Hey! I, Bob, actually get to answer questions now! Wow!

H-Hey everybody! Bob, Agent of HY–, er, I mean, President of Mr. Wilson’s Fan Club, here! Hail Mr. Wilson! Mr. Wilson (who also goes by Deadpool, of course) has finally let me out of the kitchen long enough to answer all the amazingly wonderful questions you nice, kind, fantastic people have sent in to show how much you like me and want to hear from me. Aiieeeeek!!!

…

Oops. Sorry! I thought I saw a mouse, and I had to deploy HYDRA Strategic Maneuver #301, Squeaking Like A Rodent And Jumping On The Couch, which, you know, when I think about it, wouldn’t squeaking like a rodent when you see a rodent maybe be like you were doing a mating call or something? Which would attract the rodent? Huh. Well maybe not. I mean, I guess…I guess HYDRA knows best. After Mr. Wilson, of course.

Mr. Wilson’s so great. He’s been trying to teach me some new tricks, like Holding A Katana, and Pointing A Gun, and Not Running From Fists, and Throwing A Grenade After Remembering To Pull Out The Pin, but I don’t think I’m getting along as fast as he’d like. (Alison always did say I was a bit slow. I thought she was talking about my chewing, though. You know, it’s important to chew a bite 42 times before you swallow. Especially if you don’t have a good medical plan that covers choking and things.) Mr. Wilson shouts a lot after a few minutes of lessons, and last week he put his fist through the Agency wall again after I hid behind his desk for the 52nd time. But he’s so nice that he is still trying to help me learn. I mean, he says it’s because at the level I am at now I’m “more dangerous ta others than a pigeon who’s just eaten a big meal’a C4 an’ perched on yer shoulder,” but he’s always saying things like that. I don’t know why the only HYDRA training classes I ever excelled in besides hiding were the ones like Killer Baking 101, Poisonous Puddings 265, Sharp Salads 322, and Arsenic Hors d’oeuvres 436, but Mr. Wilson lets me practice my cooking and baking a lot, because he also says we should “play ta our strengths an’ surprise the enemy.” Last week he surprised an enemy with some of my Myoporum Muffins (Delicious and Deadly!). He said they worked like a witch’s charm. I was very proud.

So I guess I should answer questions now, huh? Oh, except I have to tell you something else I’m so proud of: Mr. Wilson told me I could be President of his Fan Club!!! I mean, I had to cling to his ankle and beg for awhile while he dragged me around the office like a leg weight, but then he said ok! So now I am President Bob! Alison would be so proud, if she still answered my calls.

As President, I feel I have certain duties to Mr. Wilson, so I’ve been looking around to see what people are saying about him. And it turns out, Mr. Wilson has LOTS of fans. (Who should all become members of the Official Fan Club of which I am the President, of course. There is A Button that you can buy once you are An Official Member. There is also A Secret Handshake, once I figure out the rest of it. If you want to join, I think it’s ok with Mr. Wilson if you comment here with your email address. I am not sure what I will do with your email address, except maybe send you a link to A Button You Can Buy And Wear To Show You Are Official. But I am sure I will figure out other things to do with it. I won’t sell it to anybody, though. I promise!)

Anyway, as Fan Club President, I think now would be a good time to mention some of the amazing fans out there who have been doing all kinds of neat things in honor of Mr. Wilson.

Links to Neat Mr. Wilson-Related Things

I think maybe Mr. Wilson already mentioned these first two before, but just in case, I will mention them again:

The Deadpool Bugle is the place where you can read ALL the news on where Mr. Wilson will be appearing and what people are saying about him. It also has a Twitter feed.

Deadpool and Friends is where you can watch YouTube videos that are mostly about Mr. Wilson. The person who runs it also has Twitter.

And here are some I don’t think Mr. Wilson mentioned yet:

I’m a Marvel…and I’m a DC. Here at the Agency, we love ItsJustSomeRandomGuy, but I don’t think we’ve mentioned him before. So now I will! You should all watch every single one of his videos because they are all amazing. AND now Mr. Wilson is in several of them, too. Here are the ones he is in so far:

Hi, I’m a Marvel…and I’m a DC: Wolverine (Deadpool) and Watchmen

Hi, I’m a Marvel…and I’m a DC: Wolverine Heroes and Watchmen Heroes

Marvel and DC Keep on Trekkin’ (Marvel/DC/Star Trek Parody)

Marvel/DC/Terminator Salvation Parody

Marvel/DC: The Hangover, Up, and Drag Me To Hell Parodies

Marvel and DC Talk Transformers (Marvel/DC/Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen Parody)

Yay, RandomGuy and RandomGal! (And RandomCat!)

What Would Deadpool Do? is by a couple of Mr. Wilson’s fans who have made what I think is called a “mash-up” of Star Wars and Deadpool comics (not to be confused with my Monkshood Mashed Potatoes). As they say on TV Tropes, when you put two wacky things like that together, Hilarity Ensues.

ScarletVulture’s Comics show some of Mr. Wilson’s “unofficial” adventures. They are very, very good. I wish I could draw like that. But I can’t. Oh well. At least I can bake!

The Merc With A Mouth Files page contains some of Mr. Wilson’s information on some of the many, many people Mr. Wilson has interacted with in the course of his important work. Of course, it might not have all of the classified info. But that’s because if Mr. Wilson told us that, he’d have to kill us. At least, that’s what he’s always telling me.

Kyle Robinson Customs is a place where you can get little dollies action figures of Mr. Wilson and other people he knows. The guy who runs this site is a big fan of Mr. Wilson, so he has many different versions of Mr. Wilson’s costume and things for people to choose from. I only have 6 so far, but I’m hoping to collect a few more!

The Deadpool Forum is a pretty cool new place for people to go and talk about Mr. Wilson and comics and other things. Mr. Wilson’s Number One Fan (but not President of the Fan Club, that’s me!), foresthouse, joins in the conversations over there sometimes.

And I think that’s all the links I have for now. If you know of other good fan places, you should let me know so I can put them in the Official Fan Club Files.

And now I really will answer your questions. Mr. Wilson says that since seven isn’t much more than five I can answer all seven of the questions people asked me! Let’s see, how does Mr. Wilson usually do this? Oh. Oh right.

youtubedeadpool writes:

Wow! Hey thanks for the shout out! It is greatly appreciated. I shall repay you with a question for Bob and some authentic New Mexican food if you ever come this way.

Question for Bob:
If you could kick any three people square in the nuts and get away with it, who would it be?

Gee, I’m not sure we’ve gotten to the Kicking People In The Nuts part of our training yet, although I know Mr. Wilson is an expert at that. I guess I will just have to use my imagination and pretend I am skilled in that so that I can imagine who I might want to use that skill on. Huh. And also I will have to imagine that my therapist did not tell me not to release my anger at myself and Alison towards other people, and to be tranquil like a babbling brook and all of that.

…

OK. OK, I think I’ve got it. The first would be L. Ron Hubbard. I mean, I know he’s not alive, but if I had a time machine as well as a way to get away with kicking people, I would definitely kick Hubbard for making a cult out of a bunch of science fiction stories. I mean, not only does that give nice science fiction writers a bad name, but Alison’s uncle Stewy sent all his money to those stupid Scientologists and he was still a crazy drunk who ended up falling off a trolley car and dying. I blame Hubbard. And also, what kind of a name is L. Ron?

I guess I’d also use my time machine to kick Michael Jackson’s dad. A lot. He sounds like one mean evil man.

And I guess if I was ABSOLUTELY assured of no consequences…I’d kick APOCALYPSE in the nuts. Just because I could!

And now I have to do my breathing exercises for a minute. My therapist wouldn’t like me getting all excited like this.

…

OK.

designatedhero wrote:

What was there not to like about Wild Wild West? Overly-elaborate death traps, campy villains, super awesome trains, Ulysses S. Grant?!

Anyway, onto Bob:

Let’s face it Bob, you throw like a girl. You ever considered getting lessons? Maybe going to a baseball game and taking some notes?

I liked Wild Wild West, personally. But don’t tell Mr. Wilson I said that!

Gee, Mr. Hero, I’m really flattered that you think I am such a good sportsperson. Alison was an All-Star League pitcher back in our hometown, and I never thought I was as good as her in the throwing department, even though she really, really tried to teach me. I guess I do throw a lot like Alison did, but then, she used to strike out a lot of people every game, so I thought that was a good thing. Huh. I guess I could go to a baseball game sometime and see how other people do it. But I bet most of them aren’t as good as my Alison is. Was. Is still. Even if she’s not really my Alison anymore. You know what I mean.

isntthatfancy asks:

Dear Bob Agent of Hydra,

The other day I had a math test that I’d consciously chosen not to study for. I didn’t want my teacher to think I was stupid though, so when I came upon a problem that I just couldn’t figure out, I filled in the answer blank with something I did know about: The history of Russia. A whole essay on it.

For some reason I didn’t get any points, not even for effort! Oh Bob, with all your great knowledge, could you possibly tell me something that would have been a better topic? What would you deem worthy of points despite being not-math?

Dear Fancy Person,

I would think an essay on the art of stealth combat cookery would have impressed your teacher very much, to the point where he or she would have given you an A+. I mean, stealth combat cookery is a very exact kind of cookery – it really has to be done right, and you have to be very meticulous about measuring your seasonings and making little spaces for explosives to be hidden and getting the doses for the poisons right and all of that. And certainly after you wrote the section on How To Make Apples Grizwald, I am sure your teacher would be very, very impressed.

trashjack wants to know:

Dear Bob, Agent of HYDRA,

What the hell did Deadpool do to you? You know, when you two first met, and he was tiny for some reason (probably involving Pym Particles or the Rhino; I never knew what happened immediately before that adventure). When he threatened you with your own HYDRA ID card, you said that because he was so minuscule, he could not harm you. You clearly ended up being very wrong about that, but I want to know HOW wrong. What on earth did he do to you with that card? And why did you look unhurt after that?

Dear Mr. Jack,

Mr. Wilson is very, very tricky and smart in a very unique way that I like to call “The Deadpool Way.” It is very practical, kind of like The Way of Mrs Cosmopilite, but in a completely different Way. As in not so logical, just practical. And one of the practical things I learned from Mr. Wilson when he had my ID card in hand is that even tiny people, if they know where to push with a sharp plastic corner, can cut your eyeball right in half. At least, that’s sort of something like what he told me in his tiny voice right before I decided I didn’t want to find out if he was one of the people who knew where to push. My Way includes the maxim, “Don’t do anything stupid that could get you killed.” And that would include disobeying Mr. Wilson, who could clearly get me killed in many, many ways. People who follow my Way might not have the most fun, but they usually have the longest lives!

lady_of_mists wonders:

Dear BOB, AGENT OF HYDRA Hail HYDRA!:

How would *you* go about keeping people in a hospital from waking you up every forty-five minutes during the night shift? Please remember that there are no locks on any of the doors (even the bathrooms!) and that this hypothetical hospital room is on the sixth floor.

All the best,

Lady_of_Mists

Dear Lady,

This one is easy. I would ask Mr. Wilson to go and make sure no one woke me up unless it was important to my own personal health that they do so. And then I would offer him money so he would do what I asked him to. He is very conscientious about doing what someone asks when he is being given money for it. Sometimes. Which is why I would also offer him the money in several parts, with the last bit being given to him after my release from the hospital.

And people say I am not smart!

benicio127 says:

DP! And Bob, Agent of Hydra Hail HYDRA! Answering questions!
How fabulous.

Question for Bob, Agent of Hydra Hail HYDRA!
Let’s say you’re in a desert and a scary dude walks up to you. Your training is to hide, but where do you hide? Do you stick your head in the sand like an ostrich? Burrow underground like a marmot? Make like tumbleweed and roll away?
Do tell!

Well, Benicio (Benicio del Toro, is that you? OMG I’m such a fan!), I will tell you that even in the desert a clever hiding operative can find plenty of places to hide. For instance, in our HYDRA manual, all of the illustrations of deserts had a big cactus in them to show that it was a desert situation. Since I am not a beefy man, I am sure I could hide behind a cactus with only minimal pain and tiny pricks to the skin. Also, in HYDRA Hiding School, we were taught that with the right willpower, humans can make themselves really, really flat. Like a hamster! So in a desert situation, I might lie down and sprinkle some sand over myself and then make myself really, really flat, thus looking like merely a Bob-shaped hillock of sand! The scary dude would never even know I was there! And of course, there is the age old run-and-hide-behind-a-sand-dune method. Most deserts have little hills and things. Once you are behind one, you can burrow in pretty quickly, given a sharp implement and the right level of fear as a motivator.

Nope, the desert would not pose a-ny problem at all, when it came to me and hiding! I am sure of it.

And now, one last question:

writerbunny asks:

Bob, Agent of HYDRA HAIL HYDRA!:

If you could go anywhere in the world on a week’s holiday, where would you go?

Ooh! Ooh! That reminds me, Mr. Wilson promised me that next week I could finally go on that holiday he told me I could have two years ago. OOOH. And I know exactly where I am going, too. Geneva, Switzerland! I think it is probably the least likely place in the whole world where anyone would be shooting at me, trying to stab me, or even yelling at me. I can’t WAIT!

And, well, I think that’s all the questions you wonderful, lovely fans asked me. So I guess here is where I must leave you! But maybe Mr. Wilson will let me do this again sometime. It was fun, being out of the kitchen for awhile and answering your questions! I hope you had fun reading my answers, too!

Sincerely,

Bob, President of Mr. Wilson’s Fan Club Hail Mr. Wilson!

Confound their politics! Frustrate their knavish tricks!! And while you’re at it, gimme a pint!!!!!

Flaming fruity flamenco free-for-all, my vivacious visitors! It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I bet y’all been wonderin’ what happened, but don’t worry, we’re all still alive and well (for a given definition of “well,” that is. Tasky’s at least stopped tryin’ to chug the Windex). Of all the weird places I coulda been for the last month, I bet you’ll never guess where I actually was. So I’ll tell ya! England!

Yeah, really. Sandi’s got some major crush on this wacky writer dude who thinks the world is magical and flat, and she made me go all the way to England with her so she could hear him talk about wizzards or some crazy &($#. Also I think there were turtles involved. I dunno – I don’t read. Well, except for Playboy. And Maxim. And…hey, you know, I guess I read a lot, actually. They got some good articles in there.

Anyway, Sandi got to interview that feeb, so now she’s all happy and giggly and crap. Me, I’m happy ‘cause we managed to actually do a job in between all the dodging-crazy-mooks-in-wacko-costumes. Which is why we could afford to go to England in the first place. Too bad I can’t tell you what it was, but I can say it involved a certain footballer’s wife who loves Karl Lagerfeld. Oh, @*&@. Did I say that out loud? I don’t think I was really s’pposed to say that either.

It paid real well, though, I can tell ya that, so after Sandi was done fainting or hyperventilating or whatever, we went sightseeing in big ol’ Londontown for awhile. Don’t worry, though, it was very tame – I didn’t impale anyone on the hands of Big Ben or nothin’. Even when it took us, like, 100 years to find The Geek Store so I could buy me some Star Wars doll heads. “It’s near Piccadilly Circus,” my ASS.

We left Outlaw and her whiny boyfriend in charge of the Agency while we were out, though, and whoo-boy, can I tell you, that was a BIG mistake. Got back yesterday to find Whiny Boyfriend had “redecorated” while we were out. The whole place was freakin’ Greek columns and pictures of half-naked dudes in togas (I suspect Outlaw suggested that part, but then, I also suspect WB didn’t mind too much – no man who takes that much care of his hair ain’t a bit fruity). Stupid WB said it “reminded me of home.” That big whiny mama’s boy. Loki would be so ashamed. Anyway, just got the place back in some kinda order (and threw WB in the closet to think about his bad taste – but I guess we’ll let him out one’a these days if he asks real nice), so now I am so totally ready to…answer some questions! Yeah, I know you feebs are thrilled. So, sorting through the random London postcards and socks with British flags on ‘em that Sandi bought for no reason whatsoever…ah-ha! Here’s a letter!

lady_of_mists wrote:

Dear Deadpool,

1) Have you ever considered starring in a videogame with Kirby… like Super Smash Bros. for instance?

annnnnd…

2) If you had ten minutes to talk to any person on any subject and get truthful answers, who would it be and what subject? Person may be alive or dead.

Seriously, it’s a lot of fun to hang around here. Hope you are doing well. I’ve got to go do a few more edits to some correspondence that’s got to get out of my office, so I’ll see you around!

All the best, Lady_of_Mists

Ooh, numbered questions! OOH.

1) Well, Lady, you know I’m the best there is at whatever it is Wolverine does, but I gotta tell ya, Kirby scares the ever-wise-crackin’ daylights outta everyone I know, even me. You know why? WELL, I’LL TELL YA WHY: it’s cause he’s tricky. Yep, tricky like a Sunday whore turnin’ tricks on the corner’a Broad and Maple.

See, li’l pink dude looks like a helium-inflated marshmallow with big, round, innocent doe eyes (for serious – those things are like a cuteness overload – I mean, even Toby Maguire can’t match Kirby’s lethal levels of Cute) but just when you’re least expecting it, he turns into a big weight or some %#*# and falls on your head! BAM! Also he’s pink, and you can’t tell me that’s by accident. I mean, everyone knows it’s the ones that dress in pink and purple that’ll sit around lookin’ like they ain’t got nothin’ and then turn on you in a second and do somethin’ crazy, like whack you with a $*&@~# wooden mallet. And don’t even get me started on the whole ‘swallowing people’ thing. Once was more than enough for me, thanks.

So I gotta say, if I was ever in a game with the the li’l pink Stay-Puft, I’d wanna be on his side. A’course, he is dimmer than an energy-savin’ lightbulb outside on a sunny day; I mean, I’ve met the dude, and he couldn’t find his way outta a wet paper bag without big green neon signs blaring “THIS WAY OUT!” (and even then it’s iffy) but that don’t seem to affect his fighting none – he just bounces around like a chinchilla on Ritalin and hits everything in sight. So, yeah – I’d pick him first in dodgeball, I can tell ya that. The other team’d be wettin’ their Spider-man Underoos before you could even say ‘Play ball.’

2) Ten minutes, huh? I guess we’d have to talk real fast, but I got practice in the talking department. And truthful answers? Oh, this one’s easy. DICK CHENEY. And politics. I mean, could you imagine what that feeb would come out with if he had ta tell the truth about that crap for ten minutes? No bull#@%$, no wacky “well-maybe-I-did-maybe-the-sky-is-really-green-you-never-know-hey-look-over-there” evasive maneuvers, just tellin’ it like it is? Man, it’d be hilarious. And I know you’re wonderin’, “wait, why didn’t the Pool-man say ‘Bush,’ then?” But we all know that mook don’t got nothin’. We all know where it’s really at.

Now, if you’d just give me another coupla choices, we could get Barack Barack Barack Barack and that lame-o McCain to say what they’re really thinkin’, too. And maybe even the book-burnin’ governor of snowdrifts! Can you imagine that? The most honest election in history! …Yeah, I know, that’s a concept so alien that only my wacky brain could ever come up with it. And that’s why I’m the best guy ever.

Now, on to the next…oh, hang on. Sandi wants me to help her with something. BRB!

…

Well that was weird. Sandi signed up for some drawing class or something t’other day, and she just asked me to stand on one’a WB’s little Greek pedestals for about an hour with nothin’ on so she could “get her anatomy right.” I mean, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with her anatomy, if ya know what I mean; but I can’t figure why she wanted to see mine for so long. Only the really kinky girls ever want that. You know, the ones that get off on scars and &*^$. Also she didn’t seem to be usin’ the pencils that much. Hm.

Anyway, back to the letters!

amejisuto says:

Here’s a new question for ya.

Dear Deadpool,

Since you love numbered questions so much, here ya go …

1. Have you ever thought about writing up a guide for newbie mercenaries? Sort of like the Evil Overlord List.

2. Which is your favorite Evil Overlord rule?

Have fun screwing with Cap’s head!
Ame

Man, this one’s an oldie – sorry it took me so long to get back here that the good wishes on the Cap job ain’t even topical anymore. I promise to do better next time. Well, at least until I get distracted by–

–oh, sorry about that. Now what was I…oh yeah. Questions.

AND NUMBERED ONES, AT THAT. YAY!

1. Ya know, the thought has occurred to me, followed quickly by the more important thought: “Would I get paid for it?” ‘Cause if not, what is the point? But maybe, just maybe for you I’ll throw something together one’a these days.

2. #100, of course. You could use this one on most of the known world and never even have to deal with any feebs ‘fomenting rebellion’ ‘cause they’d all be too busy readin’ someone’s exciting Q&A blog! Although all the rules are pretty darn canny, actually. (Isn’t ‘canny’ a fun word? I could say over and over again forever (Serious. Try it sometime. It’s mega-fun.)). This guy really knows his stuff. Huh. Maybe I should go TAKE. HIM. OUT.

…Oh, whoops! Sandi just yelled out that she “didn’t get my nose quite right” so I gotta go take off the spandex again.

Until next time, keep ‘em piled and primed!