Hey, my little taquitos! What’s happenin’?
It’s Day 47 here at Agency X, and honestly, merc jobs are kinda thin on the ground. What with word getting around that Agent X is fatter than Janet Jackson after her seventeenth cookie run of the day, not that many people are calling in. But I’m sure when more of them hear that I’m back on the job, they’ll be dialing that number faster than you can say chimichanga. Just got to wait a bit…
…but while we’re waiting, I guess I’ll answer some mail I’ve gotten lately from my millions of dedicated fans. Just let me find a letter…um…pile of Taco Bell receipts…ooh, here’s my dry-cleaning pick-up ticket (that costume is a pain to wash)…Hmmm…oh, here’s one:
Why are you werking at agency x? I thought Hayden hated you. Whats’ up with that?
George Walken Bush
(You know where I live. And i know where you live, too.)
P.S. It’s rude to carve your name on other peopls’ bathroom walls.
P.P.S. I can speel my own name. I have to write that because I know someone like Jon Stewart will point and laugh at me if I do’nt make it clear. But I do really know how to speel it. I’m really, really smart. Really. I’ve just always wished I was related to Christopher Walken. Don’t you?
I do! Doesn’t everyone? But to answer your question, Georgie (may I call you Georgie?) it’s true that Agent X hates me from the tip of my nosie to the hang of my cajonies. On the other hand, he’s gotta pay the rent somehow, and everybody knows I’m the best there is at everything, so he offered me the job as frontman and main merc at the Agency until we figure out how to get his raging appetite under control. And I thought I ate a lot. Man. Fortunately for me, all that fat gets in the way of his killin’ skills, so even when he does get that hatin’ feeling, he can’t really do too much about it. Which is why I pinch Sandi’s ass sometimes when I know he’s looking. I love watching Orca X struggle to jump off the couch.
Ah, another likely letter:
I heard on the news this morning that a group that was backing Hillary Clinton in the Presidential race is now backing Barack Obama. The guy on the radio said that was “quite a switch in a few short months.” What do you think of that, and what do you think of Obama?
Gibson City, IL
Sally, the first thing I have to say about Barack Obama is: FINALLY! A potential President who has a fun-to-say name! Barack Barack Barack Barack! Bombombombabom-o-baaaaaam-AAAA! I could totally rap it. So yeah, he’s got my vote. Twice if he tells me his middle name and it’s fun, too. (Like Hillary’s. Rodman is such a great middle name. She’s related to Dennis, you know. They’ve got the same chin and everything.)
As for this whole “Clinton supporters backing Obama now, what a surprise!” thing, well DUH! I mean, Hillary left the race almost a month ago. Is it really a big shock that the Democrats are going to back the only other popular chance? They want to WIN, right? No more of this “Republicans! War! Fundamentalism! Sitting-in-the-pockets-of-oil-company-CEOs!” for them. You know they’re getting pretty desperate to oust those conservative feebs. Hell, I think they’d back Oscar the Grouch if he made a run for it.
So, yeah. Don’t color me surprised about that or anything.
Now, let’s see…hmmm. Ah!
How do you feel about this?
Newport News, VA
Hmm, let’s see here, clickety-click—oh! Um.
Well, Johnny, I’ve always liked horses. For one, if you had a real crazy-a$$ horse here in NYC, you know, like a warhorse or something, maybe with metal-plated hooves, you could totally ride it out on the streets and use it to kick the $*@# out of the taillights of cars in front of you when you were stuck in traffic. I’d aim for the taxis, personally. I told Cable that idea last year and he didn’t think it was so hot, but hey, what does that geek know? The NYPD rides horses, so why shouldn’t I?
Anyway, you know I’m all about the branding (the Deadpool boxers were my best idea ever), so if I DID have a warhorse, I’d definitely give it a paint job like that – insignia on the butt and all! On the other hand, um…that pony looks a little gay. And you KNOW if I’m riding a horse, it’d have to be one bada$$ mother*#&!##@! So, yeah – like the design, don’t like the pansy pony.
Oh, and what’s it say in the…wait…wait… “Deadpool as a My Little Pony”?! That prissy thing is supposed to be me? WHAT? OK, now I call shenanigans. Where does this Pony chick live?? Google maps, Mapquest, where’s my gun?…AH!
Hey, I gotta go, y’all. Until next time, keep ‘em sharp and pointy!