BONUS POST YOU LUCKY PEOPLE

Hey hey, guess what? I fergot I had a coupla links and things ta share with you all, so you get a bonus post today. LUCKY YOU.

First off, from th’ awesome Twitter fans, a few renditions of what I might be unlucky enough ta look like now that Disney’s bought Marvel, ‘cept that I’m WAY too bada$$ ta ever let this happen ta me:

Merc Werc Part IV: Bein’ Yer Own Boss

What up, my charming chiquitas? Hey, remember back in the day, when I used to actually post ta this here journal? Well, get out yer nostalgia boots and tramp on over, ’cause I’m baaaaack! Hey, what c’n I say – starrin’ in 15 different books at once is HARD. Even those of us with a mega-healin’ factor need a little sleep now an’ then. But I think I finally managed ta figure out how ta juggle all that AND update this thing now an’ then: ya know how there’s like, a metric ton of me’s running around right now? The lady and the kid and the, what’s that, am I a cowboy too now? Oh, no, a soldier. Somethin’ like that, anyway. Well, I been delegatin’ some a’my work ta them so’s I can kick back and catch up on the most important thing out there – my FANS. An’ so finally, I’ve got a minute ta bring ya all Chapter 4 of Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way! Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m the best. An’ I promise I’m even diggin’ my way out of all the questions you feebs have been sendin’ me. Promise! And now, may I present the follow-up ta Chapter 3 (If I had a nickel for every team that’s kicked me out…)

(See also Helpful Linkage:

Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way? What the heck is that?

Merc Werc Part I: The Importance of Being…Prepared

Merc Werc Part II: What To Do When You’re Totally Screwed)

Holla Atcha All! Take 4

Bein’ Yer Own Boss

25. Step one in runnin’ a successful merc office: get a hot secretary who’s actually smart, too. Get two, if ya can afford ‘em!

26. If yer secretar(ies) say they need a metric ton’a Post-its, don’t argue! Ya don’t want ‘em burnin’ down th’ office. ^{FN 5}

FN 5: Or decidin’ that runnin’ off ta join th’ circus would be better than workin’ fer you. Trust me, it happens.

27. A tastefully decorated office is th’key ta impressin’ clients. I recommend giant portraits’a yerself. Also: fake plants.

28. Hire at least one employee who looks homeless and crazy, ta scare off th’ feebs who ain’t serious ‘bout hirin’ ya. ^{FN 6}

FN 6: Bonus points if yer new employee is *actually* crazy. ^{FN 7}

FN 7: Negative points if he eats all yer fake plants. Those things ain’t cheap!

29. Being yer own boss means never havin’ ta say yer sorry. Or explain why there’re giant holes in the lobby wall. Remember that.

30. If yer client is crazier than you are, charge ‘em double – it’s pretty much guaranteed you’ll need hazard pay fer th’ nutjobs.

31. Ingredient #1 of a tidy office? Scotch-Guard (ta minimize th’effect of th’ inevitable blood spillage that comes w/ merc werc)

32. Ingredient #2? Duct tape (fer everythin’ else). ^{FN 8}

FN 8: Especially those holes in th’ walls. Ya may not have ta explain ‘em, but all those drafts can get annoyin’.

33. When it comes ta payday, remember that you’re th’ boss – an’ give yerself a bonus!

34. If ya got an employee who’s kinda a schmuck but makes good croissants, keep ‘im around the office. Fresh baked goods are SWEET

35. Sure, bein’ boss means ya c’n work in yer PJs, but I say wear yer good togs anyway; killin’ zombies in a bathrobe is hard!

…

And there it is, my friendly fans! Another volume’a wisdom in a small package, comin’ at ya from Deadpool’s Clubhouse Under the Desk. Chow!

I’m a Twit, Yer a Twit, We’re all Twits an’ Nitwits!

Hey hey, my feisty little tomatoes! How’re ya hangin? (Haha, tomato jokes. I love ‘em!)

I’m just stoppin’ by th’ office ta pick up a new pair’a boots (you don’t even wanna know what nasty stuff I had ta tromp through ta retrieve th’ intel I needed ta “obtain” fer my last employer). But since I’m here, figured I oughta stop in an’ post a lil somethin’.

So ya know those journals where people just post a buncha random Twitter junk insteada entries an’ think it amounts ta fascinating storytellin’? You know what I mean. Like:

Look what I posted on Twitter today!

ha i fell aslepp again what is up with that

yesterday i ate a snadwich it was good

i don’t really like lettuce though wat do you think?

my cat fell off the bed i am so bored

isn’t twitter awesome i wish more people actually read this

i wonder if i should brush my teeth what do u think? nah.

Yeah, I hate ‘em too. But, ya know, every now-an-then ya just gotta immortalize great moments in Twitter hist’ry, an’ the first ever time I had a party that some’a you feebs crashed came to definitely counts.

Merc Werc Part II: What To Do When You’re Totally Screwed

Holy Heidi in leiderhosen! It’s been a year and a day since I’ve managed to make it to my trusty little laptop and share my ingenious thoughts of the moment with you, my loyal if misguided fans! But rest assured, I’m back in the saddle now. And rarin’ to go. Or somethin’a that kind, anyway. Where’ve I been, you ask? WELL I’LL TELL YOU. I’ve been in secret places, doing secret things that had NOTHING to do with me having to grow back my fingers after a little run-in with Wolverine, or anything. (Man, typing with no fingers = World’s Greatest Challenge, I tell you what.) Also nothing to do with Wolverine’s whiny son kickin’ the hot air outta me. Really.

So forget about all that, and concentrate on what’s important: the second chapter of Merc Werc, comin’ to you all right here, right now, from the Fortress of Cool (entranceway statue of Tasky optional; I keep telling him he needs t’stay away from the Grey Gargoyle, but does he listen?)

And now…

Holla Atcha All! Take 2

What To Do When You’re Totally Screwed

11. What to do if you get yourself in a tight situation: diet.

12. There is never any situation in which a knife is an unnecessary accessory.

13. When outnumbered, just charge at everyone in sight while yelling really loud. They’ll be scared of that. And of your swinging katanas.

14. There are times when a banana peel really is the best thing you can throw at your enemy. Those times are few, so choose wisely.

15. Don’t let enemy taunting make you lose your head: just because your name rhymes with “fool” doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

***

So there ya go, some sage advice from the Merc who knows his Werc. And never fear, I’ll be here with more advice soon enough. And, y’know, maybe the answers to those letters y’all wrote me a millenium ago. Although from what I hear from my doppelganger from the future (he checks in on me now and again), I may be pulling a fast one soon and accidentally locking myself in a freezer for 200 years just so I can see an old…friend. Yeah, friend. So I guess I’ll have to get those answers out fast!

Until next time…don’t panic!

Merc Werc Part I: The Importance of Being…Prepared

By request of tyrannicalalien, I’ma post my Twitter posts here now and again. But I ain’t gonna call ‘em “tweets,” comprende? Geez, that’s so gay, if I said that I think it’d be gayer than kissin’ Cable. And we all know I don’t do that. So no “tweets” up in here. We’ll call ‘em…”hollas”! Yeah. After all, now that Way’s on the job that word has definitely entered my vocab, so it must be a-ok.

…

Holla Atcha All! Take 1

Stellar fan suggests I write a guide for newbie mercs. Like the Evil Overlord List, except…not. So. Maybe I will. Just for you feebs.

To be entitled: “Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way”

Subtitle: A Guide to Slashing, Gashing, and Mashing Your Way to the Top of the Mercenary Pool

Disclaimer: But even with this guide, you’ll never, ever get on top of Deadpool*

*Because he’s DeadCOOL.**

**But say it with a P, ’cause that’s how you write the checks***

***’Course if you’re following my instructions, you shouldn’t be paying for this anyway****

****But you’d better, or I’ll gut ya. Capeesh?

(This tome o’wisdom is dedicated to the city/palace/monastery/lab guards in all their throwaway glory. Thanks for all the bloody good times!)

1. When it comes to buying grenades, ALWAYS insist on the baker’s dozen!

2. Rope is good, duct tape is better, so bring them both, and also some fetters!

3. It never hurts to consider what you will do after the bad guy has cut off your hands. Suggestion: detonators in your boot-heels.

4. Never underestimate the amazing versatility of lubricant. ^{*FN 1}

FN 1: Merc Beauty Tip #1 – Vaseline not only helps ya get outta tight situations, it also keeps lips soft!

5. The merc’s lucky number is 7. At least when it comes to the minimum number of sharp, pointy weapons you should carry at all times.

6. I think the lucky number for bullets is about 1,000,003, but I got distracted before I finished countin’. So just take a bunch, k?

7. Fightin’ a ton’a low-level mooks? Teleport in and outta tha melee, slice’n'dice, an’ then watch ‘em get all confused an’ stab each other!

8. Don’t forget ta chat with the folks you’re fightin’. Maybe tell ‘em about that time yer pet worm died. That one always distracts ‘em.

9. Nah, I won’t tell ya why. Remember: NEVER reveal ALL of your secrets!

10. Flour, flame, and a good long fuse: surprisingly effective! Use your surroundings – make McGyver proud!

…

Don’t fear! Deadpool’s here! More advice’ll be holla’d atcha soon!