By request of tyrannicalalien, I’ma post my Twitter posts here now and again. But I ain’t gonna call ‘em “tweets,” comprende? Geez, that’s so gay, if I said that I think it’d be gayer than kissin’ Cable. And we all know I don’t do that. So no “tweets” up in here. We’ll call ‘em…”hollas”! Yeah. After all, now that Way’s on the job that word has definitely entered my vocab, so it must be a-ok.
Holla Atcha All! Take 1
Stellar fan suggests I write a guide for newbie mercs. Like the Evil Overlord List, except…not. So. Maybe I will. Just for you feebs.
To be entitled: “Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way”
Subtitle: A Guide to Slashing, Gashing, and Mashing Your Way to the Top of the Mercenary Pool
Disclaimer: But even with this guide, you’ll never, ever get on top of Deadpool*
*Because he’s DeadCOOL.**
**But say it with a P, ’cause that’s how you write the checks***
***’Course if you’re following my instructions, you shouldn’t be paying for this anyway****
****But you’d better, or I’ll gut ya. Capeesh?
(This tome o’wisdom is dedicated to the city/palace/monastery/lab guards in all their throwaway glory. Thanks for all the bloody good times!)
1. When it comes to buying grenades, ALWAYS insist on the baker’s dozen!
2. Rope is good, duct tape is better, so bring them both, and also some fetters!
3. It never hurts to consider what you will do after the bad guy has cut off your hands. Suggestion: detonators in your boot-heels.
4. Never underestimate the amazing versatility of lubricant. *FN 1
FN 1: Merc Beauty Tip #1 – Vaseline not only helps ya get outta tight situations, it also keeps lips soft!
5. The merc’s lucky number is 7. At least when it comes to the minimum number of sharp, pointy weapons you should carry at all times.
6. I think the lucky number for bullets is about 1,000,003, but I got distracted before I finished countin’. So just take a bunch, k?
7. Fightin’ a ton’a low-level mooks? Teleport in and outta tha melee, slice’n'dice, an’ then watch ‘em get all confused an’ stab each other!
8. Don’t forget ta chat with the folks you’re fightin’. Maybe tell ‘em about that time yer pet worm died. That one always distracts ‘em.
9. Nah, I won’t tell ya why. Remember: NEVER reveal ALL of your secrets!
10. Flour, flame, and a good long fuse: surprisingly effective! Use your surroundings – make McGyver proud!
Don’t fear! Deadpool’s here! More advice’ll be holla’d atcha soon!