep up.

So you wanna know what you gotta do? Stop messin’ around with a variation of that insane T-Ray storyline where a million-billion versions’a me came outta that weird deus ex machina star thingie, and start huntin’ down ONE OR TWO awesome writers like Joe! Kelly! or Fabian Nicieza or Gail Simone ta write ONE OR MAYBE TWO awesome continuous books in which I am once again 100% pure ME. (And in which Pool-o-vision never existed, plsthx.) OK? Got it? GOOD. Then maybe by the time my movie comes around fans won’t be totally broke an’ exhausted an’ pissed off by trying ta track down every single comic book in th’ world in case my left toe is featured, or by readin’ storylines that totally change my character ’cause the writers just don’t get my faaaabulously unique personality.

Oh, an’ by the way? If I’m th’ hottest property around, how come *I* don’t have a talkin’ plushy yet? If yer gonna exploit me, at least do it by sellin’ some awesome merch. Ya hear me? GET ON THAT.

P.S. Wouldn’t say no to a Deadpool voodoo doll, neither. But only if you c’n do the matchin’ Cable doll, too. I’m a symmetrist. Gotta have the pair!

P.P.S. Now, alla you knock-off Deadpool mooks? GET TH’ HELL OUTTA MY OFFICE.

…

‘Cept you, Headpool. You c’n stay.

** Editor’s Note: This entire post may or may not have been inspired by Deadpool’s rage at the fact that there is NO WAY he (or foresthouse) will be able to acquire all twenty-four variant covers in February. GRRR.)

Holla Holla (Come on if you rollin’ wit me) Holla Holla (The yellow boxes say hey)

Yo yo what up Gs and G-ettes? (Yeah, I am so down with th’ gangsta slang, baby.) SO DOWN WITH IT. So hey, remember how I’m postin’ my Twitter Asked and Answered Hollas on here now? Yeah, it’s that time again!

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part II: The Cretinaceous Period (Hey, didja know during this period the dinosaurs were called stuff like “muttaburrasaurus“? Fer serious! I’m thinkin’ those ones tasted like mutton burritos er somethin’. That er the guys namin’ them were just morons.)

ANYWAY.

…

BREAKING NEWS!! Bob’ll be answerin’ questions in the next journal entry. Leave yer Bob questions on today’s post: http://tinyurl.com/olp5kp

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: who is bob ????

@EdWaRdSgIrL4: Bob’s kinda a stray. Picked ‘im up by accident on a mission an’ then he wouldn’t go home! Schmoe! http://tinyurl.com/rxubh3

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 S’ok, though. He’s a pretty good cook. Weas gets jealous a’him sometimes, but I just ignore it. Weas gets so tetchy sometimes.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Oh, an’ if ya wanna know who any a’the other mooks I hang out with are: http://bit.ly/kJID0

@ j4m3s asks: i’ve a question: i know my coleagues at work are doing less hours than me, what must i do?!

@j4m3s Ya know what movie I love? Office Space. Dude had the right idea: leave early when no one’s lookin’ & then come back & PWN the joint.

@j4m3s An’ then you can set yer own hours, and walk around singin’ about how good it is ta be a gansta. Total win.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 says: http://foresthouse.livejour… can you read all of this some of it is so small i cant read it ??????

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Hey, babe, mgmt. ain’t responsible fer the teeny printin’ at the link. An’ I got laser eyes, so I c’n read ANYthin’. OH WAIT.

j4m3s says: thanks for your great advice. but i was waiting something that shot them in the middle of the eyes or anything like that

@j4m3s Well, yeah, there’s always the easy way out. I prefer my inflatable sheep gun (TM) fer jobs like that. Flatten them with flair!

@Deathstroke_ asks: “How does it feel knowing that your existence owes itself to the awesome that is me?”

@Deathstroke_ And I reply: How does it feel knowing that I was already 500 times more awesome than you by the end of my first solo issue?

@Deathstroke_ But hey, man, don’ feel too down about it. If ya wanna grab a brew an’ unload about yer messed up childhood, just gimme a call

@Deathstroke_ Number’s 1-800-BAKELITE. (Leave off th’ last “E” fer weight reduction!)

Deathstroke_ says: This is why you’ll never beat Wolverine. Your snarcky sense of humor will give you a fanbase, but it won’t make you the best.

Deathstroke_ says: I on the other hand am a trained killer. I’ve beaten Batman, I’ve out run the Flash, I am the ultimate weapon.

Deathstroke_ says: I take no nonsene. I might not be as popular, but I’m deffinately more deadly.

@Deathstroke_ Matter of opinion, dude. An at least I ain’t got insecurity issues that make me need ta grandstand on how great I am alla time

@Deathstroke_ But I gotta remind ya, I got a whole book called “Deadpool vs. the Marvel Universe” an’ at the end, I COME OUT ON TOP. ZING.

tano_gooch asks: How long ’till you converse with Strong Bad about him copying your mask? He’s still breathing: http://tiny.cc/VDG5L

@tano_gooch Eh. The dude’s like, 3 inches tall! I ain’t gonna bust his chops ’cause he thinks trying ta be like me will make ‘im tougher

@tano_gooch Unless he calls me out ‘er tries ta actually claim he’s me or somethin’. Then I’ll wipe the cement with his puny li’l gloves.

@JJMeylar asks: Dear Deadpool, I have a sweet tooth problem that I want to deal with. What should I do?

@JJMeylar First, ya go to th’store an’ find some real nice, ritzy brand’a chocolate ice cream.

@JJMeylar Then, ya buy 12 cartons.

@JJMeylar Then, ya bring ‘em all on by my place.

@JJMeylar An’ then I might let ya have one.

@JJMeylar ‘Cept if Agent X wants some. I can’t be held responsible fer what that big tub a’lard does.

@JJMeylar So if he steals yer carton, don’t whine ta me. We clear?

@gil_garcia asks: do u think that you can kill the chick in that stupid Education Connection commercial? There’s a chimichanga in it for ya!

@gil_garcia Throw in an enchilada, an’ I’m sold. U got an address or somethin’? Or am I gonna have ta lurk outside the studios again?

@gil_garcia Last time I did that I got in BIIIG trouble. I was like, “I’m a golden girl, I swear!” but they weren’t buyin’ it.

gil_garcia says: Ill make it two enchiladas since i dont know the address!

@gil_garcia Awriiiiight, if ya throw in some hot sauce an’ chips I’ll do the recon work for ya.

EdWaRdSgIrL4 says: bad news some combicbook magizine had a list of top 200 superheros. – deadpool was number 182- dumb magazine

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Ah, well, it was prob’ly written by monkeys jumpin’ on typewriters with defective ribbons. An’ I STILL got on the list!

@gil_garcia asks: hey deadpool, when you’re bored, do you ever randomly blow off your head because you can regenerate?

@gil_garcia Nah, man, ya never know when yer mutant powers’ll get sidetracked an’ ferget ta grow yer ear back or somethin’.

@gil_garcia I mean, hasn’t happened yet, but ya never know. Anyway, why waste ammo I could be usin’ on someone else?

@Xanapanda asks: You’re so cool, Wade. How can I be more like ya?

@Xanapanda Well now, I recommend starting by heckling Bob whenever possible. An’ playing poker with Outlaw. But don’t ever let ‘er win.

@Xanapanda I don’t recommend cancer. Or talkin’ ta anyone from Weapon X’s recruitment dept. Even if they offer ya cupcakes and ponies.

@Xanapanda Also ta state the obvious – fashion makes the man (or woman). Lotsa nice red-n-black’ll totally help.

@Xanapanda Ah, who’re we kiddin? There’s only ever gonna be one me. Why not try ta be more like yerself. Don’t worry. We c’n still hang out.

@TheReaperMan Great Gatsby on a pogo stick! Death, sweetheart, is that YOU? …Wait… Ya look, uhhh…different. Genderically I mean.

TheReaperMan says: WRONG UNIVERSE. YOU WANT THAT TART THAT RUNS THE MARVEL SECTION.

@TheReaperMan Ohhh. So wait – yer th’ one with the horse, right? I always wanted a horse named Binky! Can I ride her, can I can I can I???

TheReaperMan says: RIDING THE HORSE MAY RESULT IN YOUR ENTRAPMENT IN AN ALTERNATE REALITY. MEANS NO.

@TheReaperMan I been in a few a’those. Sometimes it’s kinda fun; sometimes it tickles. An’ then there was the time when I really hadta pee…

TheReaperMan says: HAVING SAID THAT, HERE’S A BOUNCY BALL. *passes* MIGHT KEEP ME FOLLOWING YOUR TRAIL FOR FIVE MINUTES OR SO.

@TheReaperMan Oooh, BOUNCY. Thanks, man. I like the black an’ white. If I paint some red on here, it’ll look just like my little symbol ™

TheReaperMan says: I’M SURE IT WOULD. *nods*

@TheReaperMan P.S. Can I keep this?

TheReaperMan: *nods*

@PyroGrrl asks: hey. How are ya?

@PyroGrrl I’m in th’ mood fer some fiery passion, that’s how I am. An’ you look like ya’d be good at bringin’ that, eh? *wink wink*

@PyroGrrl …Oh, wait. Were you jus’ bein’ polite an’ stuff? Hard ta tell with all this typin’ and stuff.

@elgato88 asks: so…how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

@elgato88 It all depends, dude – is this a *laden* woodchuck, or an unladen woodchuck?

elgato88 says: uhh….. unladen!

@elgato88 In that case, about a chuckwagon’s full a day, during the month’a May, is what I say. Hey hey. I’m a freakin’ fantastic poet, eh?

@mrsmulwray asks: Doing anything fun this weekend, Deadpool?

@mrsmulwray S’amatterafact, I am. Sandi got us a job with a stakeout at a fancy hotel, so in between murder an’ mayhem – I’m goin’ SWIMMIN

inlaterdays asks: Will there be a Speedo involved?

@inlaterdays Speedo? Nah, I got custom trunks. Guess what they got on ‘em?

@Lady_Phantom asks: Hey, DP! I was wondering what your thoughts are on you being in the new Hulk Vs. Wolverine show?

@Lady_Phantom I think it’s FANFREAKINTASTIC. I mean, yeah, they made me way too skinny, but the voice guy was pretty darned good an’ all.

@KamKhaos asks: What is more painful, arrows through the skull or watching Bob wee on your favorite rug?

@KamKhaos I loved that rug. *tear* Whereas arrows ta th’skull are jus’ a temp’rary annoyance. LIke mosquitoes or somethin’. So: RUG.

…

An’ I’m out, all ya gansta rappin’ feebs!

Tune in next entry, where I swear I will answer more questions. Unless I misplaced that paper I wrote ‘em down on again. Damn!

…

Boooooooooooobbbbbb! Where’d you put my pink frilly paper with all the notes on it?

BONUS POST YOU LUCKY PEOPLE

Hey hey, guess what? I fergot I had a coupla links and things ta share with you all, so you get a bonus post today. LUCKY YOU.

First off, from th’ awesome Twitter fans, a few renditions of what I might be unlucky enough ta look like now that Disney’s bought Marvel, ‘cept that I’m WAY too bada$$ ta ever let this happen ta me: