Remember When I Dressed Like Ant Man? Good Times.

OK, so you feebs are gonna die when ya hear this:

I’m in th’ supermarket (le supermarchet!) in France, ’cause I got this megamajor cravin’ fer some Snackes Au Francais (that’s French munchies ta you unedumacated feebs) an’ this dude comes up to me all, “Zut alors, mon ami! Etes-vous DEADPOOL?” an’ I’m all whippin’ out the heavy artillery ’cause ya know, guys comin’ up ta me ta ask who I am usually wanna kill me, an’ he kinda reminds me a’the guy who’s uncle I mighta maybe snuffed a few weeks ago — an’ then he goes, “Mais oui! Je t’adore! J’aime les questions auxquelles vous répondez sur le Twitter!” An’ then? He bought me all my snacks. SCORE.

So, random French dude who’s name was probably Pierre ’cause ev’ry French person is named Pierre: this one’s fer you!

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part V: The Havartian Decade (When all th’ questions were soft an’ cheesy, an’ all th’ answers were delicious. Woo! (This decade has not yet been officially recognized by the International Commission on Stratigraphy, which I totally did not make up.))

…

@lastgeek asks: Is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

@lastgeek Yeah, I wouldn’t fry a Smurf w/a magnifying glass (ScarletVulture, WHATUP http://tinyurl.com/ygt9gd8) I’d do that sh*t for FREE.

@bunnnn asks: what can I do to train and kick butt like you do cause im only a small bunny but your really cool!!!!!!!!!!!!

@bunnnn Oldest trick in th’ book, wee furry creature: file those l’il teeth a’yers until they’re SHARP and POINTY! An’ then hide in a cave

RT @bunnnn http://twitpic.com/owj2u – @ask_deadpool is tellin us a story about how he kicked captain america in the nads to get aliens out

RT @bunnnn http://twitpic.com/owuyy – now @ask_deadpool is tellin me how my brass knuckles look like crepes I didnt know how to spell it

@bunnnn Sweet, little vorpal bunny! I like these.

@gjrkow asks: that cuz he was not allowed to talk when he was u at the end??? they messed u up big time but maybe they do betta next time

@gjrkow Hellz yeah that’s why! Those fools din’t know what 2 do w/a good thing. WHERE’S MY LAWYER CALL HER IN HERE Oh hey She-hulk whatup?

@jenvargas asks: What do you think of @NASA?

@jenvargas I’ve been ta space. It’s kinda creepy out there sometimes. @NASA & the astronauts are killer-cool fer going up there alla time.

@jenvargas P.S. Have you heard my new band, @NASA and the Astronauts?

@jenvargas It’s me an’ Domino, a guitar, a bass, an’ a hamster on a wheel. #TRUFAX

@jenvargas P.S. Sometimes Rorschach does guest vocals, but we can’t get ‘im ta read th’ lyrics in full sentences. Crazy little man.

@jenvargas: @Ask_Deadpool That’s pretty cool, DP! I’ll bet you guys would kick Harry & the Potters’ butt in a Battle of the Bands!

@jenvargas Yeah, but I dunno ’bout Draco & the Malfoys. They might emo us ta death.

@I_Tenacious asks: Here’s one. Why the hell did Marvel set up another account for you if they/you aren’t doing jack with it?

@I_Tenacious WHO TO THE WHAT NOW? Where is this villain of whom you speaketh. Eth.

@I_Tenacious WE MUST ROUST THE IMPOSTOR FROM HIS THRONE OF NOTHINGNESS BEFORE HE BECOMES ENTRENCHED. Also I have a spare grenade.

@I_Tenacious Thanks dude. …OH COME ON NOW, THIS AIN’T FAIR. If he don’t post somethin’, how can I reply an’ tell ‘im ta GET LOST.

@I_Tenacious Hey man, what’s th’ point’a havin minions if ya can’t get’em ta do yer work for ya. EVERYBODY TELL @RealDeadpool I’M TH’ BEST

IF HE EVER ACTUALLY POSTS. TELL MARVEL THEY SHOULD JUST HIRE ME TA BE ME FER THEM. I MEAN COME *ON*

GO MINIONS GO! RT @bunnnn @RealDeadpool i like @Ask_Deadpool hes tha best!!!!

@RealDeadpool BEWARE MY MINIONS WITH THEIR SHARP. POINTY. TEETH. (snicker-snack; snicker-snack. @bunnnn will getchya!)

@Jebroney says: id REALLY love it if there was a chance of u teaming up with weasel again…i miss poolboy

@Jebroney Ya know, I think we need ta go storm th’ writers’ lair, ’cause I got a few suggestions as ta my supportin’ cast myself!

@ToughTom asks: Why is it all the other Deadpools on twitter are so sorry?

@ToughTom Cause all the other ones are pale copies of xeroxes of mimeographs of tracing-paper drawings of th’ REAL me. Which is ME. #TRUFAX

@RedHeartTart asks: Do you think you could take on Freddy Krueger?

@RedHeartTart Psshya, what’re ya, kiddin’ me? He can’t even leave town! You can beat him just by not being afraid! An’ I’m not afraid a’him

@gil_garcia asks: have you seen the Proposal yet?

@gil_garcia Yes. #ryanreynolds is SO DREAMY. Jus’ like me! That’s why he’ll be perfect ta play me soon.

@krazynate05 asks: What would @Ask_Deadpool do if a guy kissed your chick on the cheek even if the 2 are friends?

@krazynate05 HAHAHAHAHA show me th’ guy who’s nuts enough ta do that. MY BABE, DUDES. THAT MEANS BACK OFF. *grenade toss*

@bairdduvessa asks: does that meam you won’t get me Sandi’s number?

@bairdduvessa Hmm, not sure, dude. Do you have shifty eyes? A tendency ta beat women? If not, I might maybe could consider it.

@bairdduvessa: @ask_deadpool neither.

@bairdduvessa Weeeeellllll, I’ll see if she wants ta share.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: is ryan reynolds as good and cute in the proposal as in wolverine ??

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 CUTER. HE GETS NAKED which I totally didn’t watch because I am into women. Only women. Hot women. In conclusion: WOMEN.

@JLopezCostume asks: Deadpool/Transformers Michael Baysplosion Crossover, y/y?

@JLopezCostume Oh HELL no. Michael Bay? *makes warding sign* Who did The Dark Knight CAN I GET THAT PERSON?

@JLopezCostume: @Ask_Deadpool what if Michael Bay explodes too? Someone will pay to see that!

@JLopezCostume Only if Optimus Prime falls on ‘im outta the clear blue sky afterwards. ‘Cause that’d be kinda funny.

@I_Tenacious asks: Hey, did we ever get rid of that other jerk?

@I_Tenacious Nah, he;s still hangin’ around, not sayin’ a word. But I don’ care. We all know who the REAL “RealDeadpool” is: ME.

@I_Tenacious Actually, I figured out who that feeb is: he’s th’ version a’me from the FOX movie: aka Not Cool Deadpool.

@I_Tenacious That’s why he ain’t talkin’ – HIS MOUTH’S STILL SEWN SHUT. Hahahahaha.

@BuddhaBBuddhism asks: Ive read just about every deadpool comic (that i know of) But when does he get the other extra voices??

@BuddhaBBuddhism The voices are tellin’ me somethin’ about some dude named Daniel…Way…and salad tossing…Wolvie? Is that you??

@BuddhaBBuddhism Oh wait. Now th’ other voice is sayin’ somethin’ about tired gimmicks…HEY NOW. Nothin’ I do is tired. I RULE.

@fableboyblue asks: so you battling Dr. Doom (via @doomwar) for money or chicks or both? You should eat something before you take him on!

@fableboyblue Eh? That ain’t Doom. Doom wouldn’t talk ’bout Taylor Swift all the time. …Wait. Scratch that. Maybe he WOULD.

RT @fableboyblue has to be doom. NAY WAIT ITS LADY GAGA! I was fooled don’t let this happen you you kids!

@fableboyblue HEY NOW don’t you hate on @ladygaga; she’s my kinda crazy. She wore a cape made outta a polar bear AND SET IT ON FIRE.

@fableboyblue: @Ask_Deadpool most definitely not hating on @ladygaga. You have to respect multi-talent.

@fableboyblue Anyway, I think @ladygaga c’n actually SPELL. Plus: POLAR BEAR CAPE. ON FIRE. Yeah, that’s right, @Ask_Deadpool’s a fan.

@fableboyblue An’ women who wear masks alla time. Maybe @ladygaga is secretly a superhero/villainess. HEY IT COULD BE TRUE.

@fableboyblue: @Ask_Deadpool agreed. Akin to Dazzler, only…lots more flash.

@jadaily asks: I’m looking for a career change. What should I do?

@jadaily How ’bout citrus fruit dyer: http://tinyurl.com/yew7vhk Dunno if it’s hard work, but ya c’d prob’ly snack some while ya work!

@gjrkow asks: x-force annual was cool cuz u fought dead acolytes, so when u officialy join x-force?

@gjrkow Shhh, don’ tell! I’m already a super-secret member. So secret that not a single person knows I joined! Hah!

@HamjamIAm asks: If you had your way, what would you do about school buses?

@HamjamIAm I’d turn ‘em inta portable awesomeness on wheels: hot tub school buses, pizza parlor school buses, observatory school buses…

@HamjamIAm moonwalk school buses (they’d be totally safe! *bounce bounce bounce*), armory school buses (fer when ya need a new grenade)…

@HamjamIAm fashion show school buses (shutup I ain’t gay; it’d attract hot models!), personal rock show buses (hello, Matthew Good show!)

@HamjamIAm …OK, now I’m really thinkin’ I gotta get some old buses and go ta work on this idea. Thanks, man!

@ToughTom asks: Do you think Longshot could “get lucky” whenever he wanted?

@ToughTom I think he’d have a real good chance at makin’ babies if that’s what he wanted. Since his aim’s so good. Hur hur hur.

@ToughTom Know what I’d love ta see? Longshot vs. Domino in An Affair of the Heart. An’ in a fight, too, a’course.

…

Hey! I think…I think that means I’m almost caught up on th’ ol’ Twitterfeed. Which…ah, damn. Guess I’ll hafta start answerin’ questions again, eh? Just kiddin’, kids. I LOVE YA AN’ YER QUESTIONS.

P.S. I heard a rumor t’day that my friend who said he was gonna draw some little pictures fer me drew ‘em. Stay tuned!

And this is why she’s my #1 fan…

Complete randomness, brought to you by Marvel.com and the detectoring skillz of MadCrazyFan foresthouse:

Oh, it’s Deadpoolian! I love it! It’s wacky!

Y’know what? I think they should do one’a these EVERY day. An’ I ain’t just sayin’ that ’cause I get royalties ev’ry time they use my mask.

Bubblin’ Brie in the Brain-pan! Who *Are* All These Hooligans??

Hey hey, my freaky fans! It’s meeee!

…NO! It’s ME. The younger, cooler, better Deadpool!

What? Kid, shut it an’ sit down. Yer a tool. Anyway, as I was sayin’–

Wait, wait! They don’t want to hear about YOU. Let’s talk about *ME*. Check this out; I have HAIR. Pretty, blonde–ouch! Why you little–

Soldiers! Stop shoving over there! There’s only one keyboard and I need some elbow room! I can’t even…Ok, who ate the burrito for lunch?

Don’ look at me! I only do live and recently-deceased flesh. Non’a that beans an’ rice stuff fer me. But I think it was comin’ from that dir–OOF!

Hey, mister. If you don’t quit blamin’ me for yer messes, I’m gonna take my custom-modified Colt Peacemaker and shoot you right in your–

Will you two knock it off? I swear to Super-Skrull that I will turn this journal entry right around and not even post it if you don–

Dammit, why don’t you just shut up already, Major Dragpool; and by the way, who stole my Midol? Listening to you mooks bicker is giving me CRAMPS.

I didn’t even know that was possible. An’ seriously? You’re goin’ with PMS jokes ta emphasize which one of us is the female Deadpool? Really? LAME. Man, I think I liked it better when all I had ta worry about was which schizophrenic colored box was talkin’…

Well, I mean, look at my gratuitously chesty body. Do you really expect the writers aren’t going to play up the random female stereotypes all the time? Dollars to donuts they’ll have me freaking out because I lost my favorite lipstick in the middle of a fight by page three of my next appearance. You know it’s tr–

Hey, any’a you seen my puppy? If one’a you all shot him or somethin’, I’m gonna be REALLY–

Shut it, shorty. No one cares about yer puppy. We can’t even pronounce ‘is name. And anyway, where’d you come from? Ain’t you dead?

Well, you know how Marvel likes ta bring things back ta life. And what better time for me than now? I mean, no one’d even protest, ’cause they wouldn’t even notice yet ANOTHER version’a Deadpool reappearing with alla these new feeb versions croppin’ up left, right, an’ center!

Hey, squirt; watch who you’re insulting! I’m almost as old-school as you; but of course I’m way, way fresher in the hip-and-cool department. And everyone knows i–

*THUD*

Hah, that should keep him down for the count. DAMN, he was getting on my nerves. Listen, why don’t we take turns sharing our insights with the internet? I mean, all this shoving is getting us nowhere, and–

Hey kids, it’s your friendly neighborhood Spider-man, here to tell you it looks like another beautiful day in the neighborhood!

What the…? Who said that? What is this thing??

What? Since I can’t snuggle with my puppy, I needed a substitute. And Spidey-Plush is SOOOO. CUUUUTE. And he talks! I couldn’t resist. Look, if you squeeze him he says “Excelsior!”

Gimme that!

Excelsiooooooooorrrrrrrrr!

OMG! You threw Spidey-Plush out the window! YOU BASTARD!

Eh, don’t be upset. He was holding back your development. You need to learn to exist without the crutch of–OOF!

I don’t wanna hear it, Lady! HE KILLED SPIDEY-PLUSH.

Ah, he’ll bounce back. He’s made a’stuffing! Now c’n we get back ta the actual topic at hand here? Which is: WHY ARE THERE SIX OTHER VERSIONS’A ME IN MY OFFICE???

It’s bad enough when Agent X shoves his fat butt in here and makes me feel all claustrophobic an’ oddly like I wanna cuddle up on his sumo-esque tummy, but THIS is ridiculous! An’ now the me with the biggest chest is gettin’ her own comic? An’ I’m gonna be on the cover’a 24 other comics in one month? Sandi’s goin’ crazy tryin’ ta book alla my appointments, an’ I can’t even HIRE people ta fill in fer me anymore. Tasky just stormed out in a huff ’cause Sandi double-booked him fer a merc job as himself an’ a cover shot as Iron Man me last week. An’ I can’t even remember what day it is anymore ’cause I been so busy runnin’ all over town posin’ with the Fantastic Four an’ tormentin’ Daredevil. Don’ get me wrong, I like being busy, but THIS IS GETTIN’ EXHAUSTING. What th’ hell’s goin’ on here?

Didn’t you hear, soldier? You’re the hottest property around right now! It’s the culmination of a rise in popularity that’s been on slow burn since shortly before that ridiculous Wolverine movie came out. All the movie hype brought you to the attention of the mainstream and caused Marvel to give you more page-time; pre-Department K you was the best part of that haphazard movie; and now that BAMF Ryan Reynolds is going to play you again in Deadpool, you’re hot stuff!

Well, I mean, yeah, I know I got more fans now than I used ta, an’ there’s gonna be a movie an’ all, an’ I’m real excited about that, but I thought it was ’cause…I’m bloggin’ now…and…I have a Twitter…?

Don’t be silly! It’s because you landed a small role in a movie that starred WOLVERINE, so people who’d never heard of you are now your fans, and Marvel only knows one way to deal with a rising star: overexploit him until the public can’t take it anymore! Why do you think there’s that persistent subsection of fans who hate Wolverine so much? It’s because Marvel did the same thing to him, and some people eventually got sick of it!

So what yer sayin’ is…I’m gonna be th’ next Wolverine?!

Honey, you already are. You’re Marvel’s next big hero fixation! Guest appearances in pretty much every book? Encounters with a collection of random spin-off characters? A book about you and your zombie head? TWENTY FOUR variant covers in one month?** Me maybe getting my own book? I thought you’d already realized this: we have hit THE BIG TIME, baby!

Hang on, hang on. The whole point of Deadpool is that he’s not a mainstream hero or even anti-hero, an’ he’s not a villain either; he’s both. I mean, look up amoral in th’ dictionary an’ you’re gonna find that dude’s ugly mug starin’ right back atchya. Trust me on this, I’m his CLONE. An’ that’s why Deadpool c’n do things other Marvel cats can’t: because his every action doesn’t have ta be a show’a heroism fer the kids or affect the whole freakin’ universe. How else could he get away with stuff like punchin’ out Kitty Pryde or rochambeauin’ Captain America? Terrorizin’ mental patients in the loony bin? Encouragin’ crazy folks ta kill judges just so’s they can feel better? I could go on forever, here!

…So then how’s this-here newfangled fame going t’affect the Merc with a Mouth? I mean, besides occasionally giving him some right smart podners like me, The Deadpool Kid?

Ah, we all know what’s gonna happen; I mean, it’s already started. He’s gonna get a little less zany an’ fun, an’ a little more mainstream, ’cause editors actually pay attention ta what goes in th’ books that everybody’s buying, an’ he’s gonna show up everywhere they c’n wedge his little symbol in, and the market’ll be flooded, an’ then after awhile people are gonna get tired’a him.

Oh yeah, an’ foresthouse is gonna go either broke er crazy er both tryin’ ta collect alla his appearances. Or her comic book lady is gonna shoot ‘er inna heart fer callin’ up at all hours’a th’ day ta add YET ANOTHER Deadpool comic ta the purchase list. Ah, foresthouse: We’ll miss ya!

Hey now! I like foresthouse. AND having fans who aren’t sick of me. An’ I don’t wanna be all boring and mainstream. So…I can’t believe I’m about ta say this, but:

Marvel? STOP PUTTING ME ON, IN, AN’ AROUND EVERY SINGLE COMIC YOU’VE GOT. STOP MAKING THE FANS GO NUTS TRYIN’ TA GET THAT ONE COVER WHERE ONLY MY ELBOW APPEARS, OR PAY OVER $100 FOR A VARIANT COVER, OR LOCATE A MARBLE WITH ME IN IT THAT APPARENTLY DOESN’T EVEN EXIST. STOP WATERING DOWN MY CHARACTER BY GIVING ME 100 SPIN-OFF APPEARANCES, BECAUSE I’M *ALREADY* HALF-SCHIZOPHRENIC OVER HERE AND I REALLY DON’T NEED ANY MORE’A THAT. The reason I’m so awesome is that I’m ME, and now I’m hearin’ that what yer doin’ is gonna change all that. Nice as it is ta be able ta whip out th’ X-Men Club Card at th’ local Starbucks (what? I lifted if off the angsty one-eyed wussbucket while he was oglin’ Emma Frost), I DON’T want ta be th’ next Wolverine. I want ta be me. An’ that means not makin’ me work so hard that even me an’ my healin’ factor can’t keep up.

So you wanna know what you gotta do? Stop messin’ around with a variation of that insane T-Ray storyline where a million-billion versions’a me came outta that weird deus ex machina star thingie, and start huntin’ down ONE OR TWO awesome writers like Joe! Kelly! or Fabian Nicieza or Gail Simone ta write ONE OR MAYBE TWO awesome continuous books in which I am once again 100% pure ME. (And in which Pool-o-vision never existed, plsthx.) OK? Got it? GOOD. Then maybe by the time my movie comes around fans won’t be totally broke an’ exhausted an’ pissed off by trying ta track down every single comic book in th’ world in case my left toe is featured, or by readin’ storylines that totally change my character ’cause the writers just don’t get my faaaabulously unique personality.

Oh, an’ by the way? If I’m th’ hottest property around, how come *I* don’t have a talkin’ plushy yet? If yer gonna exploit me, at least do it by sellin’ some awesome merch. Ya hear me? GET ON THAT.

P.S. Wouldn’t say no to a Deadpool voodoo doll, neither. But only if you c’n do the matchin’ Cable doll, too. I’m a symmetrist. Gotta have the pair!

P.P.S. Now, alla you knock-off Deadpool mooks? GET TH’ HELL OUTTA MY OFFICE.

…

‘Cept you, Headpool. You c’n stay.

** Editor’s Note: This entire post may or may not have been inspired by Deadpool’s rage at the fact that there is NO WAY he (or foresthouse) will be able to acquire all twenty-four variant covers in February. GRRR.)

Crunchy Churro at a Carnival Cart, It’s Been a Busy Day!

Holy horny toads in a hot bayou, my fearsome followers! I am just about the slowest typist this side of Louisiana, ain’t I? Ah well, quit’cher complainin’, ’cause I just got paid fer a sneaky little recon job me an’ Outlaw pulled, so now I can take a few minutes to sit back, relax with some of Bob’s Icy Death Lemonade (Now! With Arctic Poison Ice!*), and answer some a’ your ingenious questions. Please, please – try to contain your excitement.

OK, then…lookin’ through the pile a’junk Sandi handed me on my way in…Ah! Here’s one that’s been festerin’ in the mail heap for awhile:

docwebster says:

Greetings, o purveyor of awesometudeness. I bring you numbered questions, and true brain strainers they are, too.

1) What’s up with the feebs at Marvel’s website making it so dang hard to subscribe to your new series?

2) What’s up with Outlaw chasing that closet case boyfriend-Fabio lookalike contest reject instead of basking in the glow of the mighty Deadpool?

3) Where the hell are my pants?

Oh, numbered questions, let me count the ways I adore you! But first, let me answer you!

1. First things first: anyone else here see the irony a’ the Doc askin’ me what’s up? Yeah, I thought so. Now then, Doc, there’s a very simple explanation here, and it goes somethin’ like this: see, whenever Marvel prints an issue of my comic, the editors look at it, all shiny and pretty and new, and decide that you feebs don’t deserve such a wondrous piece of artistry. They decide they want t’keep ‘em all! (You know the mooks who work in comics are the biggest geeky collectors of them all, after all.) So they go an’ sabotage the online subscription sign-up and order list, and then they lock all the issues up in The Special Vault. An’ then the accountants start crunchin’ numbers (as they do) and go on an’ on about pesky little things like “cost of supplies” and “overhead” and “profits” and what-all, and the editors cry and pout, an’ then the accountants haveta go down the hall and get Fred.

Fred’s a little slow, but he’s a big dude that don’t ask fer much pay, so they keep ‘im around for this stuff. So Fred goes and pries the new issues away from the editors, and beats up whichever one of them sabotaged the order list this week, an’ everything gets straightened out. But see, Doc, this whole song an’ dance happens every single issue, an’ it kinda slows things down. So that’s why it’s so hard to receive issues of my awesome comic on time. It’s because they’re SO AWESOME.

See? Wasn’t that a simple explanation?

2. You know, I’d say it’s gotta be the hair. I mean, we all know I’m one in a million and three, here, but Outlaw’s got this thing about pretty blonde hair, an’ I ain’t bin sportin’ that for a long while (X-Force #56, anyone?). So I prob’ly wouldn’t be much use on a trip t’the mall an’ the hair salon, plus last time we went I may have accidentally, y’know, inadvertently caused some murder an’ mayhem, and Outlaw hates it when things get between her and her sale items. Anyway, her la-di-da relationship with WB doesn’t really phase me. Whatever barbeques her ribs is cool with me, ’cause I got my eye on a different gal. But I do wish Thor wasn’t so goshdarned whiny.

3. In yer back pocket, a’course! I can’t believe ya didn’t check there already!

Now then, since I’m on a roll, here…

ghetto_ninjette writes:

Dear Deadpool,

I have a few questions for you!

1. Do you still have feelings for Siryn?

2. Are you even more embarrassed about being cursed with the face of Thom Cruz [after being cursed by Thanos for trying to hook up with Death] now that he’s gone crazy and is into Scientology?

3. On average, how much do you think you spend on Taco Bell?

4. Would you ever consider Jack In The Box tacos?

Thanks for taking the time to read my questions!

<3 –Ames

Ah, my precious little Ninjette, your numbered questions have stealthily stolen into my heart and nestled there, right alongside my eXtreme love of delayed-detonation hand grenades. And now, to answers!

1. Well, I know th’ mooks who run this LiveJournal carnival tend to frown on explicit written pornography, so in th’ interest of not rainin’ on their funnel cake stand, I’ll skip over how much seein’ Red spins my carousel, an’ just say that I’ll always have a little soft spot in my heart for th’ stunning songstress – prob’ly the spot right next to my love of sharp shiny things.

2. Man, I was embarrassed enough before anyone went around jumpin’ on couches and grinnin’ like a monkey on speed all the time. Lemme just say, no matter how much I may have looked like the dude, I never got so excited talking to people about my belief in aliens an’ explodin’ volcanoes or whatever that I looked like I was gonna spit a lung up at them. AND that I would rather be cursed with immortality than that face. Whew, what a narrow escape THAT was!

3. Ahh, who’s to say? Sandi got me an expense account there. She said it took some doin’ – apparently no one else in th’ known world had ever asked fer one. But then, I always knew I was special.

4. Are they free? Free for me? THEN HELL YES.

Anytime, baby. Now ninja on outta here and bring me a taco!

OK, one more before I go see if Agent Orca has left a single snack in the kitchen t’day.

spam_monster says:

…Well, I’m glad to hear that you still would want to team up with Nate after all that. Seriously, you guys are just awesome together. *fangirls*

But anyway, questions!

1. If you could get some kinda super tricked-out crimefi-I mean merc-work vehicle, what would it be? And what sort of features would it have?

2. What do you superhero/villian types normally wear under your costumes? Do any of them, you know, go commando? (Or just wear a little red thong like Tony Stark?)

3. Could you possibly find some way to jump into another comic book universe? If so, can you punch this guy in the face for me?-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adrian_Veidt
Because he really needs to be punched in the face.

I’ll pay you in cookies. Or brownies, or cupcakes. Some type of baked goods. Please?

Ooh, numbered questions from the Monster of Spam! Shouldn’t they all be asking me if I want to expand my mojo with the little blue pills an’ things? Huh. Guess not. Ok, here we go!

1. You know those giant hamster balls? The ones where you can go rollin’ down hills an’ over th’ water an’ stuff? Well, I’m not sayin’ that would be my transportation a’choice, but it’s definitely gotta be a feature. Collapse one a’those down and pack it in the side compartment for the easy jobs, ya know? Because, I mean, what else strikes fear inta th’heart of whatever mafia goons you’re about ta knock off like a Giant Hamster Ball A’ Doom barrelin’ straight for them? Gets ‘em every time, I tell ya, right about when I roll on over their heads. Other features, other features…OOH. Well, a smoothie machine, fer sure. Sometimes a brain freeze is just what my bubblin’ brain-pan needs. And a’course, some of us are easily distracted, so I guess I’d have ta heist one of Mr. Iron Man Stark’s little smart robots to rig up somewhere so it could hand me my smoothies and take the ladies’ phone numbers when I slow down at red lights and all that. An’ naturally I’d have some, y’know, homing missiles, spike-producin’ tires, crazy spy GPS tech, an’ pretty much everything else you’ve ever seen in a Bond movie.

But where would all this custom gear fit, you ask me? No contest! In a tricked out, souped up Ducati Superbike 1198 S, a’course. Don’t think I could fit it all in there? ‘Chya! A’course I could. Look at how much Tony fits in one little suit a’armor and tell me I couldn’t do even better with a Ducati! Not to mention their gear comes in my colors.

2. OK, now see, I don’t go around spyin’ on the other supercool peeps in their skivvies unless they happen t’be, y’know, women. So I can’t say one way or th’ other what Tony wears under that suit. An’ there are some things us superheroes (like me!) are totally sworn to secrecy on, like how Emma Frost manages to keep her top from falling down all the time (but oooh, wouldn’t you fanboys love to know how I found that one out). I will say, though, that those of us who wear spandex have a much easier time of it if we forget our briefs than kids like Tony. OUCH! An’ then you got crazy bastards like The Thing, who pretty much wanders around in his boxers all day without anyone sayin’ a word, even if he does look like magnified sandpaper. So pretty much what I’m sayin’ is it depends a whole lot on who we’re talkin’ about. Me, I get by with just about anything I can find that’s sorta clean at the moment, which usually means something with little Deadpool symbols on it, although I’m not above wearin’ the green panties if Bob hasn’t finished the laundry yet. I look pretty darned good in green. Yellow, too!

3. OK, I tell you what – if I ever get out of the crossover story I’m stuck in right now, I’ll take a little detour downtown to Veidt’s place and knock his lights out for ya. And you know? I’ll even do it for free. ‘Cause MAN, what a tool that dude is.

I won’t turn down baked goods if they’re offered, though.

P.S. Yes, to answer your other question, Nate *is* part pirate, thanks to his pirate captain granddaddy’s shenanigans (although I’m not sure his granddaddy was the sharpest splinter in the tinderbox. Who builds a plane out of wood these days?). In fact, one of his middle names I always forget t’list is “Yaarrrrrr.” I think it’s somewhere between “Christopher” and “Dayspring,” but who can remember? Anywho, I got him an eyepatch for his glowy-eye one Christmas, ’cause it was totally keeping me awake at night, but he refused to wear it unless I saluted him and called him “Yaarrrrrr.” He’s very respectful of his heritage. What a dork.

An’ that’s it for today, my friendly amigos. Bob’s cookin’ up some South a’the Border specialties fer dinner, and I don’t want to be late. You know how I love me some Mexican food.

So until next time, keep ‘em revved and ready! (And I’m referring here to my elite fleet of Ducati motorcycles. You know, the ones I assume you all are buying for me as we speak. You haven’t started signin’ the papers yet? WELL GET TO IT. I accept both red and black paint jobs. Thank you.)

* Sandi would like to remind us all that Artic Poison Ice, while not harmful to regenerative wonders like me, is actually a serious matter that we should be trying to stop, even if it does leave Bob with less fun ingredients to experiment with. So recycle and save energy and and help stop global warming and all that jazz! Sandi thanks you.

Great googly Galactus, I’m hungry! Get me some gazpacho!

What up, my mighty Marvel maenads? Well, ok, maybe you’re not maenads, but they sure sound like fun, don’t they? Like the kinda gal Wolverine would take for a romantic-but-bloody romp in the woods? Hey, I wonder if we could mail-order some of ‘em to hang around the office all scantily-clad and stuff. Give it that subtle touch of Early Greek Brothel and Nad– Madhouse. I bet ol’ WB would LOVE that! Maybe when it’s my turn to decorate…

Oh! Yeah, nearly forgot why I’m on the ol’ blog today. It’s because of this here Official Announcement I’ve just been handed. Seems the editors have been gettin’ a lot of confused letters from feebs who want to know why this journal ain’t “in continuity” or some $#!*. These mooks keep insisting that I’m not workin’ at the Agency right now (oh YEAH? Then who was it stole Cap’s TEENY WINGS, you answer me that?!) and that I’m actually killin’ Skrulls or some wacky thing. Which, actually…I am. Well, you know how it goes with comics these days – those wacko writers don’t never know the half of what’s REALLY going on – and the truth of it is, I been livin’ a little bit’a the double life since the Skrulls came to town. Half the time at the Agency, half the time freelancin’ for the Skrulls with a secret agenda of my own. (I do have a teleporter, y’know.) But I couldn’t talk about it before ‘cause, see, it was a secret agenda. That’s just how those things work!

But now that the cat’s outta the bag AND we’re gettin’ so many whiny complaints, the editors told me I’d better announce that from now on, along with the 12 million questions I already got backlogged and cloggin’ up the spittoons around here (yeah, I don’t know either. This week was Outlaw’s turn to decorate, and she says “it don’t feel like home without spittoons.” But whatever, they’re handy to store letters in) I’ll also be answerin’ questions about Skrulls, Secret Plans, and P– Poo– ah, geez– “Pool-o-vision,” shutupshutupshutUP. So, y’know, send me your questions on Those Pesky Green Dudes; How I Made Them All Commit Hari-Kari; What’s Up With That Guy Way; and stuff a’ that sort, and I’ll do my best to answer ‘em. Eventually.

And now, I’m gonna go find me some lunch. Until next time, keep ‘em locked an’ loaded!

P.S. Coming soon: Actual answers to questions that are probably over two months old by now! Hey, I’VE BEEN BUSY. Feebs.